Tread Lightly (Chapter Four)

Nothing but everything matters no more. I'd still find a way to stop this earth if I could.

And I was called to the Kommandant's office for something. I had only a few encounters with this man since being here, but I had heard he spoke highly of me. I walked out to his office which was literally down the plaza so it wasn't far. It was a large place for an office so I assumed that others had offices set up there too, which I was right when I had entered. It was somewhat elaborate for office for only a few people, which I assume again, were at higher positions in the camp here. There was a gigantic chandelier in the middle of the room with a nice, wooden table in the center and a rub which was red with the eagle motif and the motif of a swastika I had seen on some of the uniforms. I kept looking around to see a few faces, buried in records or looking down at their desk, paying me no attention. I kept going and saw the Kommandant at the front of the staircase, discussing things with another man who was rather small with an old, wrinkled, shriveled face that had unsettled me a bit. The Kommandant was muscular, wrinkled as well but looked his age, and seemed to be a rather pleasant man outside this establishment, but I could only tell he was probably as cold as the other people who work here. I waited to speak with my hands in each other near my waist and had waited until I was called upon to show respect. "I'm sorry for the wait, Fraulein Lyra." He said with a smooth but greasy smile. He was monotone as he spoke though.

"Shall we head to my office now, Fraulein?" He said, smiling again as the other man grinned too. I had agreed and we had walked up the staircase with a red rug drapped over the wooden staircase. As I had said before, it was rather elaborate for a place like this. We had stopped at the landing about half away to the top, the old man, trying to catch his breath since he was frail in appearance. The Kommandant grinned and I hadn't helped since I wasn't aware if I could, nor did I earn his respect that way. When we had gotten to the office, the man in charge was nice enough to pull up a chair before his desk, at which I did sit down at his request. The old man sat towards me with his chair next to his desk. "May I ask why I'm here, sir?" I asked the Kommandant. He pushed out some papers out of a file and had said my name, my current occupation, my work ethics from others, and that I haven't volunteered. "Volunteered...?" I questioned. "No one had told me I was to volunteer." I said as I had became a bit heated from being nervous. The room had a sudden downcast of gray from what I was going to hear. I hadn't assumed it yet. "Well, each nurse is to volunteer. As well as the doctors. Which, is the reason why you haven't seen Balthide, your grandmother, or Henni as much." He explained, using gestures as well. "See, you are also here to work, my madchen. I know you probably were expected more in the infirmary, but you realize that the infirmary is used for those here? Who are working here? Not for those prisoners, my madchen. See," he sighed, "it is that we are short of nurses to assist the other doctors that I'm sure you know about." And he was right, I began to suspect there was others after seeing a man come in, his coat speckled with blood, walking somewhere. I assumed that this was finally to start helping in surgeries since, how else could the man be bloodied? 

"Well, there is the hospital in the camp itself." he went on, "that is where you are wanted to help. The prisoners... some of them have something wrong with them. Some of them are very ill and need your help, my madchen." He said, shaking his head as if I didn't understand. He went on, explaining the whole thing, and then it was the old man he finally introduced to after a moment. "This is Doctor Kleinig." He said, getting up and standing beside the old man. The old man, smiling in honor as if he was being presented a trophy for his work. "He a doctor, as you can see. He is a graduate of the Institute of Hereditary Biology and Racial Hygiene. You, my madchen, are expected to assist him since as I've explained before, we are short of assistants who are properly trained to do these things. I do hope you understand. I understand if you are weary since you claim you didn't expect this and expected to help soldiers or the men here. But, you will be given an incentive if you complete the process. It is only two weeks." He went back behind desk, taking a pen and a paper, marking down something. My heart beat slowly when he did. "Now, Fraulein Lyra, was it?" Doctor Kleinig asked, "I would very much appreciate your help. I will also personally reward you for helping as well." The two discussed this to me for about another ten minutes or so before more or less forcing me to help. I was reluctant and I had a feeling they both knew. 

"When am I to start?" I asked. "In a few days." Kommandant had answered quickly. We sat there, in a very awkward, dismal silence. "You are excused." He spoke silently, breaking this quiet. I had said thank you and good bye. I shook their hands, giving a razor blade smile as they had wished me a good day. I was to meet back with them when I am called again. I went to the hospital room after grabbing a mug of coffee. It was quiet again, no noise had came in or left the room. The silence would still but I felt this ringing in my ears. I made no fuss of it. I had continued to read where I left off on my medical journal with the topic of mental disorders. I hadn't much seen any cases of that besides the boy who was a bit slower than most. He had a delay in response and a bit of a stutter and a slur in his speech the more I recall. I wondered where he had went before I had left for university.  He was a rather sweet boy to me, despite him yanking my braids when I was little or the time he had lifted my skirt. I had began to feel regretful when I remember asking what's wrong with you. I didn't realize that at the time and don't know why the thought had suddenly came over me. But it was no use to dwell upon things. I was suddenly interrupted by a knock on the door that was half open. It was Ingrid and I still haven't wanted to see her. 

