I Promise (Chapter Two)

I know you know but you know I'm beginning to know.

I had the loaves of bread with a few slabs of meat in a basket. I was on my way to see Nikolas and his comrades in Tower A. Snow crunched beneath my feet and there was a sudden chill the closer I got to the gate. I walked quickly since it was colder than ever this December evening. I had on my coat and my gloves and marched my way.

The gate was set in a gatehouse that was about three stories. I hadn't walked in here once yet so I was a bit curious on how I got in. I didn't want to be confused as a prisoner, though I was curious. I still approached with caution since I didn't know the proper procedure. Another man was standing on the outside of the gate. I walked over, calmly, but still was cautious. He stared down at me hard with chilling, icy eyes. He had no hair on his head with a very sharp nose. I was nervous now. I still approached. "Halt." He demanded as he had stood perfectly straight, throwing the Nazi salute. "What do you need, fraulein?" He said with a deep, monotone voice. "I was to deliver this to Nikolas.... he's one of you." I said, stuttering over a few words. "What for?" He said. "The men that work here need to eat, too." I said, still stuttering. "I see... Do you know what tower?" He asked me. I told him Tower A. "Let me lead you there." He had unlocked the gate and led me through. The gate was cold to the touch with the words, "Abreit Macht Frei", crafted on the top. It was lightly snowing with a chilly wind. 

When I had entered, I heard the gate clamor to a close behind me. I finally knew what conditions were finally here. The man told me to keep moving and to mind myself which I said yes to. He wasn't kind but cold. It was almost as if this place had hardened his heart and soul. The tower was on the other edge of the perimeter. I kept walking, passing by a few barracks which were made of crude wood that was beginning to rot. There was people corralling out of the barracks and down the incredibly wide alleyway. I looked towards their direction, but the man who lead me across the field had quickly snapped for me to look away. I didn't know why since I wasn't a prisoner but I guess I understood. We finally got to the Tower after walking scarily close to the electric fence of barbed wire. "Thank you, sir." I said, my head down. He said nothing and he quickly left as we quick as we came. I saw him head towards the gate, trudging through the cold snow. The bottom of my dress was now half frozen and wet. 

"Nikolas?" I hollered. "Nikolas, are you there?"
"Who is there?" Another man had asked. I knew it wasn't him.
"Relax, it's Fraulein Lyra. She's a nurse." Nikolas laughed. 
"Can I climb up now?" I asked since the tower was far too narrow and too small to have a staircase. 
"Yes." I heard the other man say.
I had only one problem climbing up to the next platform with the food in hand. I suppose Nikolas had knew that since he eventually took it from my hands. I finally got up to the top platform that had windows on all sides, giving me a panoramic view of the camp. "Nikolas," I said, giving a hug instead of our handshake, "and you!" I also had given the other man a hug too, to be polite. "It's so cold!" I exclaimed, shivering. Nikolas smiled at me and offered me his seat which I took. "I brought sandwich stuff, like you wanted." I said, looking up at them both, shivering to the bone. I crossed both my arms. "This jacket offers little," I said, trying to make light of it. "and my dress is all, is all, wet at the bottom." I went on. "It is cold out there. Been snowy too." The other guy said as if we didn't know. "Well, let me get you a cup of coffee." Nikolas said, moving towards the desk where there was a heating pad with a glass coffee pot on top. He handed me his mug that I held with both hands for it's warmth to rejuvenate my fingers. I sipped on it slowly so I wouldn't burn my lips. Nikolas was making idle conversation while looking out the window. "That one, that one!" The other guy laughed. "What about him?" The man started pointing and he hadn't stopped laughing. "He's just staring at us." He said, kind of cruelly. Nikolas looked over at me real quick and I hadn't a clue what was so funny. I suppose he didn't either. "He looks good for work." He said, still laughing. "When they go logging or mining, he's going to work. I noticed he hasn't been working in things yet since he isn't thin like the rest of them." He kept going. "The others, they work. They are supposed to be building the new barracks in the camp retreat." He informed. "Camp retreat?" I asked, curious about it. "What is that?" I asked. "It's way, way back there." Nikolas said, waving his hand back and forth towards the direction. "It's near the Kommandant's house which is located a mile or two away from here. The barracks we're in now is just temporary, thankfully. They're too small, too cramped." Nikolas informed. "But they're a lot nicer than those ones?" I asked, getting up to refer to the ones that seem to be crudely made. "Oh, yes." Nikolas said. "They bundled a few hundred in each one. They have bunks, not beds. It's all wood too. All of em are like bunk beds but have an extra bunk so there's three, not two like ours is. No bedding either." He informs. "Yeah, they just get hay like what horses and cows eat for food." I didn't say anything since I knew I wasn't to show any sympathy.

