Drowning

I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water,

but the ocean keeps crashing over me.

I'm getting tired of fighting the currents

and my body just wants to feel free.

Free from pain,

free from the hurt of it all.

I struggle and squirm,

nothing works.

I don't live like I used to anymore,

the days roll by on an endless cycle.

I think I lost myself a long time ago,

but I'm starting to realize that it's harder to get it all back without anyone by my side. 

It's not fair that I have no one to tell my pain to, 

but maybe it's my own damn fault.

I keep it all tucked away,

wear a mask all day,

and numb the pain anyway I can. 

I think about death a lot,

mostly because I'm depressed.

But sometimes I think it may be the only way people think about me. 

My therapist tells me to take some pills,

but I'm not trying to change the way I am.

My only option is to deal with this on my own,

God knows I'd never kill myself.

I wonder how life would be without me.

Would people cry for me?

Would they apologize for all the things they've said to me,

or appreciate the people around them without limits?

I just wanna hear that I matter,

that I'm loved.

Because lately it's been so damn hard,

my heart feels so numb.

I feel weak, 

all alone with my thoughts.

I wonder what my paradise looks like.

Is it full of the things I crave, like the freedom from feeling unloved?

Even if it is, I don't deserve it. 

I need to know I belong,

but I haven't ever fit in.

Always tearing pieces of myself of for others,

what's left? 

Just pieces of an already broken person.

A person ready to give up the fight.

I know I can't leave anytime soon,

but if I do, tell my mom I loved her for my whole life.