"Hello..." She said, welcoming herself inside as I sat the desk. She had a cup of coffee and she had sat her self on the bed. "How are you? I felt we got off at a wrong start." She informed me. She wasn't lying, we kind of did but I didn't much care for her. "I'm well." I said, putting a confrontation voice aside. "So." She muttered, I could tell she wasn't feeling so welcomed by me at this point. "So." I said, bitterly. "Are you busy or anything?" She asked me. "Not really. Why?" I asked, kind of curious at this point. "I figured maybe we could talk over lunch. I'd like to befriend you. We're to be working next to each other, right? I don't know. I feel we can be good friends. I saw the other girl around Sofie, she doesn't seem nice. The other ladies are kind of old." She giggled. I smiled. At this moment, I actually wanted to stand up for Sofie. "She's a hard worker." I had said which was true. I didn't say much while she kept going on. She went on about herself which I didn't really care about since her life story was so bland. She was a typical girl, went to a typical elementary, to a typical junior high, to a typical high school. She was born from a family who was probably too close for their own good. It wasn't family time for us unless we had argued for at least twenty minutes. Our family dinners had always had some heated debate but that brought us close. We never ate in silence and had the radio on which was mostly some soft song playing in the background as we spoke and eat. I didn't much care for her. I really didn't. I don't like the word hate since that never ends well but I didn't wish death upon her either since I knew that could come back at me.

"I guess that might work." I finally said, analyzing her in my head. I was still baffled at her and I assumed she was stupid since she didn't get the hint I didn't like her. I did feel childish for not giving her a chance but I figured she should have some sort of respect for a stranger, smiling and holding hands. She knew that there was a possibility that the man was a romantic interest. I began to wonder if I wasn't making a quick enough move for Nikolas. I wasn't sure what kind of ladies he adored or lusted, loved after but it was still no right. I dazed out of the conversation that she kept going on about and daydreamed into space, not keeping eye contact with her. She snapped, snapped twice, and snapped again to get my attention. "Hey..." She said, "Is this a bad time?" She said, getting up, adjusting her uniform. "No." I muttered as I came back to reality. "Okay, so lunch it is, right?" I said right without even thinking about it. She had gotten up and we didn't speak a word to each other and I was fine with that. I didn't think we should talk to each other. I fell back into a daydream while I had my journal in front of my face. With what I thought earlier, did Nikolas prefer a certain type of girl? Maybe I was a different type. I did think of myself as a bit quiet, reserved, always lost in thought compared to the girls I've known. I wasn't much for trouble and probably wouldn't be. I often kept things to myself growing up. I never had gotten into dating so I assumed Nikolas had a few ladies here and there. I knew I wasn't the first and I kind of disliked that.

He's new to me, unexplored like an island that I want to get lost in Robinson Crusoe, discover a land of things untouched by a man, or in this case, a woman. He was beautiful to me, like mountains rising into the sky. Something had drawn me to him. Maybe I was crazy, a fool for thinking so since it was too early to predict. I sighed but I continued to go on. I just feel, you can't wipe someones tears and fall asleep with someone, and have it mean nothing. Maybe in some future time era, maybe. I did feel I'd make a good romance option from watching my mother's, grandmother's ways, my sisters, and I was apart the League when I was twelve and stopped going when I was fifteen. We had learned things from campfire romanticism to homemaking, both of which was rather boring to me. I wondered what had really defined a housewife. I didn't see why I was to be expected to have four children, stay home and never have a job. But, that was the way things were meant to be here. I knew if I didn't have to worry yet since I was unmarried. It seemed Ingrid was unmarried as well which is somewhat rare at her age. I wondered if she knew how old I was. Would she feel a bit of a conflict knowing I'm a younger woman? Part of me felt threatened and I didn't know why. Ingrid wasn't ugly, but she wasn't pretty either. I couldn't judge her personality quite yet since I don't know her traits either or her that well. I slouched up out of my chair and I had looked at the mirror that was on the door. I let my hair down, finally seeing my long, dark blonde, almost brown shades of hair go past my shoulders. I looked at my slender face and all my features. I did feel a tad bit conceited at this point, I never once received an insulting remark on my looks which I don't brag about. I remembered Ingrid's looks compared to mine and still felt a bit threatened. Maybe she was able to offer something I can't. 

