Untitled

Just a short story I wrote to illustrate how I was feeling. Still editing.

A man find's himself lost in a forest. A forest full of nightmares and pain. The trees surrounding him are covered in sinew and the wind howls though the branches causing a wicked kind of laughter.

The ground is littered with several corpses , many familiar in their own way. One wears the clothes of what seems to be an obese man, a few wear jewels and not much else, others still are wearing black skirts and rows of pearls.

The man takes all this in with apparent ease, like it all seemed familiar to him. His only path was drenched in blood. Beneath the blood you can almost make out lidless eyes staring in various directions.

As he starts to walk down this path, a strange laughter echos through the air. The man seems to recognize it from somewhere and keeps a steady slow pace. A little further down the path the laughter bares a masculine tone and has a hint of cruelty to it. The laughter becomes even more familiar and to him.

As our traveler progresses down this path of blood, he approaches a bend in the path. As he reaches it, he can barely make out a very feminine shriek. It sounds as though it's filling the air with pain and agony and grows, as with the laughter, steadily louder as he winds his way down the path.

This man finds himself wearing nothing but a pair of blue jeans. All his imperfections are laid bare. His skin stretched beyond repair, his hands aged by wear, and his nose acts as a guide before him, just to name a few. Even through this and the surrounding landscape, the man wears calm around him like it's his favorite blanket. The scenes he sees, the sounds he hears, the things he feels, don't seem to pierce the calm.

As he finishes the bend in the path, the landscape on the left ignited into an amazing blaze billowing intense heat. To his right, the landscape cracked and popped as everything froze with sheets of ice radiating bitter cold. Neither left or right had any influence over the path or the man on it.

After a good deal of time passes the man starts to feel fatigue and hunger. Yet even with these burdens, he refuses to grimace. He keeps moving forward with out a single misstep. In a short amount of time, he comes upon a grove. The canopy was blazing with a brilliant white fire, the trunks, some of the branches reaching in to the flame, and the floor of the canopy were covered in thick blackish crimson ice.

In the center of the grove was a flat dull pool. It's waters a milky blue. On the far edge of the pool stood two figures. One apparently feminine, the other masculine. The feminine figure stood on the left and was wrapped with dark black and bright white flames. She was spewing flames to the canopy as she let out her pain filled shrieks. In her arms she held a small child. The child resembled a small version of a willow tree set in the midst of fall. The flames refused to consume the child as it cuddled close to the woman.

The other figure stood to the right, with the sound of ridiculing laughter pouring from his lips. He seemed to be carved of solid ice and translucent to a degree. The ice seemed to spread from his feet and wrap tendrils of frost around the trees and layering the ground with frozen hate. He had his hands held out with a blackish gray heart in the center of his palms. It beats very slowly and has sprigs of a burnt tree growing out of the top of it. The leaves still dance with a crimson flame. The oddest thing about this heart is that it seems fractured as though it has been dropped from a great height and that it is covered in a very thick layer of ice.

Our traveler steps into the grove and slowly walks up to the edge of the pool. He bows his head as his light brown hair falls gently into his steel blue eyes. He stands with both hands behind his back as he gazes into the pool.

The murky pool starts to move, forming odd shapes that have no place in this setting. It shows a small room with three windows covered with brown drapes. There is also a lamp and stand littered with dishes, a set of gray recliners and a middle aged man with auburn hair. He's wearing blue jeans, a gray hooded sweat shirt, and a black ball cap. The man watches this man sleep for a minute.

When our traveler looks up his grin widens. He continues to stand gazing at his opposites. The traveler asks, "what is it you want from me?" in a low and humble tone quite different from the sarcastic grin he wears with his blank unfeeling stare.

The woman in flames stops screaming, trails of fire pouring from her eyes like tears made molten. She screams, "I want you broken and alone, I want you to wither with pain! I have something you desire and you shall live with that want for all eternity!"

The traveler nods his head solemnly and whispers, "While it is true you carry something that I want, you shall bind yourself with your own chains. I shall know your suffering but I will not let it be by your hand." His last word echos through the grove. The woman shrieks even louder than before as she and the child are consumed by a pillar of fire until the shrieks fade into the crackling of her own flame.

