Images (Chapter 5)

I didn't realize how quickly this day would approach. I had been retrieved by an SS man who had a rifle slung over his back which was attached to a mere leather strap across his grey tunic. He had another gun, a handgun, clinging to his waist. It was clear he was polite but from his face, I saw something different. He had seemed angry at something as he came to get me. I hadn't learned his name or who he was, the only words he spoke was, "Meet the other's by the train tracks." I had no other choice but to go. I left my room, reluctant since I had heard of this before. 

I put on a warm jacket that was a Nurse's issue. I was rather surprised that it was warm considering it had no furs or anything besides wool or cotton. It was an off white color which would somewhat stand out against the snow. I placed the bonnet on my head along with my scarf I was allowed to wear. It was a plain red that my mother had knitted for me, which, never failed to keep me warm. I was ready now, my face and hair presentable. I didn't bother putting on any makeup here since I wasn't sure if that was allowed. My lips were a pale pink and my eyelashes were naturally long. My skin color had actually lightened a bit by now. To the mirror, to myself, I believed I was sick. 

We were by the tracks with a train pulling a few carts that let out a long gasp of steam from it' chimney which was a crude black. There was a commotion within the carts as I saw our men waiting about in front of me. I didn't make much noise but I heard a variety of things, which was rather cruel. I didn't mention anything as I stood there, anxious, trying my best not to show it. I seemed to be the only woman within the group of men so I was hoping I would have been somewhat sheltered in a way, hoping that these men would have some compassion for little me if I was seen nervous. I saw Doctor Kleinig with a clipboard and a pen attached to a silver beaded chain. I didn't know what he was writing and I looked at him quickly since I kind of didn't want him to approach me. Two men begun to slide open the doors to the cattle car and what I saw was a hoard of men, women, and children. All of them were cowered in fear after being kept in the dark for so long. I saw women, holding children in their arms, some of them shivering from the cold as they wrap their babies in their jackets. I saw the men, cowering and protecting their own in the same way. I never seen such fear, real fear, on anyone's face. I saw older women and men as well too. I feel like the elders knew at heart since I seen such stillness, such calm across some. Maybe we weren't giving them enough credit since they were kept in the dark. They were all skinny as well for some. I didn't want to know how long they were kept prisoner in this mobile prison of gloom and darkness. The interior smelled of warped wood and other stench that I didn't know how they could bare. I assumed there was little food for anyone and no water. I saw flies swarm in and out of the bars from a little hole in the wall which wasn't worth calling a window. I knew that meant a few things that I didn't have the heart to confront. 

There was dogs barking, snarling with their lips back, showing their fangs. They looked possessed by the Devil himself as their black eyes had sharpened the moment they saw the others. I heard the men howling as well, snarling orders immediately when the door opened. I was by the brick wall as I looked at what was going on. I hadn't seen anyone move so quickly before. They were lined up on the ramp as quick as the guards had ordered them. I noticed that some here were drunk except for a few. I didn't know you could be drunk on duty and I saw the drunkards harassing the women mostly. I heard Bernd and Marcel label them cruel words and titles like filthy, w***e, b***h among other words I never would have said freely. I wondered if Nikolas had knew about this before or participated in him. My view on the men I did know was low now. Once they were in the line, I saw them make selections on who would be great for work.

I was approached by the Doctor and he had ordered me to help him make selections. He called out for twins out of all prisoners. I saw mothers making a reluctant face, making the impossible decision of making sacrificing their children, all of them who seemed rather innocent. I knew this place would be too harsh for children and I wouldn't have the heart to let go mine if I was in their shoes. I saw them make a tighter grasp on their prides and glory. I felt even worse when I heard mothers screaming and fathers hollering when I saw them let go of each other. It even hurt me, even though I wouldn't show it. It was this moment when I knew families are torn apart but their undying, unconditional love would remain strong. I didn't show any feeling, my face was still as can be, suppressing any feeling that I might show since I knew I was not allowed to make any remorse or regret. I couldn't bare it when I saw the looks of their faces, especially on the children. My heart had thumped out of my chest and my eyes had begun to sting a bit. I saw some of them very quiet, shy from all this cruel commotion or in tears from their losses and forced sacrifices. The Doctor looked at them, writing down little notes on each child. I knew I was to stay here until all of the cattle carts were emptied out. Gunshots had rained over them to cause intimidation, even shooting ones that maybe had mouthed off or gave a dirty look in protest before the crowd and I. I tried my best to keep my cool but I had told the Doctor if I may use the ladies room and had granted my request.