"Is it just barracks then?" I asked. "No." They both said at once. "Well..." Nikolas started, looking down at the ground and tucking in his lower lip, "there is other things." I asked after a brief moment of silence. "Such as?" There was another moment of silence. "There is -" the man tried to say but was interrupted by Nikolas. He had put up his head for him to already cease. I looked at him, now nervous but anxious on what he was to say. "There is many things... that honestly, I don't want you to see." He said. "There is a few barracks that certain Doctors are allowed in, but not doctors like Dr. Metzger or Balthide. There is three crematorias and two gas chambers. The smoke stacks explains the crematorias. There is more... but I would rather not tell you." He said, taking off his cap and holding it by his waist while he explained to me. I knew he did that to show he was being honest. The other man was also silent. "Oh.." I said, "I knew that." I lied since honestly, I knew there was camps, but some of us were kept in the dark about what really went on. I suppose I know why now. "Nikolas," I said, "will I see you at dinner?" I said, watching the sun finally set. I had gotten up and placed Nikolas' mug near the pot. "I'll be off." I said, giving him a hug. He hugged me back which lasted longer than our one yesterday. I let go and shook the other man's hand. "I'll see you at dinner." I said. "Sounds like a plan. Be careful climbing down... please." He said, as if he was nervous. I was careful when I climbed back down. 

I reached the gate after about ten minutes of tracking through the snow. The wind was howling so my jacket had offer little relief. My dress was a bit wet from the melted snow and stiff from it being frozen. The moonlight had a more eerie hue to it as it shined against the snow. I opened the gate and the man was still there. I could tell he was dedicated from how still he was. His eyes were even colder now. He stared at me and I could feel him track me with his eyes as I left to go back to the infirmary. When I had gotten back to my room, I saw Dr. Metzger there.

"Where have you been?!" She screeched.
"I took a break. I thought maybe one of the towers would like something to eat." I answered.
"I didn't say you could." She went on. "I am, more or less, your boss."
"I didn't know that."
"Well, now you do." She went on. She looked back at her files, ignoring me again. "The insolence of yours! Ooh! I can already tell how you are." 
"Dr. Metzger... it was just one time. I was helping out since we didn't have any patients here."
"That is no excuse."
I didn't say anything else. She flicked on the radio which was better than hearing her huff and puff. I got out an old medical book to review, just in case. I was a bit angered by how rude she was. I got the fact I should have maybe told her but she was gone also without saying a word. I figured, if she could, I could. But, whatever. I wasn't in the mood to deal with her bitter, shrewd ways. 

I eventually fell asleep about an hour into reading the journal. I looked up to see it was around eight thirty. I got up quickly and slipped on my loafers. I was also a bit surprised from the fact, I saw Nikolas sitting in the chair where Dr. Metzger sat. I suppose he didn't notice I was up yet until I had said something. "Nikolas..." I said. "You're finally awake!" He said, excitedly. "I thought you hadn't wanted to see me. So, I came by." He informed me. "I thought I said something." He said, getting up to close the door. "No, you didn't," I said, looking over towards his direction, "where is Dr. Metzger?" I asked him. "She's probably in the dining hall." He locked the door.

"Look..." He said, "I need to tell you something."
My heart started pounding. "What is it?" I finally said, mustering the courage to say.
"I know that you aren't comfortable here." He said, whispering.
"Why are you whispering?" I pointed out.
"Cause.. I know you're not." He said, sitting down on the bed beside me.
"Well... you're right."
"I know. I see it." He said, looking down on my hand that's on my waist. "How?" I asked.
"The look in your eyes, the way your lips were in the watchtower earlier, the way your posture is sometimes. I also knew from how I had beat down that man for rolling his eyes. You bawled up your fist. Your eyes started to tear up." He described.

I placed both my hands on my face, putting pressure around my eyes with my palms. I sniffled a bit too which gave away that I was going to cry in a moment. "It's okay..." He said, placing a hand on my shoulder. "You're not going to tell on me...? I know I'm not supposed to show sympathy..." I groaned. "Please... please, please, please.." He squeezed my shoulder as I tried to hold back my tears. My heart had dropped into the pit of my burning stomach. My heart was on fire and my stomach had felt like an ocean, wavy and unstable. "Hey, hey... I'm not going to tell anyone." He said, "I promise. You have nothing to worry about, my liebling." He let go my shoulder. "I promise... I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I know you feel things aren't going well so far, but they'll get better and you'd get used to this kind of behavior after awhile." He placed his hand over mine. "Come on.. wipe your eyes. You don't have to cry." At this moment, he seemed to be at a loss of words, but he continued to repeat himself. "I'm sorry." I whimpered. "I try not to show it." I said, swallowing my words. "I try..." "I can tell."

