Cellar Door.

This is a story about a girl named Erica that battles with depression.While evrythng around her crumbles 2 pieces,there is somethng inside her buring with desire 2 b set free from the chains of death.

I see it play out in my mind.

 Dad's calling them. 

I make my way out the bathroom, leaving the shower on.

 I hear disgruntled noises being exchanged in the living room.

 I slide into my little sister's room.

 I look for my shoes.

 I quickly put them on.

 I search for my bookbag, knowing that I already put my laptop, my tablet, my notebook and a couple of markers, pencils, and sharpeners.

 Because I knew what was going to happen.

 I find it. I hurriedly strap it unto my back.

 I think of a way to escape. 

My eyes skim the room. 

The window.

 I make my way towards it.

 I silently click it open hoping no body has heard me.

 I slide the window open all the way up. 

Sticking out my left leg, and then my right.

 I jump out.

 Thank G-d I don't live on the second floor. 

I slowly close the window.

 I'm looking around now, praying that no one saw me. 

I tip-toe my way to the corner of the house.

 I look to the left.

 No one's there. 

I continue my way down to the front of the house. 

I stop.

 I peek my head out from behind the wall and I look to the left again. 

F**k.

 I see two men with white clothing on, leaning against the side of a van facing the front of the house.

 I'm screwed. 

I wait patiently but not for long because I know I've been in the shower now for about 15 minutes.

 F**k. 

What am I going to do? 

I try really hard to use mind-control  to force them to turn around. 

They don't.

 F**k, I'm running out of time.

 And then it happens.

 I hear one of the guys shouting to the others from inside the house. 

They must've found out that I'm not taking a shower anymore.

 F**k. 

Now's my chance.

 As the two are making there way to the front of the house, I wait alittle bit until they are a few inches away from the door.

 I haul a*s.

 I run as fast as my body will let me.

 I should've gone to the gym when I had the chance.

 I look back to see if they saw me. 

They did. I hear my dad yelling.

 Now one of the guys are running towards me.

 Wow, he's really tall.

 Jesus f*****g Christ. 

F**k.

 He's gaining speed, fast.

 I only make it to the stop sign until he snags me up and now I'm kicking and screaming, yelling out obcenities, cursing at the wind and wanting to die. 

The man is holding me by my waist and lifting me into the air. 

He's taking me towards the van.

 I see the other two guys get into position. 

One goes around the side of the van into the drivers seat and the other one is sliding the car door open. 

I feel like I'm being kidnapped over my will.

 And then I see it.

 I see his face.

 I see my fathers face and his eyes.

 His eyes, just staring back at me saying so much and then nothing at all.

 Tears are pouring down my face uncontrollably.

 The other man that opened the car door managed to grab my feet, after I accidently kicked him in the chin.

 Not really.

 It wasn't an accident.

 I still continue screaming and crying.

 My whole body feels like someone just accessed a restricted area without a photo ID.

  The last thing I remember is seeing my father sitting in his wheelchair, getting farther and farther away. 

And after that everything else just went blank. 

And that was the end of that chapter.

Author's Note

What did you guys think about this? It was just something I envisioned while showering. I need rates and comments please. Should I update it or nah?

Reviews

[LawrenceRaybon]

First off, the color and font size is, well, it's painful to read. I had an extremely negative reaction to both when the story first popped up and if I hadn't promised I'd read this I might have skipped it. Having everything in red and yellow alternating makes the yellow especially hard to read. Having a giant font size has the same effect as typing in all caps, it 'sounds' like yelling. Playing with color and font size can be a great way to set a mood, but the story, the words should come first, otherwise it's visual art, not writing. The previous may have seemed pretty harsh, but I'm seeing a lot of people that seem to worry more about their color and font choices than about their writing and it's becoming a pet peeve of mine.

The story itself is very good. I agree with Jokerboy16 in that the right amount of panic is instilled in the writing. You used short frenetic sentences and the cursing superbly to create a wonderfully frantic experience. I love that we as readers don't know if the narrator has psychic abilities or if it was a kind of nihilistic joke. I look forward to the next chapter!

***Standard Disclaimer: These are my honest opinions and they are absolutely not meant as any kind of attack. I only comment on work that I think is good and only offer advice so that we can all become better writers. You are always free/welcome to heed or disregard my opinions/advice!***

[Tatiana Casali]

ill change the colors and size :) thank you.

[Will Neill]

When I first read this piece I thought that maybe it was a poem by the way it was formatted, call me old fashioned but I like to read stories/chapters with a bit more meat, in that sense - descriptions, character traits and subtle interweaving of facts that the reader is unaware that he/she is reading but holds the story together. I found this lacking here, if it is supposed to be experimental then you have succeeded. I hope you do not take offense at my critique wrote it as a reader and not as an author.
Take Care.
Will

[Tatiana Casali]

Yeah, It was an experiement. I've never written stories before. This was my first go at it.