I do have flaws, I admit. I don't admit them to just anyone. I began to look down at my body, hands upon my hips as I breathed deeply, discontent. I do realize my flaws. Maybe I am overbearing, I thought. Maybe I was too quick to move, maybe I wasn't quick enough. Either way, he was moving quickly if Ingrid is a complete stranger to him. I do admit, jealous has always been a problem with me. There was times I couldn't let it go.  I don't wonder why my relationship problems have hit a road block with any romance interest. I am jealous, I admit. I know and I acknowledge. I'm also stubborn since I can't settle for anything less. I did feel I had a lot to offer so why should I waste my time upon a man who can't offer me anything? I felt I did deserve some security, some friendship, some trust but I only searched for it if the one I was interested in didn't have it. I am by, no means, a heart breaker or a w***e. I just simply couldn't put up with unneeded troubles in my life. I wasn't indecisive, I just had to have my love, my way. Isn't that what all women dream of? Having a perfect lover, a perfect life? I knew in this time, I could be wrong since things were changing.  I couldn't settle for less, no matter how hard I've tried. I am stubborn and I realize that as each day goes by. Maybe that was my fatal flaw. I either moved too quickly, assumed quickly, or I didn't move quick enough. Either way, I was still frustrated at this situation and had no clue how to change it. I never saw the point of fighting over a man since it would never worked out that way. I couldn't see how a woman could waste her precious time, engaging in sexual acts, unmoral ways, being a complete opposite of the woman people would expect her to be. Ingird, I had no clue on what kind of woman she was. Maybe she was a better woman than me, I didn't know. I knew what kind of woman that was. I'm soft on the inside and rough around the edges. I didn't put up for much and would often slip away, creating no big deal in the process. I do feel wise beyond my years in my thinking as I contemplate in front of this mirror. Maybe I'm thinking too much of myself. I didn't usually ask to know how others had thought of me. 

It was a bit late by the time I had went to lunch with Ingrid. I wasn't too happy about this stupid ordeal at all since I've made it clear to her I'm not her fan. She sat down across from me and I went ahead, digging into my plate. It was a schnitzel with a white mushroom cream sauce with potatoes which was the same as any other day. Ingrid, sipping on her cup of tea, watched me as I dug in without saying a word. I didn't care. "So..." She finally spoke after her minute long sip. "So." I said back, pushing a piece of meat on tongue, almost rudely. "Is there anything we should discuss?" She asked like I hurt her feelings, she eyed around the room. "I'm okay with whatever." I said, doing the same now. She huffed, looking for something to ask. "What got you into nursing?" I asked, cutting in before she could speak, just to make conversation since it was awkward to just sit there for two ladies who probably wouldn't be friends. "Well, I've been studying nursing for almost eleven years. I went to university, I started getting into it during grammar school. I find the history interesting and I love to help those in need. I think a nurse is not only a doctor, but a friend too." She answered, diligent in her demeanor. I said, "Me too." I said. "How long have you been here?" She asked. "Hm... awhile now. Around a week or two. You?" "I came from another camp actually. If I can recall, I think the same one as Nikolas went to. So, at this camp, around a few days. At the last one? About a month or so." She said. "Why the change?" 

"I was told to by the Kommandant there. You do what you must." She said. "How long have you and Nikolas been friends for? He's a very charming man, as well as he is handsome..." She started to hint around. I put up my guard again, feeling a slight shaking as my heart hardened. "For awhile now." I told her. "It was him who first showed me around here. He is charming, yes, and he is rather handsome." "Do you know if he's single?" She finally asked. "I think surely he has someone's attention, right?" She went on, both hands firmly pressed upon the table when I finally muttered, "He is single." I felt a heavy burden anchor on my shoulders with my stomach feeling upset now, my chest felt heavy as well and my heart was sure to pound out of my chest. I never, in my whole life, felt the need to be so cruel to her. I guess it wasn't my right to say who Nikolas can and can't see. I was still at a conflict with him which was horrible in itself since he believes I'm okay with him. I felt the need to get up from the table and take a deep breath outside, but I didn't do so. I stayed there, swishing my flank of schnitzel with my fork in the thick, white sauce as she opened her mouth again, and again. It didn't seemed she'd stopped for gasp of air each time she'd speak and she would speak for long intervals before calming down. Saying that Nikolas was single had been the last thing I've said the whole duration of the meal. I felt uneasy again as a knot twisted in my stomach and into my bowels. 

When I went back to my room to finish my duty, I sat the desk with nothing. I didn't bury my face into my journals. There was an image stuck in my head that was burned into the back of my mind that was also before my eyes. I sat there, slouching on the seat and hadn't moved in a quite sometime. I was mad at Nikolas for no real reason. I started to grit my teeth in disappointment that I tried to aim towards myself. I always believed if something did not go my way, chances were, I'd deserve it. I almost never fought fate like that since I knew I was bound to lose like I'm losing now. Fate had the tendency to drag me out into uncharted territories as I swam to shore which was my ultimate goal. I liked to believe that being dragged back this time was just the waves pulling me away from this desolate sandbar I wanted to reach. I did feel Ingird as that wave, a force that would push me back as I swam in the midst of a murky sea.