THIS SIDE OF MY SKIN

A Poem by DoubleR

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most : saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had?

Do you really think you know me?
In me there's a person that you don't know.
Do you really wanna know me?
The way it gets bad here, i know you wanna say no.
Trust me, you don't wanna feel what i feel.
My head is a dark place, nobody wants to see.
You don't know my brain the way you know my name.
Since i was in darkness, it is all i became.

W-wh-why did I do that?
Please don't stare at me.
Feeling like a burden, I just wanna be free.
I shouldn't have said that.
They're just pretending to like that.
Oh god, why did I say that so loud?
And sometimes I wonder if anyone is glad to have me or they wish I was out.
Dear brain, pls leave my head alone.
Demons in my head, every part they own. GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
NO NO NOT AGAIN.
I just started getting better, no no not again.
My hands still shake and tears still flow,
god i don't want this anymore.

Maaf karna ma, perfect beti mai na ban payi.
Sorry pyaare papa, engineering bhi na mai kar payi.
Dekhe joh sapne aapne, unhe poora mai kabhi na kar payi.
Mummy papa maine kiya toh tha full try.
Par afsos, aapki beti fir bhi na bach payi.
Kehti sabko I'm good good
Par jeeti hu roz mai yaha ghut ghut.
Tanhayi ka nasha chadhe ghoont ghoont
Fir bhi kyu lage sab mujhe jhoot-mooth?

........You still think you know me?
It's scary what a smile can hide.
The thing is, you can't open my life and jump to pg 721 and think you know me.

Save me from myself.
Shoot me and I'll be well.
You don't understand and i can't tell.
I'm fading away slowly, but everyone is blind.
Can someone be proud of me, atleast I'm trying.
I can't help myself that's why I help others and be that kind.
Sleep doesn't help, if your soul has died.

The nightmares haven't stopped, I'm not sure what's real anymore.
I wore the mask for so long, i don't know who i am anymore.
I don't see me, when i look in the mirror.
Can I just shut up, my brain is a killer.
My loud silence, can't you hear?
My very own shadow is what i fear.
Half of me has already disappeared.

I think i feel a lot, i feel i think a lot.
Not yet corpse, why do i still rot?
Why am I hearing the voices again?
They say it's all in my brain.
These happy moments, vanish like a dream, as if I've overdosed cocaine.

I'm afraid to die and I'm afraid to live, so i just exist. Maybe i deserve all this.
I may be quiet but I've the most talkative mind, i admit.
Shhhh....I just want this world to be quiet for a bit.

OUTRO: Have u ever been lost in your own mind, that u don't know what you're doing with your own life?
The days when u can feel yourself losing interest in everything and you're struggling to find reasons to stay alive.
The days when surviving is your biggest achievement.
When u feel like everything is falling apart faster than u can pick it up and put it back.
And suddenly life isn't about living, it is about surviving. And u wanna end this story, but u can't. U can't wake up, cause this is NOT a dream.