[Coyote Poetry]

I liked the story. I could feel the struggle and want to escape. I wanted to know more. The who, why, when, where and how of the character. You create a amazing character and storyline. I like how the father face kept appearing. It was a tense story and I wanted to read more.Thank you for sharing the excellent tale.
Coyote

[Generic Author]

Note: none of what I say may have been intentional, but depth is depth, and interpretations are interpretations.

First off, I really enjoyed the form. I haven't read much like this--and that's a plus. It's interesting. Now, I think the form is important in your story because it makes the narrative much more inaccessible than other formal styles. This is a good thing. The form matches the psychology of the narrator, partly. The narrator's mind is obviously fragmented by, using your description, depression; yet the way the form works makes me think that this girl is sane, and functional. The story behind the narration (a girl deceiving the true order of time) is the opposite of the form, which is linear. Unlike other reviewers have said, I think a poorly constructed time structure reveals a lot about form versus psychology, and adds to the mood of the work.

Now, if I may offer up some odd criticism; your story has a lot of potential character development and story development. I say odd because I don't agree with myself. I really enjoy the lack of information and the shallow development, it adds a lot, and leaves much up for interpretation. As a reader, I really connected the lack of information to the kidnapping; if I pry to much, I'm acting as the kidnapper, believing that depression is unacceptable, and forcing meaning (the kidnapping) onto genuine pain. And I know this sounds like philosophical masturbation, but no matter.

Obviously this is just me being esoteric. Either way, great story! As other have said, a pleasure to read. Keep it up!

[Tatiana Casali]

Aw, Thank you I apreciate your opinion. :)

[sharonlee]

I read this with a sense of mounting panic... you created/inferred that panic, so well done! A good piece of writing should make the reader feel and you did that very well indeed.

I've been writing for poetry & stories for 40 years and some of my best ideas/inspirations are born while showering.

A pleasure to read.

[C. Rose]

Positives: I agree with the positive reviews about the right amount of intensity and the benefit of your choppy sentences like "F**k." "They don't." and "I haul a*s". I enjoyed this piece, from the adventurousness of sneaking out, the vague foreshadowing of "he's calling them"

Constructive: A technical issue "fathers" should be "father's"
When you talk about how she scanned the room looking for a way out - this I did not believe. It is a room. There are two ways out: the door and the window. This is her house, her sister's room. She would know all the exits. She isn't exploring a dungeon and rolling a d20 for a spot check. May have gone overboard with the analogy but how often do I get to make a Dungeons and Dragons reference in a review? Reverse Tangent.
Time. Think the timeline through. He called them. She pretended to take a shower and went out the winder. They were already there. It had been 15 minutes? They very quickly realize she isn't in the shower... awkward?..(that makes me think they were going to grab her from the shower I felt that the events progressed too quickly. It should take longer for a van to arrive - maybe have more of a gap between the father calling and her deciding to leave. It also shouldn't take her 15 minutes to grab her back pack and shoes and climb out the window.
Also - while it is clever to tell us after she jumped out the window that it is just on the first floor - I felt jarred and tricked. I had visualized a terrifying leap and the potential consequences and you essentially tell me "JK!".
The little sister - Either cut the little sister because it isn't worth having an extra character is she has absolutely no role - Or give the little sister a role (more than needing to go into her room to get shoes) such as have her see the window escape and stay quiet or have the main character be concerned about what will happen to the sister or what the sister will think about what is happening. Including the little sister detracts from the solitary emphasis of the father alone at the doorstep if he still has a daughter inside.
The restricted access description is wordy and out of place. The story is winding down to the emotional hook at the end and I felt this line took away from the strength of your ending.


Amused: I read LawrenceRaybon's review after you made edits but before I saw your comment and was terribly confused! "it's painful to read" surprised me because from my perspective you had used standard font and color. Then I figured it out.

Favorite bits: How you describe the tall orderly. The look between the father and daughter (I think this could be better, cleaned up a bit - organize it or build intensity, but loved what you are trying to show here), the "it wasn't an accident" section, the plot line was both fun/adventurous and emotionally intense.

Nicely done.

[Tatiana Casali]

Haha, your funny and thanks. :) I'll try and fix the timeline :). BTW her sister isnt there. she's at school. but i should probably mention that. lol

[Alejandro]

Very Intense.
What happens next?

[Oswald Chesterfield Cob..]

I thought this was interesting, you pour out the right amount of panic for it, it actually makes the reader feel like their in the same position. Hope to read more from you soon :)

[Tatiana Casali]

Omg, thank you :) This gives me hope. I'll start working on my next chapter. I really apreciate this.