Love is Pain

A Story by Doodle29

some life perspectives and just writing for the sake of writing

Have you ever felt...neither happy nor sad? Have you ever felt like you just are, and there's nothing more to it? Have you ever felt like crying, but for no reason? Have you ever stood awake till the dawn of day and marveled at this world's beauty and yet you still found it as not enough? I don't know if these are questions that I'm asking you or myself. I don't know if there's an actual answer to them.

I feel like such a boring individual. Because if asked how am I? The answer would be a sincere ok, and I feel like that is extremely mundane and meaningless and yet it's exactly how I feel. I just am, nothing more to it. You'd expect that behind such a common, boring question there will be more behind it... and it usually is for most people. If asked how they're feeling, the obvious answer is good or fine, but most of us know that there is so much more behind those 4 letter words. A hidden story, a personal matter that is only for themselves or the closed ones. Oh, but how we all love to pry.

I'm a miserable human. I don't have any real problems and yet I still manage to put myself in a state of mind that doesn't bring me happiness. I don't have a reason to feel the way that I feel but maybe "feel" is a bit much since I feel like I'm not feeling anything. I'm just a boring individual. No motivation, no real meaning in life, no intricate back story, no desire for anything. Hell, I don't even know how I made it this far or how I got where I am.

I have an affinity for the broken, yet I'm too afraid and anxious to ever go near them. I want things in life, but I cant seem to indentify them. Sometimes I wonder if it will be better if I were to just disappear. To stop existing because I don't seem to have any qualities that will bring any improvement to this world or have some traits that will be a shame if the world were to lose them. When I look at myself in the mirror I don't see anything beyond the surface. I see flesh, and skin and hair and not someone. More like something. I'm... incredibly dull. I like life yet I find it so boring and such a scary and painful place and I love to trick myself into thinking that there's more to it than meets the eye. That its more than just a meaningless place filled with meaningless breathing things that think they are something. That their existence really matters and that when looked from above they're more than just ants going about their day, filling rituals that only make sense to them alone. We, humans, are hateful, egoistical, jealous beings and there really is nothing that we would do that won't benefit ourselves.

I would like to talk a bit about love, since most of the homo sapiens species thinks that it's actually what makes us strip ourselves of our own desires and actually care for the needs of others alike. But love is actually nothing like what is has been portrayed by the society, and what you've been tricked to believe it is. To put it simply, it is still a representation of your own interests and egotistical life. Because when you "love" someone, you don't actually love them, you love the idea of them and what that person can do for you. You love them because it makes you happy, you care and nurture for them and bring them gifts and other stupid stuff because their happiness makes you happy which gets you something in return. And love is actually the climax of pain and suffering. This is what love is, because it unconditional. You should do all those things even tho it doesn't bring you anything in return and because we cant do that, only proves how shallow we are and how life here, on Earth, is nothing more than a troublesome experience.

F**k your love, f**k you principles and your opinions. You are nothing and your existence means nothing, you just like to think it does because otherwise living would be unbearable but still... Maybe we can find beauty and meaning in nothing too... maybe we should just live for the sake of living and just wait patiently for death which will release us from the chains of this world.

Even if our existence is s**t, that doesn't mean we can't still enjoy it.