I paced to the ladies room in the infirmary where I knew would be private. I quickly walked through the plaza which was quiet despite the infuriating, deafening sounds of blood curled screams, solemn cries around them. I didn't bother to say a hello to anyone as I continued my pace down the corridor to the ladies room which was, thankfully, vacant. I immediately slammed the door shut and fastened the bolt to barricade me from the outside world. It felt, at this moment, I was in a world of my own. Everyone, at this moment, ceased to exist as I slid down to the floor in front of the toilet. The drops of water that fell from the faucet was maddening as I sat there, my breathing heavy and almost deliberate. "No... no no no no... no no no." I started to mumble unwillingly. I felt a rise and a fall in my stomach as saliva began to coat the back of my throat. I felt uneasy and I quickly got on my knees as I began to vomit for what felt like an eternity. I didn't try to flush so often in case someone would hear me and suspect something. There was a strand of puke that trailed down my chin and my mouth reeked. I locked myself in here, sitting against the wall for a long time before moving again. I couldn't get the images of those innocent people out of my head. 

I knew it'd take some time, probably some million years to get this truculence ferocity to even fade away. I could remember each individual scream and cry even though this was a mere ten minutes ago. This ten minutes felt like a lifetime. I wanted to join the prisoners after finally witnessing this. I didn't feel better about who I was, but worse. I couldn't feel their pain or anxiety they had to have face. Could you even confront it? 

I sat there for awhile before I went to my barracks. I grabbed a toothbrush to wash away this disdainful taste of fear, poignancy, hysteria. I didn't know how to describe how I felt or what I felt besides a variety of everything. I felt conflicted with myself and at my colleagues, especially at myself. I hadn't had a clue now, no clue on why I had signed up for this. At this moment, I had wished I didn't exist or I could live the life of someone else, someone who was maybe in America or across the pond since I knew women there worked for the better good of their country, not for the cruelty. I tried to keep a straight, hardened face, still. I knew I could not show compassion or anything besides this for the fear of my life as well. I had heard of those supporting the prisoners and that those were considered an enemy as well. I could only imagine the comfort that the families that stayed together would give. Surely, it must have been something in these times. 

I wondered where we drew the line, if there was any line. Was there a boundary anywhere? I never heard of any rules on what is accepted and what is NOT. I figured, would there be any consequences if someone was to say no and not do this? Surely there was but what was the reward if you did? I would like to believe there was no reward for gunning down a child, a man, or a woman. I wondered if other men around here had felt the same. Surely, there had to have been a compassionate few that wasn't abhorrent and didn't let blind hate swell in their hearts. Maybe, the ones that do this were trying to save their own skin since that may be a possibility too. I also wondered if a man was trying to save himself by doing what he is told, then why did he volunteer in the first place? I, for one, was kept in the dark about this whole thing as a nurse and as a lady, but for a man? I did not know... I had more questions that needed to be answered but I couldn't just ask.

After brushing my teeth, I heard a familiar voice over the rotary. It was Ingrid, laughing over the phone. I hardened my heart even more since I was no mood to hear her. 

"Oh, Lyra?" She said which had captured my interest. I stooped at the corner where I couldn't see her. I wondered who she could have been talking to about me if she was having fun over the phone. The way she spoke was rather girly, almost like she was being coy, like a coy lady who would be, "Oh no! I'd never!," while she was showing cleavage and in something provocative. It wouldn't surprise me, knowing her. "I guess she's doing well. I don't know, Nikolas. I just feel like she doesn't like me. I don't know why." I heard her catty giggle. "Oh." She said, changing her tone almost immediately. "I mean, okay.... No, nothing is wrong." It got quiet, my heart sort of fell into my stomach again since I could only imagine what it was about but I was hoping it was the truth.