I wrote this little piece while I was at the camp when I had some free-time to make something for the last night of the camp, otherwise known as the infamous "Entertainment Night". Basically it's where people get to show off their talents. I wrote this poem as a kind of tribute to that awesome camp. The frail loose leaf paper I wrote it on has my blood on it by the way. This makes me think it's some sort of blood pact-seal thing now. XD It was unintentional though. O.o While I was trying to fix the poem up, I swiped my very sharp pencil down. The lead point scraped the skin of my middle finger. I looked at my finger, and I only saw a little cut and a little blood.
But when I looked at my paper, I saw little flecks of red. XD
For those who don't know Arabic, the word dunya means "life". The Arabic word just rhymed. X3
MYNA is the abbreviation for Muslim Youth of North America.
It's totally awesome. :D
My Review
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Hello, Dragon X. The poem was about your time at myna camp. I have never been to myna camp, and I am debating whether to be honest with you. The truth is, words like "incredible" and "unsizable", I'm sure have a great deal of meaning for you. Personally, I would like to know just how "incredible" or "unsizible" actually looks. You see, it's very easy to express one's emotions using words like "incredible", but often reader's don't get much from such words. Or they fill in such parts with their own meanings, which is fine, except that the meaning you originally might have wanted to convey then becomes lost.
I think that there are two potential poems, here. The first might be about someone not knowing anyone at camp, which is a very vivid and recognizable experience. The second is about how camp changes a person. I don't believe there is anything wrong with simply stating that camp changes one, as you do, or that you didn't know anyone, as you do. I wonder, however, about the imagery that could be associated with this.
For example: A line like "I knew noone" can easily be turned to something like:
"Faces all like eggs" (Any number of descriptions could have worked here, but I chose this one to point out the imagery. A face is a highly distinguishable object, while an egg is simply the same as any ordinary egg in an egg carton. A dozen twins. Oh, that's good."
"Faces all like eggs/ a dozen twins / to get to know"
etc. Note, however, that this is just my take on the poem, and my suggestions. Don't worry about me. Just try to keep your writing progressing. Is all. :D
This is really sweet and cute. It sounds like you had a lot of fun. :) I really like the rhyme scheme, and your meter is very consistent. Nice job! I bet the other campers really liked this.
Lol, I think the blood pact things is kind of funny. ;)
AMAZING :)
Sounds soo fun! I've never been to a camp before, but it seems awesome. I love how you rhymed it, by the way :)
'Dunya' is the name for 'world' in Urdu (the language I speak), so it makes sense in two languages :D Anyways, this is awesome!
*seconds Summer*
*100*
LOVE IT! Absolutely love it. It had just a simply lovely flow to it and it could be a bit like a ditty. DUNYA! Haha. My name... basically.. essentially.. means life. Lol, that could be a nickname. Anyway, I loved this poem.
* 100 *
Just because it's about MYNA. ( Which, one day, I will go to WITH you )
hi I'm basically a ghost here now
I show up once in a blue moon
I'm all over this nifty lil place called wattpad now, but my writing still sucks so don't go there
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