You Deserve The World

His words of encouragement to me

Today is one day after my birthday. The first birthday without hearing your wishes so I decided to take these out to read them. For every day without you, I am hurting...

"You deserve the world.  You deserve everything in your life.  You deserve more than you have, more than you'll ever have and being in love with me and doing crazy and stupid things doesn't change that.

You are everything to everyone and there's all the reason you need to know that you are a gushing source of joy and love and devotion for everyone around you.  Not because of what you do, but because you are a beautiful person with the heart you have beating the way it does for everyone around you.  You saying anything about how you are is automatically proven wrong because the people around you would do anything for you.  I would do anything for you and will do it for the rest of my life.

Because of who you are.  Because of the person, the loving, caring, thoughtful person who goes out of their way to help others succeed, to cheer them on and motivate them, to be there when they have problems in their life, to comfort them and push them when they stumble.  You are more than you know, you are bigger in my life than you know.  And you will remain there because you are this person forever.  You will never not be her to me.  You will never not be here to anyone.

You do things because you have your own emotions and your own mind and your own reasons.  And I love that about you endlessly.  I love how you can fight for it, or leave it as it is, or come up with new reasons to love the things in your life and care about all the facets of your day.  You have everything in you, T.  Every aspect of you is an example for others, and I know that's why you attract so many people.  It's why people love to be around you and with you.  It's why they listen and want your advice, your friendship.  It's why when they fall in love with you, they'd do anything to make you want to remember the good times you shared above anything else.  It's why I can't help myself when you're here.

Because I love all there is to you.  I love everything about you.  I love how you talk, I love the way you act, I love how you think and how you reason and how you laugh... I love your humor, I love your anger, I love your weirdness and your strength and your doubts.  I love the way you look, I love the way you dress, I love your determination, I love your energy and your silliness and your optimism.  I love your questions.  I love your answers.  

I love to see you win and to see you succeed.  I love to feel everything you feel because when you feel it, I understand why and how and what makes you do everything you do.  I love knowing someone the way I know you, feeling right about them the way I feel right about you.  Being with them and sharing with them and thinking about them because they made me fall by just being themselves.  I am ready to spend forever trying to find out why.

Every day for the last year and 3 months, I've felt that jolt.  I've felt it stronger, and more forceful, and more electric with each day.  Every single morning I want to wake up and find you.  I want to go get you, and if you were with me, I/d want to kiss your head and watch you sleep.  I want to hear you breathe, watch you sleep and see the pure and beautiful essence of the person who I want to give my entire heart to.  The girl I want to share that jolt with as often as I can. 

The person who I will never grow tired of, no matter how long she's in my life.  Because you do all the things to my heart that made it love you.  The way you showed it your love, showed it how you live and how you think, bared everything to me and my heart, showed me someone who was perfect to me.  Someone who I'll always want with me through my life, not because they make the shock happen because they are that jolt up my spine.  You are everything that jolts me, em.

My fear is coming true and I want to stop being anyway I am or making any changes that I can't stand behind.  If it isn't what I want I should make it clear.  Everything else is an excuse and a reason and a logic to make it seem okay and I'm sorry for all of it.  I'm sorry to ever have you come to that conclusion about me...  I made it wrong for us to be and I can't stand here and say anything because of how wrong it's all been for you...

I felt dumb for being afraid all the time.  It was way harder to be afraid than to just trust myself and always prove to myself that I could be anyone, and do anything... I played sports, I was academic, people liked me... and it felt good.  Feeling sorry or scared was just exhausting.  So I just always trusted myself to believe I was exactly who I was and that was all that mattered.
I will do as many perfect things as it takes to get back all the respect and try to settle all the strife.  I just want you to be you.  And I just want to be with you and have you at my side.  It's as simple as that.  I'm going to lose the recklessness so help me if it kills me, T.  Until we're safe to be reckless, completely reckless for each other. 

I want to just keep crying.  I want to just let go and cry until I'm dead.  But I'm doing this for every chance.  Giving you the opportunity to be loved by me if you're ready.  If you want it then.  I can never overlook that chance.  I want to be there now and I know I have to do everything I can to make things happen.  Sitting around and standing still won't build that future together..."