Abusive Paranoia

She sits around the fire,

            cracking,

            popping.

Hoping for a chance to speak,

            talk,

            yell,

            scream,

At him for what he has done,

            hit,

            cheated,

            abused,

            broke.

Mouth open trying to speak but nothing,

            silence.

Struggling she tries to move,

            stuck,

            motionless.

He suddenly is next to her, hand up and ready,

            smack,

            slap,

            hit.

As his hand is just about to strike her face she,

            awakes.

In her bed she moves to feel the,

            knife,

            gun.

This is what it has come down to, being frightend,

            always.

He is out on good behavior two years early, so now she just,

            fears.

 

 

Everything going through her mind locking everydoor.

Checking every window.

Sleeping with a knife and a gun under her pillow.

For the rest of her life she will livein this Hell.

Unless he commits more crimes against innocent women and sometimes men,

but whose to say he will be caught?

 

                            Isn't our justice system funny?

Reviews

[George Korolog]

This is a very good piece potentially, packed with emotion and fear. You have captured the basic gut feelings, but see if you can turn it into something more.

[George Korolog]

well, this is not coming across as I have typed it. I would indent the one word comments five spaces in on the second line and 10 spaces in on the third line and then go back to the far left for the next stanza. Using the page to create a feeling. On the suddenlly he is next to her line, instead of hand up, it might sound more scary and threatening as "Palm open hard" I have other comments, but I am limited to the amount that I can write. Look more at the second half, and see if you can keep the same rhythm going as you do in the first 21 lines.
This

[George Korolog]

The first 21 lines are powerful, clean, direct and leaves one feeling abused and attacked. I think those lines can gain some power with moving some of the lines such as:

She sits around the fire
cracking,
popping,




Hoping for a chance to speak,
talk,
yell,
scream
at him for what he has done
hit,
cheated,
s