He took my hand over his. "Come on," He said again, "get up." I did get up, but I went over to the desk to grab a tissue to wipe my nose and another to wipe my eyes. He stood there, looking at me softly. His eyes were gentle and merciful. I looked up at the ceiling with my head tilted so far that I was straining my neck. He came over and had given me a hug. "No need to cry, Fraulein." He said, letting me go. "I promise. Cross my heart and hope to die." I believed him at this moment. "I just feel... out of place. I want to help everyone but ugh - do you know how it feels when you say you want to help everyone but you forcefully have to exclude people? Some, I can understand like a criminal. But, the sick? The mentally disabled? The ones with psychical deformities?" He looked me again, merciful with his flocculant, blue eyes. "I know. I get that. You're just soft hearted unlike most around here. You know sympathy, you know what you're comfortable with. I bet you came here thinking you were helping people get better." He said, looking down at me as he stood some distance away. "I wish that was the case for you. But, you just have to put on a brave face." "I know. I got that already."

We stood there in an awkward, inept silence. "Well..." He finally said, speaking up. "Just know, that I do know. And, also know that I do intend to befriend you more." He took my arm into his and had took me to the dining hall. I was silent the whole time. When he had opened the door, he quickly came in behind me. "Brr," He laughed a bit. "it's going to be cold tonight." I smiled as he led me to a table. "I'll go get your plate." He offered. I wasn't mentally all there but I said okay. I did get up to get drinks which was tea and coffee again. He came back with our meal which looked like any other meal on any given day. There is nothing special about it. I did realize that, maybe, just maybe, that the kitchen and this hall may be the only place that the prisoners are in a cleaner place. 

When I had walked by, it just reeked an ominous stench of peril, depression, oppression, and more. I couldn't fathom the lives that are cradled inside the barbed wire fence. The moment you had walked past the iron gate, it was difficult to take it all in. The feelings was overwhelming and my mood had changed for the worse. I didn't understand how Nikolas could stay cooped in a place like the Tower for hours on end. I was grateful I didn't have to. It made me appreciate Dr. Metzger's quiet company a bit more. 

I was walking back to our barracks alone after our somewhat quiet meal. It was late, though the others stayed behind. I was exhausted at this point and wasn't exactly in the mood for company. I had walked into my room and left the door open. I laid on my bed on my back. I had a pillow clutched to my stomach. I was lucky enough to have my own room but it was nothing more than a bed and dresser. I suppose that was okay with me. I didn't expect a lot coming here and didn't want much. I knew other ladies and nurses were to share a room. I was grateful to even have one. There was a window that had the black curtains. We were required to have these during blackout times but I had always kept my curtains on. I never moved them or had any of it up. I would rather be safe than sorry.

I heard a knock at the door and saw Nikolas standing in the doorway. "What are you doing here?" I asked, getting up almost immediately. I didn't want to sound too bothered by his visit but I was extremely tired. He had shut the door and I looked up at him as he began to speak. "I just needed to make sure about something." He said, "I wanted to make sure you were really okay." I said to him I was fine which he didn't believe. He placed both hands on my shoulders, "Don't lie to me," he said, "please." He turned around and sat down on my bed. "I just want to make sure you are okay. You've been a good friend to me so I feel I could at least do something." I smiled a bit, "But you've been absolutely wonderful, too, you know. You're actually... kind.. kind to me." I stuttered, feeling a swirl of emotions again. "As have you, fraulein." He moved over a bit to let me sit down. "I just feel stupid..." He sighed. I didn't say anything but I looked around the room, at the floor, and at his feet. "I feel like I shouldn't have made you come to the tower. I feel guilty almost. I saw the look on your face and heard it in your voice. I did... It made me feel a bit bad. I know you tried to hide it from that dumb b*****d with me." He said, placing a hand over mine. "I just wanted you to know I am sorry." He said, tightening his grip but I don't think he realized he was. I didn't want to say anything to stop him from doing so... "It's fine. I was going to learn either way." "I know... but still. I feel a lady shouldn't see that." He went on. "No one should see that." I explained. "I don't want to talk about it..." 

He kept his head down and sniffled a bit to clear his stuffy nose. He still had his hand over mine which I honestly thought he didn't know or realize. I assume it was an unconscious impulse. It was quiet in this now dismal room. I forgave him, I did but I didn't think he'd realize that until further down the road. I honestly enjoyed the moment, the first time, we were truly alone. As far as I knew, no one else was in this building but us. For this moment, I didn't want him to leave. As quick as I thought that, he had gotten up and I saw him smile at me. "You're leaving...?" I asked, patiently. "No... I just can't express how sorry I am." 
"It's okay... it really is."
"Do you promise?" He asked, almost pathetically but in a way that made my heart melt.
He looked in my direction as I told him I promised. His face was solemn with guilt and solemn with regret. "I promise." I reminded him with a compassionate demeanor.