Now our traveler turns his attention to the frozen man. He has become more solid and ceased his ridiculing laughter. Now he wears a face frozen in disgust. Coldly this statue of ice speaks, "I would prefer you to cease to exist, but if you will not fade away the least I would prefer is your endless suffering and longing. Your very presence fouls the air that I breathe." His last phrase was uttered with a cold bitter smile.

Again our traveler nods and whispers, "I will fade eventually good sir, but until then I will do as you request. Know this, I will bear your hate and disdain with a smile, you may know that I hurt by your hand but you will not bare witness to it." As the last words echo from his mouth the man of ice crushes the heart in his hands with a dissatisfied grimace as he utters, "you will no longer find any use for this." Upon the last shard of the heart hitting the ground the man started to freeze stiff, turning into a pillar of ice. The only thing that was left of him was his face frozen in agony anger and longing, covered by loneliness and disdain. At the feet of the pillar lay several shards of the heart he was holding, still trying to beat at a slow rhythm.

Our traveler, alone at last, laughed a smug laugh. "your right, I never needed that to begin with. That would be why I gave it to you in the first place." said the man coldly.

Now he turns his attention to the milky blue pool with the slumbering man in the center. This dreaming man starts to stir. "It is as it should be my friend, we deserve no greater fate than this. It's a pity you wont remember anything when you wake." Whispered the traveler. As he slowly closes his eyes, what looks like a tear forms. The man in the pool begins to take a deep breath. As the travelers eyes close more, the man exhales and a bitter frost covers the windows in the room. As this man opens his eyes and the traveler closes his, you can see a dark void where his eyes should be. So dark that there is what seems no end. A sarcastic grin spreads across his face.

At this moment a gray fog rises from the pools edges. It starts to spread outward, consuming everything it touches into nothingness. As the fog reaches the traveler, he bows his head in acceptance. Before the traveler is consumed the man in the pool utters quietly,"Your right, it is a shame I wont remember anything but this vast emptiness." As soon as the traveler is consumed the man blinks. He is left with cold steel blue eyes and a fake smile as he greets the people he cares about. Not showing any signs of remembering any of the events that just transpired.

Author's Note

I would appreciate feedback thanks much :D

Reviews

[Sasha]

I started reading this and thought, "Oo, it's a cryptic one." The personification of the trees made the start interesting. I wanted to know who this guy was and what was up with those trees wearing corpses. There were a few technical errors, but nothing major. On a side note, this traveler sounds like my kinda guy. Steel blue eyes, brown hair, wearing nothing but jeans and a sarcastic smile. It's silly, but did cross my mind. When the woman cracked up (*rimshot*?), I was wondering who she was and what she had that the sexy traveler wanted. I had an "I knew it!" moment when I made it to the end. I thought the man and woman might be a metaphor for his parents and the man in the pool is another version of him. It sounds like this was a dream. I still can't claim 100% certainty, but I'm good for 95. Which is also what I'll be rating this as.

Overall, it was very creative and interesting to read. You described your characters and setting well. Your language was simple and straight-forward but still enough to convey powerful feelings / imagery (the best kind of writing, in my opinion). Like I said before, there were a few technical errors I picked up on, but that's nothing a quick revision can't fix.

Excellent job. I look forward to seeing what else you write.

[Johnzo]

This is a very interesting piece. You have a real knack for detailed descriptions, it really painted a vivid picture here. The dark tones reminded me a bit of the movie Labyrinth, it was very engaging overall.

A couple phrases threw me a bit though, may need some clarification or rewording.

"It sounds as though it's filling the air with pain and agony and grows, as with the laughter, steadily louder as he winds his way down the path." This sentence reads a little awkwardly, maybe break into 2 sentences?

"The canopy was blazing with a brilliant white fire, the trunks, some of the branches reaching in to the flame, and the floor of the canopy were covered in thick blackish crimson ice." Might also be clearer by breaking it into multiple sentences.

"One apparently feminine, the other masculine." By this point it seems odd to not just refer to them as a woman and man. (Even though there is heavy symbolism going on, and they may not actually be a biological man and woman. )

"The man watches this man sleep for a minute." This line and a few others near the end I found a bit confusing as to who was who.

This was a good read, I hope you continue on!