Remembrance and Reflection (Chapter 6)

I never expected thing to be easy, I didn't. My two weeks had passed with the Doctor... I didn't realize what an impact this would have on me. I was grateful, however, to be with familiar faces again. But, that did not stop me or help me from what I was feeling. I felt like I was a monster, committing such unspeakable cruelty, unfathomable sins against humanity. I watched as the Doctor had ended the beautiful lives of many. It seemed he had preferred a certain type of patients as opposed to others. I noticed he despised a few as well, often spitting on those who weigh more, he would speak to the children with mental disabilities as if they truly are stupid. I remained silent, I wouldn't speak for those two weeks as I watched him. What killed me even more inside, I was there and I could do nothing about it. 

I wanted to curl into a ball and let those who were capable, to do their worst since I believed I deserved it. If only I can change things. I didn't question the Doctors motives in my own fear. It all became surreal once patients were put under. It was so contradictory when we compare actions to words. My heart dissolved the moment this week ended. I was a monster, mentally and emotionally. I felt grateful that it wasn't me, morose that I had witnessed a lifetime of death before me, and a mix of other things I can't seem to describe. Nothing came to mind. What had killed me a little more is that each moment I'd sleep, I couldn't dream, nor could I even reflect. Nights now seem like an endless dream, a purgatory once I close my eyes. I do feel I belong in a purgatory, to sit against nothing and wallow in misery, alone. I hadn't wanted to see anything but the blank wall, the blank images that crossed my mind. Each night and this night still, I can't help but to crawl in bed, cover myself with blankets, and let myself cry. It was no use to fight the tears, though I didn't not deserve it. I was apart of a regime that had drove apart families, ended the lives of many, and would continue to do so. I had no other option but to follow through since I am here now. I knew there was officially nothing I could do that wouldn't get me killed in the process. 

I wanted comfort for nothing. I should have known what I was getting myself into. I knew I couldn't say no since I had seen others, who now seemed to have not reluctantly, go past the wretched gate. Maybe I was just different. Maybe I wasn't blind.... What comfort I wanted, was the comfort that had belonged to someone else. By someone else, it seemed that comfort had belonged to Ingrid, as if she needed it. Nikolas had came back while I was in the camp. I didn't realize I was that far out of the loop. Nikolas would still talk to me, pursue to get to know me while we had our usual lunches and dinners together. I think he had no clue on my pain in the current state I was in. I hide my emotions well, I suppose. I layered them, bottled them in my body behind this razor blade of a smile. I led others to believe I was fine since I knew trouble would come after. I didn't want anymore backlash than what I deserved. When I was able to leave my post to eat, that is when Nikolas and I would discuss things again. It was not much time and I noticed a few changes within myself. I knew it was quick to change but I didn't realize that until we spoke. I seemed cold to him. I recall ignoring him and him having to grab my attention again in mid conversation. I would be adrift in space since every moment in the camp, I'd recall unwillingly. I don't think he realized that but surely he would understand... I hope. I remember each incision, each poke, proddle, each wound and gash those people had and that we'd inflict. I felt just as at fault since I was present in the room. The Doctor, was a different man to me. A man, despite of his stature, was composed of evil and vile that surely, his blood was nothing more than a black tar that filled his veins.  Surely, the prisoners and patients thought the same of me.

I didn't realize how many things had changed within these two weeks. My grandmother had been posted to a new camp which I could give a little goodbye. I was promised that she would write to me and maybe comeback. Sofie was now to work with the doctor, Ingrid had been taking care of my line of duty which I did appreciate, in all honestly. Metzger was also busy taking care of business since we now had soldiers injured during campaigns to be housed and healed here. Ironic to me since men came here to heal and men came here to die. I would, however, help heal the injured on both sides, regardless of who they were. Maybe I really was different. I felt so conflicted with myself as well. I wanted comfort that I knew I didn't deserve. I wanted to feel at peace with everyone, though I know they won't feel peace with me. It's just that simple. Whatever cruelty they received, I felt at received. I wish I could believe I did no wrong since I didn't really help besides watch... which would still make me witness to hearing, seeing, and witnessing evil. Such melancholy and rancorous thoughts must have filled his head since I didn't think any normal man would do this willingly. The comfort I could have was just a bit beyond my reach. I wasn't sure where Nikolas was with me at this point since it was clear we can't be on the same page. The way he would look at me showed a sincere regret in his eyes but his actions spake differently.

