Faith/Endless Struggle

based on a true event, the story of one boys struggle with the evil deep inside his heart

There was a boy named Briar. He went to Bellevue West High School and he was a straight A/B student until he made the biggest mistake of his life.

Briar had made it through his Freshman year with minimal hassle, pretty good grades, he struggled in math as he always had since 1st grade when he had been pulled out of math classes to work on reading. He was an avid reader, he jumped at the chance to read books, especially books like Lord of the Rings. He was also a writer, writing his own book, one he hoped to get published some day. He failed math because of his struggles and the fact that his teacher for freshman year had been one of those types who didn't have the time of day for the students that didn't already know what was being taught, and refused to help him when he asked, he was constantly put at the back of the room for his math class, someplace he hated being because he already had to wear glasses to see the board anyway, but he was exiled to the back as one of the kids that didn't get it, so instead he just struggled and failed, never talking, he gave up asking questions because they were never answered. He went to summer school that summer so that he could make up his lost Math credit, and it was here that he met the beautiful young lady that would turn his world upside down.

Briar was raised as a Lutheran, and he had always had strong faith, went with the family to church pretty much every Sunday, had always enjoyed singing the songs and had attended a Christian private school from second to 4th grade, a place he had always felt comfortable and been able to do what he loved to do, read. His life was about to change though, and he had no idea what was coming. He met a girl that summer in summer school, and he had talked with her in passing, nothing really, or so he thought at the time, then when he started his Sophomore year at Bellevue West, and she her Freshman year, he realized that he had fallen for her. So he got her number, and began to get to know her, finally they sorta went out once or twice, bowling, walking in the park, simple things like that where they really just talked and got to know each other better, truth was, deep down inside he had fallen in love, or at least what he thought was love at the time. Little did he know that this girl would turn his world upside down and bring everything crashing down around him. 

After about a month of calling her usually every night just for the sake of talking to her and getting to know her, Briar began to notice a slight change. He could sense that something was troubling her mind thanks to the gift of Empathy, the ability to feel what those close to him felt, that God had given him, this time it would prove to be a curse though. She stopped answering his calls and she started to act a little bit strange around him, then one day he tried to strike a conversation with her and instead of speaking she just handed him a piece of paper, a sad, concerned look in her eyes. He was taken off guard by the act, and read the piece of paper it read "The possibility of madness is one eminent, Insanity will long be my friend. When there is one who cares so much for me, and my eyes wander to another. I apologize for this prolonged silence, through which I couldn't choose between. Fate will bane me for defying logic, but I have chosen. You are not my choice."

Those words hit him like a 2 ton weight, he read them twice just to make sure he understood them and had read them correctly and when he finished he felt everything come crashing down around him and felt his heart shatter into a million tiny shards, he immediately began to blame himself, though in reality he had had no control whatsoever over what had occurred. Briar began to sink, slowly at first but quickly before long, into a pit of despair, sorrow, and pain. His friends, and family all noticed, and tried to help but all he did when they reached out to help was retreat further and further into the pit and cloak himself in deeper and deeper shadows. He was past the point of return long and he began to blame someone else for his pain. He began to blame God because He had allowed this to happen to him, and had not stopped it. Before long Briar completely turned his back on God and forced God out of his life, making that final step into the pit, he sat in the darkness, with only a single small shaft of light inside his mental cage, one that he desperately wished would go away because shadows refused to get near it. He completely lost faith, and then the light just faded into the darkness, and not once did he miss it.

For 6 months he forced himself to suffer, during which he completely gave into the Depression and Pain that were now his constant companions in the pit he was trapped in. No one could help him back out of the pit, he had taken that final step and now he was helpless and powerless to climb back out. He soon became borderline suicidal, though he never committed that final act because he was too cowardly and could not raise the courage to do it... or was it the other way around? He came close but each time he always ended up putting down whatever he was going to use, and turning away without a second though, none of his friends could help him, and he just kept retreating deeper into himself, into the pit of sorrow, pain and despair.

The fact that he had 2 deaths in the family back to back while he was already depressed just made him retreat further into the pit and to curse God more and more for allowing him to suffer and be in pain. He thought that God was doing nothing to help him, and so he never even looked back at his choice to turn his back on God and run away into the shadows, not once did he look back.

Friends tried to reach to him continuously to try and pull him out, but he never reached out to grab them. Truth was, Briar was afraid to reach out for help, he was afraid that he was going to get hurt further, and that was something that would push him over the edge at long last. Even his family began to really notice that something was wrong with him, He was constantly getting into fights with his mother, which had never happened before, not in this capacity anyway, these were true hardcore bare bone fights, yelling matches. His grades began to suffer, and he was so deep in depression and pain that he just didn't care about it, the way he saw it, school was part of the reason he was the way he was and he wished that it would just fade from existence and leave him alone in his shadows to sulk and suffer. He cried himself to sleep almost every night, and when he was awake all he did was listen to his music, sit in the dark and listen to his music when he could, the darkness was his new friend, it hid him, it never soothed his pain but it hid him when he needed it. He hated himself, the world, God, everything, and everyone. He refused to reach out for help, in his mind he did not need it, in his mind, everyone had forsaken him anyway, even God, the Father whom he had been raised believing and trusting in to keep him safe, and the supposed "Father and Creator" had failed to do that, failed to keep him safe and watch over him. 

