Stranger than fiction

What a day!

 

Woke up mothers day to my ex-husband and two sons in the kitchen making me breakfast in bed. I pretend to sleep until they come in and say suprise! I eat it all as they watch assuring that this is the best breakfast I have ever eaten in my life and then open my gifts.

 

Laze around until my sister shows up to take my sons and myself to Hemet to visit my mom.

Holiday shows up and I am so happy to see her as she moved a couple hours away and this is the first time I'd seen her in a while.  

 

Once on the freeway, it feels like she is crawling along.  God Holiday I tell her, "see that turtle by the side of the road, try to keep up"  "Shut up" she laughs. Oh wait I say, "he's dead, theres a chance you might actually pass him"

 

Usually on a long drive with another human being, I find that I've aquired a Pavlov response to polite, mindless chit chat, once it starts, I kind of retreat a few levels into my own head. I'll still answer, but I'm just not really there.

Not with Holiday.

 

We talk about books and the beach and she tells me about her trip to the Museum of Modern Art, how in the contemporary modern section, she did not really get some of it. A picture of a lightbulb or just a plain orange concrete block that probably cost about 100,000 to buy. "Some of it was just crap, her boyfriend and her figured that  what sells it is the background of the (tortured) artist that causes so many people to read so much into it.  That the artist was probably born in a hovel in Guatamala, molested as a child and homeless most of his life.  

 

Haha I tell her, then I should become a contemporary modern artist, I'll take a profound picture of an actual pile of crap, blow it up and frame it, people can read into it that it is a statement on life love and the american way. Do you think its too late for me to get molested?  Cause the way things are going, I just might be able to swing the homeless part.


She laughs.


 

"I don't know how to get to moms house from the freeway" she says as we pull off into Hemet, passing pastures and farms.  "God, every time I smell the aroma of cow s**t, I think of Hemet" I say seriously. This strikes her as funny and she starts laughing. "Just tell me how to get to moms" she said.

 

"You know me and directions I tell her, you can't even be PC and say I'm directionally challenged, in fact I'm down right directionally retarded. "Call and mom ask" she says, handing me her phone. "I'm just kidding I say, I know the way to mom's house like the back of my hand, you know how some people are bad cooks but have those 2 or three recipies that always come our perfect?  When it comes to directions, the way to moms house is my specialty, I proclaim, so caught up in my little speech that I forget to tell her to turn left on Florida Ave. 

 

We turn around again and keep talking, I tell her all about how a certain guy and I stopped talking after about 5 months because it was a long distance relationship (another state)and neither one of us could move. How after we stopped talking I contacted him a few times after a night out drinking with a bunch of maudlin and very rude emails that I sent and had to read with mortification in the morning. How I had texted for some reason that I had had sex with another man a week after I had seen him. Not true, but awful to say.

 

I read her his last email, basically and literally amounting to "f**k you"  "you should go see him again she said. Holiday! are you listening to me? I ask. He is going to  get a f*****g restraining order against me if I contact him again, I am never drinking again if I will later be in the same room with a computer. Good idea she says, one or the other but never the two shall meet.

 

We both laugh.

By now, I have completely forgotten...again that I am supposed to be giving her directions. We are  in some rundown old neighborhood.  "I'm so sorry" I laugh.  looking at the old beaten down houses.  


 
"look at these houses I joke, I bet you that one out of three, If we walked into it right now, there'd be a man with his shirt off drinking beer, pot belly sticking out and scratching his a*s. "Probably gonna beat the wife tonight" she adds, I laugh and say   of course, you need the mandatory child, naked except for a dirty diaper, drinking a sippy cup full of old milk, snot running down its nose. 

This is an awful scenario but inexplicably we can't stop laughing.

 

Finally, I navigate us to mom's house. Although by now she does not trust me that I know how to get there until we are pulling in the driveway.

My mom meets us at the door, an awesome beautiful woman with a penchant for the occult.  She gives us big hugs.  Can I plug in my phone?  I ask my hand shaking slightly from 4 coffees and no food yet today. 
 

My moms green eyes narrow and she asks me one of the two questions she's been asking since we were 12 years old, Why are you shaking?  Are you on drugs?  Haha, I laugh, "yeah mom, Holiday and I stopped off at a crack house on the way, thats why we are late." I have not taken a real drug since I was about 17 but she still asks.
The other question is "are you pregnant" I did not get that one today.


 

"I just did not eat today" I tell her. "Why havent you eaten, are you depressed?"  "No mom, I am wonderful!  I just was not hungry and had too much coffee" she studies me then goes and grabs the 8 ball. She shakes it hard then asks "Is Donna depressed?" The 8 ball says yes. I laugh and we all sit down on the couch.