From what he has been up to, I wasn't sure where his intentions were. They seemed to be aimed at me but as wel as Ingrid. He would flirt with me, look at me as if he was in a state of lust when our eyes met, but he'd do the same at Ingrid. Every time he would, I would be discouraged from making any moves which would, in turn, let Ingrid makes hers. I felt I shouldn't have cared at this point since I didn't tolerate this from past men, so why am I now? There would be times I was ignored for awhile while he would turn to Ingrid's side. Each time he did, I would hate her more and more. 

Now as I look back, six months after being here, I can surely see how much I have changed. I knew what was happening and I knew I could not stop it. I had given up hope, despite the short time being here so far. Nikolas and I remained close while Ingrid and I would continue this silent war between us. It was almost nothing but every moment together was tense and often strained. I do recall why when I had been kissed by Nikolas while she was present in the room. We were celebrating a victory on a campaign which everyone had cheered, hugged, and cheered more. Nikolas had grabbed me by my shoulders and pulled me into a kiss which both of us clearly wanted unless I was in some sort of denial or a haze, befallen on me. Every move I'd make, he'd watch, he would bulk up immediately when I would talk to other men about how grateful we are and camp gossip. I felt his motives, at the time, were genuine. I was happy for the time being despite still being ultimately fragile by what this camp has made of me. I was not as strong as I thought I was, still crying for those would had their voices taken away, who could not even cry for the sake of their lives. I'd still cry, each night, alone before I would be in bed, waking up with massive headaches or being in a fog, not recalling any dream since the normal dream for me was a nightmare, a night terror which I would one day never wake up from.

Anyways, I suppose Ingrid had saw me kiss him since we knew we both had a thing for him. It was never a complete love triangle or official one. It was more flirting between him and Ingrid than actual romance. I do believe I might be wrong. I hoped I was right about the romance. I noticed after our kiss, Ingrid had just stopped trying with me. She would walk past me, not notice me as if I blended in with the background which was never a problem for me. But not only, it seemed Ingrid would have her more and more to throw at me without ever really having contact with me. She would do little things, like talk to him while I was, interrupt us while we would discuss things at meals, just preventing the little interaction we had. I never did speak to Ingrid since that kiss. I was glad... It was a step closer to having her out of my life since I had grown ultimately frustrated with her. I did not want anything to do with her, nothing at all. I was nothing more than empty space to her, and she to I. 

Today is a new day, six months later from the day I started. I recall even making progress with Sofie, who was now an important ally to me. After her work with the awful Doctor Kleinig, something in her had changed. The day her work was over was the day she had finally spoke to me, not as a stranger, but as a familiar face. I had her a little whimpering in the showers at night when I thought I was alone. I peaked beneath the stalls, trying to be silent since I didn't want to be seen. I saw Sofie, crouched on the floor, her clothes now wet from leaning against the wall as she sobbed silently with her knees tucked to her ribs. I had on my pajamas and I tip toed to the door, trying to be secretive about this since any interaction like this since I knew others would not permit this. I knocked on the stall, "Hello?" I asked, repeating myself in a hushed tone. "I'm sorry..." I heard a slow, solemn voice say. She got up and opened the stall door, wiping any tears. "Sofie..." I said, "Don't. Please." She said, backing up a bit, pushing her blonde hair back. "I know..." I said. "I do. I understand." I informed her, backing up too since I didn't want her to feel threatened. "I know, I've heard you in your room when I was walking back one time. I know." She said, looking around with tears starting to form in her eyes again. She sat down on the little bench that was beneath the shower and placed her head on her hands. I felt her pain and still do to this day. There is times we were go into one of our rooms, usually mine and discuss the pain we feel. It was almost like having a friend, someone who now understood me. I was grateful for this friendship and it was almost as if we never hated each other. I was grateful that we both came around.