Cthulhu Rally

A Story by Jason Damstra

An amusing piece of fiction based on all those articles/images we've all seen for Cthulhu for president.

Dressed in a fine tuxedo and the ancient golden mask of the daemon priests from the hidden city R'lyeh, Matt Jordan, spokesperson and high priest for the new and surprisingly popular "Vote Cthulhu" campaign had this to say: "It was about five years ago now, that I first heard the eldritch rumblings of lord and master Cthulhu. I'd fallen asleep on my way home in the back of some rickety cab, and, upon waking I knew what I had to do. I got home, let the dog in, sacrificed the cabby and murdered my neighbors - I realized while drawing the arcane symbols of the Great Old One that I too could make a difference in this world. I'm here today to tell you that you can too. If you vote for Cthulhu I can guarantee the following criteria will be met:
Free housing for all, you'd be surprised how many can fit into buildings that twist the very fabric of reality in their non-euclidean perfection.
Free literacy programs for the underprivileged; all should be given access to the wonders of what the Necronomicon can do for you!
And finally, world hunger issues will be addressed more aggressively. We should see an increase in fishing produce in small sea-side towns thanks to the unrelenting support of the Deep Ones. Even the Elder Gods appreciate a healthy meal every now and then.
In closing, I just wanted to add, that people frequently ask me why I chose Cthulhu, why not some other Great Old one? Or even, an Elder God? I mean, Hastur the unspeakable has such a personable visage, and the nuclear chaos, the blind idiot god Azathoth could wipe out the entire universe, thus bringing an effective end to corruption... What really drew me to Cthulhu, was its equalist nature. It firmly believes in the equal destruction of humanity on a global scale; it doesn't discriminate if you're black or white, rich or poor. On the inside, we all taste the same.
Thank you for your time, and remember Iä Iä, Cthulhu Fhtagen."
It was at this point supporters around the room fell about in madness induced paroxysms of unrestrained glee.