Now The Story Begins

Chapter 2: Now the story begins

I look up from my book at the local library and I see the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. She dazzled me! I look back to my book and take a sip of my lukewarm black coffee. I uncross my legs, I’m slowly getting the courage to talk to this gorgeous woman. She’s sitting in the nook area in a loose black dress with a slimming belt, her high heels next to her on the floor. Each and every nail is painted a deep blood red, sending shivers down my spine. I glance back up and I catch her eyes and all I can think is, “Good Lord!” They are the most unique color I’ve ever seen! They were unmistakably yellow with a puce purple around the pupil. She gave me a smile that made me blush, then she put her book down and patted the spot next to her on the nooks window sill.

I put my middle finger in my book to hold my place and slowly walk over, trying to be as calm as possible. She turned herself to me as I sat down, my dress pants were freshly ironed and had creases in them. My grey dress shirt had the smell of my cologne at the neck. I had a blonde five o’clock shadow and groomed head of hair to match. My hair was close cut on the sides and the top was roughly two inches. My blue eyes looked into those dazzling amber yellow eyes, as she put her hand on my knee.

“Sorry.” I said quietly pushing her hand off. “My name is Patrick, et toi?”  I asked for her name, I was from Paris and spoke French at times just to keep it in my system.

“Scarlet.” She replied leaning her head to one side, letting her hair fall with it, framing her face.

“Well Scarlet, why did you call me over here?” I asked leaning in a bit. I don’t know if she’s interested in me or not, she seems like it, but it’s always bad to assume.

“You seemed to fancy me, and I think I fancy a young man like yourself.”

“You think you fancy or you fancy me?” I teased looking for an answer.

“I fancy.” She smiled and leaned in a little bit closer to my face, almost closing her eyes, like someone would do if they were about to kiss you, then she sprung up from the window sill and grabbed her heels, holding them with her index and middle finger in a claw shape. “Would you like to join me for dinner at my place?” she asked sliding on her heels.

“But we know nothing more than each other’s names, are you sure you want a stranger at your house?” I asked trying to be a gentleman and make sure she knew what she wanted.

“How else will I find out more about you?” She said standing proudly before me. Even with high heels she was petite. I stood up, basically towering above her and smiled.

“Oh I don’t know, maybe coffee or dinner, Oh those have a name,” I pretended to look puzzled, “Oh yes! Like a date! That's how people get to know each other!” I exasperated jokingly.

“Ok, We’ll just have a date at my place.” She smiled reassuringly at me.

“Lead the way, Scarlet.” I smirked, I picked up my book and left my coffee, and followed this beautiful stranger to her house, for a lovely evening.

Thoughts such as “Does this make me a bad guy?” or “Isn't it bad to be this trusting; for me and her?” But I kept walking with her. She didn't live far from the library, a nice pleasant walk. Comforting air with smells of bread from the bakery whisk past me because the smell of Scarlet’s perfume was just so tasteful.

I hear the click clack of Scarlet’s heels on the pavement, they are muffled by the streets full of cars and talking people, but somehow they are the only thing I hear. Even though she is small, she has a strong walk, one that made me think of being in school and hearing the Dean walking swiftly down the hallway to handle some onry student.

We walk up to one of the richest apartment complexes in Montreal. She enters in her specific code to gate. It makes a soft buzz and the hard clank of the gate unlocking. She turns to me. “I don’t know what you’ve been thinking this whole walk, but I sure hope you have something to talk about over wine.” She gave me a smile as she opened door 49. (and yes, that is important.)

Author's Note

Notes would be helpful! thanks for reading.

Reviews

[Chris]

There is some pretty good detail here, and maybe it could be pushed just a little further in a couple of cases, like:

"She dazzled me!"

How is he reacting to her bedazzling beauty? Is he drooling? Or is he suave enough to only react with a raise of his eyebrows? Is he getting butterflies? Give us these details instead. They add to the picture you want to paint and they can give us clues about who Patrick is as a person.

"She said standing proudly before me."

"Proudly" how? Is her back straight? Does she hold her chin high? Let us see it.
(And on a grammar note, when you have an -ing word following a dialogue tag like that, there should be a comma.)

You give us some good details on what Patrick looks like. There might be a better place for the description. One challenge about first-person is that the protagonist needs to be described, but it should be done in such a way that it makes sense for why the narrator would be describing him/herself. That's why you might see a lot of first-person protags describing themselves in front of a mirror.

In your story's case, how about describing his looks when he's working up the courage to talk to Scarlet? A lot of people do a little (subtle) grooming before they speak to that someone they want to impress: make sure their clothes look alright, check their breath or their BO, run their hands over their hair to make sure it's in place. In other words, everything you mentioned when you described Nick. It's all there, you have it down pat, it just needs to be moved up a little.

The dialogue is handled well. It all sounds natural; the dialogue tags are kept to the basic said/replied/asked, except where another word is a good fit, like "I teased"; and you do a good job of keeping action interspersed throughout. Be careful about the grammar:

“Scarlet.” She replied[...]

Whenever you have a dialogue tag, the pronoun should always be lowercase, and the period should always be a comma instead.

Keep up the good work, and happy writing!

[Dreaming Summer]

I love comments like this they mean so much to me. I cant thank you enough for wonderful constructive criticism. I feel like I am learning what its like to read my stories. It's hard sometimes for me to edit or put detail like that because I have already visualized it a certain way and I see it but i forget that other don't because I haven't put it in yet. Oh well, thank you again this means so much really.