A Good Sinner

I sinned. But what is a sin my friend? I love my Lord as much as you do. There comes a time when I can't go out. I feel like people are looking at me and know that I sinned. How much sins did you commit my friend? I made too much, and I will do more... Willingly...! What is a sin my friend? Is it defined by what I believe? What is a sin for an atheist?

I am sorry. I had a nausea yesternight. I couldn't sleep. I threw up all the night, could you believe it? I was thinking about what I did. If only you know how I feel at the moment, my head is spinning. You cannot help me. Of course you cannot my friend. My heart is aching to think what a lowlife I am. I stayed in this garret for two days, I am afraid to go out. People will look at me as if I am some beast, do they know what I did? They don’t but I am scared of their stares. Can you believe that I was once a preacher? People used to respect me, reverence me and take me as their model. I was a man of God. Now who am I my friend but a useless worm? I know, you don't have to listen to me... Give me that water bottle, I need to take my pill... And this again, this pill is what I refuse the most... This aside, I said you don't have to listen to me and I know for sure that you are waiting for a chance to hare. I do crazy things, this doesn't mean that I am crazy. Does it really matter what sort of sin I perpetrated? Do you know why I keep all this for myself? Because the more people know about your issues, the likelihood to get a help decreases...

You see my dear, it happens that my beliefs crumble from time to time... And I find nothing in this world that can help me bolster them... I am a wrongdoer and so they are... But even if they are, people run... they drop their worries and run towards a purpose... A worthy purpose... You see, I run too... But I run towards my worries... I hide my insecurities but till when?

Here is a question, how can I make sense of this world, huh? I envy you because you have an optimistic style of thinking... No I don't envy you... You have a distorted picture of the world... You know my friend, the difference between me as a sinner and you as a so-called saint is that you think positively of yourself and you always try to justify yourself and your behavior... For what? So to bring in line your actions with what you would see as consistent with the actions of a good human being. And I don't believe that there are good human beings out there. Being rational is what you refuse the most. If you were, your beliefs would sometimes crumble too.