 

We talk about this and that, how my sister Adells estranged husband is calling every single one of her relatives, aunts, uncles and cousins, lying and saying that Adelle is a w***e and on drugs. (she has not touched drug since experimentation in high school either)

 

"Jeeze! Who hasnt he called?" said Holiday.  Holiday I said, He's probably already gone to a psychic to channel the dead great grandmother that we never met just to tell her what a drug addicted w***e Adelle is.

 

Haha laughs Holiday changing the subject, she says Donna, you need to color in your eyebrows. Get me some eyeliner, eyeshadow and come here. I get it and come over so she can do it for me. 

 

Eyes closed, I listen to Holiday and mom talk. The conversation turns to the swine flu. "How many have died?" Holiday asks my mom. I think about 20 here and over 300 in mexico.  Over there it's an act of God I joke as they gasp." "Thats awful Donna" says Holiday. "I'm just kidding" I laugh, I just said that to shock you. 

 

"Why did so many die in Mexico as oppposed to here?" asks my son. 

 "Sanitation mostly I think" says my mom.  Yeah says Holiday, half the time their toilets don't flush."  Half the time they have no toilets" I quipped. No one laughs, I guessed Mexico is a taboo subject until my mom says yeah and they have... her voice trailed off for a second and Holiday said "Donkey shows"  Holiday! said my mom. What? thats what you guys were thinking.  No... thats what you were thinking you pervert I laughed.

 

I then tell my mom about the couple times I emailed mean or maudlin things to him and his very last response. She studies me again for a moment ..."give me a lock of your hair"  No! I laugh, I don't believe in that stuff, besides Mom, I AM FINE, well over it, moving on and that is the past. 

 

She responds with "just a little lock, you won't even miss it" "You are not getting a lock of my hair' I say.

 

Holiday starts talking about something else, but my mom keeps looking at my hair. Stop it! I can't stop laughing now because it's all so funny.

 

My mom gets up, pulls out the ole 8 ball again and starts asking it questions about me.  "Is Donna lying about being depressed, will Donna be in love within 4 months? etc. "mom that 8 ball is a f*****g liar I laugh, Its also said last time that I'd be married three times in my life, there is no way, besides you know I don't believe in that stuff!"

 
Ok she says finally, "maybe I will just put a spell on him, make him pay for telling you the f word" "Dont you dare I tell her, "I had said it first"
 

"I thought you don't believe in that stuff" she smiles sweetly. Still... Mom... No! I say.

She leaves the room, comes back and tells me to hold out my hand. I do, and she pours some sweet smelling green liquid into it getting it all over the tile.  "Hurry, go wash it quick she says and think good thoughts while you are at it. 

 

I rush to the bathroom laughing to wash off the goo.  When I come back she notices that it has stained my palm. "This is not good" she says, It usually comes off unless you are in trouble and need it to stay there awhile for extra help.

 

She then notices that her own palm is also stained. "I must be in trouble too and need extra help because it stained my palm too" she says solomnly.

 

"I think you both need help" laughs Holiday.

My mom leaves again and comes back and starts to spray me all over with some rose scented water.  "this will drive away bad spirits" she says. "Ouch" I say, as she accidently sprays me right in the eyes.  Holiday can't stop laughing because it got in my eyes.

We then sit around and somehow get on the subject of Karma.  "I don't believe in it" says Holiday. "Me either" I say. "I do" says my mom matter of factly.  "Mom...I say, we already knew that. You ask questions to an an 8 ball, I think its safe to assume that you also believe in karma.  We all laugh and decide to go take grandma some flowers and a card before Holiday and I go home.

 

We get in the car and my son remarks to my mom how much he like her cat. Yeah, he's wonderful she tells him, I think he's a dead relative"  "A relative?" asks my other son. "Yes, when I found him, he came right up to me, would not leave and I knew what his name was right away, had him for 8 years so far" my mother answers.

Interestingly no one in the car even questions this logic. "Oh" says my son and we proceed to grandma. At the last minute after we have all signed the card, my mom hands it back to me "sign for your other sisters, and use different handwriting"  I sign Josi's name with florish then tell them I am going to sign Adelles name all crazy like she is on drugs and smudge a little white powder next to it.

 

After grandma's house Holiday and I have to go home, we get back to moms house and as she is hugging me goodbye, she rips a few strands out of my hair. Aha! she proclaims happily and runs into the house. Once again I cannot stop laughing as we drive away... god I love her!

 

I get home finally, turn my key in the lock , palm stained green, eyes stinging, stomach hurting from laughing so much and my head missing some hair. I can't help but laugh to myself and think, what a wonderful day!

Reviews

[Flo_writer]

You mother sounds like a strange and interesting person. I would brave the long drive to be in her company more often. I wonder is your sisters name really holiday? You also seem to be just as interesting as your mother, although I find your humor to be more as a counter towards hers. And your ex husband actually made you morning breakfast, you too must still maintain a good relationship. Such a rarity in divorcees. Your bless.