How Do You Solve a Problem Like Steve?

In honor of my best friend forever and her adorable cat.

Skye: (bowing dramatically)

Madam, I am about to present to you the most famed song in the history of music, the most beautiful, the most dramatic, the most touching, the most wondrous, the most radiant, the most resplendent, the most rousing, the most poignant, the most catching, the most exquisite, the most divine, the most delightful, the most - !

Jazz: (impatient)

Okay, okay, get on with it then!

Skye: (reluctantly)

As you wish, madam. 

(hesitates)

But I'm afraid I need to tell you something very important, Madam.

Jazz:

OH ALL RIGHT THEN! Hurry up and get done with it!

Skye:

As I was saying, my dear Madam,

(clears throat)

Madam, I am about to present to you the most famed song in the history of music, the most beautiful, the most dramatic, the most touching, the most wondrous, the most radiant, the most resplendent, the most rousing, the most poignant, the most resplendent, the most exquisite, the most divine, the most delightful, the most - !

Jazz:

OH NEVER MIND YOU!!!

Skye:

I apologize for your discomfort, Madam.

Jazz:

JUST TELL ME THE SONG ALREADY!!!!

Skye: (reluctantly)

As you wish, Madam.

Here is this most famed song. It was played in the movie "The Sound of Steve's Caterwauling." I present to you, the grandest song of the age: 

HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE STEVE?

He climbs a tree like a monkey (does he have some of the latter's blood in him?)
His fur has got a burr (ouch)
He crouches when he wants to stalk (SCARY!!!)
The throw rug on the stair (poor rug)
And underneath his innocence (does he even have any?)
Is a criminal mastermind (you can't be too careful around that cat)
I even saw him hunting in the abbey! (Oh, goodness, Steve will throw the church into chaos!)
He's always late for bedtime
And he has no penitence! (Well of course, he's Steve)
He's always late for everything
Except for every meal (I never would have guessed)
I hate to have to say it (do you really?)
But I very firmly feel
Steve is not an asset to Rosie! (Are you sure?)
I'd like to say a word in his behalf (so would I, if you can believe it)
Steve makes me laugh! (He won't when he begins to eat you)

How do you solve a problem like Steve? (You can't)

How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? (You take a picture of it and pin it on your table)

How do you find a word that means Steve?

A robber? A murderer? A STEVE?

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him, (Such as: You are very scary Steve)

Many a thing he ought to understand! (Such as: Steve is supremely vicious and quite certainly queer)

But how do you make him stay? (You can't)

And listen to all you say? (You can't)

How do you keep a wave upon the sand? (You scoop some into a bucket and put the bucket on the sand)

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Steve? (Once again, you cannot)

How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand? (You draw it on a paper and cut it out and put it in your hand)

When I'm with him I'm confused (a typical symptom of Stevonia)

Out of focus and bemused (Oh dear, you must have a very serious case of Stevonia!)

And I never know exactly where I am (And it just gets worse!)

Unpredictable as weather (exactly so - especially when there is a forecast of a hurricane)

He's as flighty as a feather (though not quite so innocent)

He's a darling! (Only when asleep)

He's a demon! (Absolutely right!)

He's a

lamb

    LION!!! (Yess!!!!!)

He'd outpester any pest (no, he's not that bad, is he?)
Drive a hornet from its nest (but he won't be too happy about doing that afterwards)
He could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl (Yes, he could)
He is gentle! (Well...)

He is wild! (YES!)
He's a riddle! (YES!)

He's a kitten! (yes again)
He's a headache! (no, he isn't... well maybe he is...)

He's an angel! (perhaps... no.)
He's a Steve! (YES!!!)

How do you solve a problem like Steve? (How many times must I tell you, you can't)

How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? (Again, you take another picture of it and pin it on your table)

How do you find a word that means Steve?

A robber? A murderer? A STEVE?

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him, (Such as: You are a terrible rascal Steve)

Many a thing he ought to understand! (Such as: Steve was born to be baffling)

But how do you make him stay? (You can't)

And listen to all you say? (Again, you can't)

How do you keep a wave upon the sand? (You scoop some into a second bucket and put the bucket on the sand as well)

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Steve? (Once again, you cannot)

How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand? (You draw another one on a paper and cut it out and put it in your hand)

THIS CONCLUDES THE MOST FAMED SONG OF THE AGE, 'HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE STEVE?'

Author's Note

This is a parody on the song "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" from The Sound of Music. Enjoy!

Read Rate Review! :D

Reviews

[Julia Mancini]

Hahahaha! I loved it! I'm such a fan of musical theatre, so I loved that reference :-)

[The Scholar]

Haha this is brilliant! I was singing it in my head. And I love your answers to "How do you keep a wave upon the sand?" and such. Extremely creative and adorably hilarious. If ever I have a cat, I shall forthwith name him Steve. Already have a dog named Jack. :D
And kudos for the Sound of Music parody... love that movie.

[Alex Crow]

Hahaha yes kittens are like this i agree. This work is wonderful, great job.

[Wolfwind]

This was fantastic! =D It's always cool when people take and weave the people they know into their ink. The outcomes always turn out fun to read. I loved the way you set this up. I could see this being presented upon theater stage and performed.

Awesome Ink!
Aaron

[Nima M]

I loved it! The way you made everything flow so nicely and the rythm. It was awesome. Thanks for the lovely poem or play or whatever you wanna call it. I thought it was really neat.

[Artiste de Mots]

Interesting... Great creativity! Does this represent a certain neighbor o' mine's cat? Shouldn't you label it as stage play or screenplay rather than story? Good job! :D

[Desiree S.]

hey, lol that was quite funny!! xD Great Work!

Desiree :D

[Starcaller]

Lol, that was hilarious! Really great job XD

[Archia]

That's great, I love it. I'm really impressed how you made it all fit perfectly to the song. As I was reading it I was going over the tune in my head and it all worked. Steve sounds like an adorable cat, even if he is a bit annoying.

[CHRIS ANDES]

haha, i love this piece coz i definitely relate on the way how you do it
...typicallly true
=]