It wasn't long, Briar began to really consider how easy it would have been to slit either his throat or his wrists, just so that everything would go away, and then that annoying light shone back into the darkness. Eventually he got so annoyed with it that he reached out to shove it away and instead of his hand just passing through it, he found he was grasping a strong arm clad in armor. when he looked up into the light he saw an Angel, clad in armor plated robes and with huge wings folded behind his back, this was truly a Seraphim, sent to aid him in his battle against his own personal demons and the darkness. Shivers went up his spine as the angel said "Come child, do not be afraid, stand up and fight against this darkness that holds you captive, I am right here beside you, your Father has sent me to aid and protect you." The angel spoke those words and Briar knew deep down that they were completely and totally true, the truest words he had ever heard, except for what he had read in the Bible. He grasped the Angel's hand and it hauled him to his feet, and set him gently down, helping him to stand against the shadows. A new sensation gripped his mind, it felt like a searing heat, a  blazing inferno blazing in his heart and soul, and he knew that God had accepted him, the poor foolish child who had told Him to go "piss up a rope", who had turned his back and cursed God for allowing him to suffer, back into His warm embrace filled with Love and Grace. 

Some time after that fateful night that he had been sitting in his room, lights off and curtains drawn to keep out the light so that he could sit in total darkness and listen to his music Briar did something that he had not done for nearly 7 months now. He knelt and prayed, he prayed that God would help him to carry his burdens, that God would give him a friend that could understand what he was going through and that he could trust. He did not know how long he had knelt praying in his room, but when he finally stopped he felt warmth on his cheeks and when he reached up he felt that he had been crying the entire time, letting all of the emotions and pain, despair, depression, all of it just flow out of him and into God's hands.

Briar finished the rest of his Sophomore year at Bellevue West with less than stellar grades, he managed to pass with a B average, but just barely, because by the time he had climbed out of the pit he had trapped himself in with the Angel's help his grades were too far gone to get the A's that he needed to achieve his dreams of going to the military academy, they would have to wait until next year he decided. That year ended and he was still greatly saddened by the girls rejection, but he had found God and embraced Elohim once again, letting His warmth soothe away some of the pain. He finished that year and then set off home with a sigh of relief, he now had 3 months to get away from it all.

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3 months later

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Briar was starting his Junior Year at school, he was excited but also dreading returning to school, during the 3 month summer break he had not been able to get any of his pain off his mind, he forced himself to suffer for that time too, though he never returned to the pit, he had read the bible cover to cover 15 or 20 times in those 3 months, hoping to find some counsel from it about what he could do, but he never did. So he just forgot about it and turned his focus onto school. The first couple of weeks of school that year were more or less uneventful, he hung out with a couple of friends who he had mended relations with after they had given up on him and let him be his stupid, foolish, idiotic self during the last year. Then however, a prayer was answered in the form of a new girl, this time it was different though, she had suffered through a similar pain to his, and had suffered through a similar hell and survived, also with the help of God in the end, and she could understand him. He enjoyed talking to her and she quickly entered into his tight knit circle of close friends, consisting of 2 people besides himself, completely bypassing all of his usual standards. She was in his 5th hour class and he had finally decided to introduce himself, only to find out that she was completely new to Bellevue West. She became his "rock" the one girl he could just talk to about anything and everything, and hang out with and not have a care in the world about criticism or relationships, she was attractive yes, but he had his eye on someone else that God had shone the light of truth on for him to see her real beauty, and he quickly became the new girls "rock" as well. Their parents doubted their whole "rock theory" but they knew that it was true and had already proven itself.

Within a week Briar knew that this new girl was the answer to his prayer to God so long ago about needing a new friend, well God had provided him just that, a brand new friend who knew what he had gone through and who he could relate to really easily, someone who had no way of knowing him before yet didn't care, they became good friends quickly, and they intended to keep it that way. He could again see God's hand in everything, and he was thankful for all of it, ALL of it. God's help in climbing out the pit, his new friend, and the fact that he had even been allowed back into God's grace after telling the Father to go screw himself, he all of a sudden had a feeling that his Junior year was going to be extremely good and that he would enjoy it greatly...

Author's Note

Briar is a personification of myself, I left all other names out of the story just because I do not think they are important to the story. Briars struggle represents a struggle exactly like I had for 6 months of my life, a struggle against the evil that resides deep inside every persons heart, the same seed of evil that Eve fell to when taking the forbidden fruit from the tree in the Garden. All of the events in this story are true, I wish they were not, but truly, looking back on them I would not change a thing about the choices I made for I came out of the ordeal a stronger Christian.

Reviews

[cajjruss]

I've gone through many of the same experiences as you; so, I definitely have empathy. Please know that I went through many relationships in high school before God finally allowed me to meet my wife in college;)

[KillxThexCowboy]

Wow. I am speechless. Maybe once I see you I'll know what to say.