I Understand (Chapter One)

Maybe I'm head over heels already, but in a time like this... can you blame me?

I was escorted to the hospital by Marcel, not Nikolas, on my first day. I had no problem with this since I figured it was good to see a new face. Nikolas was so kind, so sweet yesterday but I wanted to give him space after waiting on me hand and foot. He had led me to the entrance before telling me he must be off to his post. I had bid a farewell for now. He quickly passed off towards his own direction with a rifle slung over his back. Marcel was nice, about possibly thirty from what he had told me. This was no problem with me, I already knew I'd be one of the youngest here so it'd be normal for me to have friends who are older. 

I had opened the entrance where my grandmother had waited for me. She was dressed in a blue gown that had thin white stripes that ran from top to bottom. With this dress, she had also a white apron with a white nurse cap that covered her old, gray hair that was still wildly. She had ran to me, taking my hands into hers and bidding me a guten morgen. "How had you sleep?" She asked me. "I'm well. I didn't realize how early we're to wake up." I said, half jokingly. "Something you'll get used to, dear." She had told me, offering me coffee which I politely declined. She had led me upstairs to my new hospital room. I had noticed no visible changes and no one was in there. I had opened the drapes for a bit of the cold sunlight to lighten the place up from it's sad state. On my writing desk, there was my uniform.

I had walked over, taking the short cap to compliment my ponytail. I had taken the rest of my new uniform to the ladies room to have privacy to change. I walked down the hall with a smile on my face. I was excited for what new day awaited me and that I finally had my studies pay off. It could have been at a worse place, but it could have been no work at all. I had moved quickly past the other staff and swung the ladies room door open. I marched to the closest stall and stripped down. I took off my wool sweater and my woven cotton skirt that I had adored for the longest time. I slipped on the dress, the same one that every other lady had to wear. I had took off my flat shoes that were black to slip on a pair of leather loafers that were snug, but comfortable. I had hurried to leave before others came in and saw me all indecent. I did feel somewhat uncomfortable with this dress. It was difficult to walk in from how long it was. It almost seemed like I had to kick instead of a normal walk. I didn't dare to do that. I was determined to prove my worth. The waistline was a bit snug but I was told the dress does run small. Last time I weighed myself, I was only 125 pounds so I was not overweight for my height and age according to others. 

Walking out of the ladies' room, I had accidentally crashed into Sofie with a big bang. Both of our heads had collided and smacked against each other. I was in a daze for a second before turning my head to actually see who it was. I had quickly apologized but to no avail since Sofie did not like the "I'm sorry," I told her. She had huffed as if she was to create a big scene. She was a bit taller and older than me. Something about Sofie didn't settle well with me. She had pale skin with very, almost white blonde hair and green eyes. Despite the exquisiteness of her eye color, I seen nothing in them. It seemed she didn't have a passion for anything and certainly didn't have a passion for medicine. I had a passion for few things which, in particular was literature and visual arts. I was never truly gifted in maths but something twitched inside me about medicine and health. I didn't know if it was my desire to help others in big or little ways, or if it was just a phase. Sofie, it seemed, didn't care to be helping out the way I did since I am excited on what I will experience. I was determined to let this go since it didn't matter for the moment. I went back to my room.

My grandmother was there still, sitting down on the hospital bed. She had gotten up, doing that "aw," that people do as if I did something cute. She had helped me tie my apron and helped me adjust my sleeves to the proper length. "Now, I need to tell you." She said, "I'm not going to be the doctor of this room. Henni Metzger is the doctor assigned to this room. She is a very... well calloused lady. I just want you to be well liked here is all, my darling." She says, anxiously. "I'll just be down the hall." She went on. It was at that sudden moment when Dr. Metzger had walked in without knocking. She looked past us both by the bed and thrown her files upon the writing desk. I didn't say anything but I did look hard at here. I was hopeful that Dr. Metzger and I were to be getting along well. I was also hopeful that she would teach me a lot of new things. My grandmother smiled and Doctor Metzher deliberately apologized as if she was above us. I could look past this. "Hello, ladies. Is this my nurse?" Coldly.

"Yes!" My grandmother said, "This is Lyra." I curtsied. 
"A pleasure to meet you." Deliberate, again.
I interrupted. "I look forward to working together." 
She glared at me suddenly but subtly. 
"I look forward to it as well." 
"Now..." my grandmother had interrupted, "I will leave you two be." Seeing how awkward things were.
I didn't want her to leave. Something about Dr. Metzger set me off, unsettled me. I was certain that she probably would tolerate me. I was concerned but I put on a brave face. I sat back down on the bed while she turned away to her files. I didn't want to interrupt her, so I sat there for a long time. She had on the same uniform but with a long cap that hid her hair, but you could see strands of brown coming out. She had a thin, bony posture with broad facial features to match. She was tall and slender with the dress also snug. 

I waited hours before she had turned around. From how long she worked, I could tell she was dedicated. I couldn't sit down for at least three hours, hunched over like she was. My mind would strain after a good hour or so. I tried to spy what she was reading but she had turned away a bit before glaring. I backed off for that moment since it's clear she wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone. She had gotten up and left the room without giving me the slightest indication why. I looked down on the ground, a bit hurt before looking at the clock to see it was time for lunch. I suppose she thought that I already knew this. I do, however, suppose she's always like this from what I gather.

I also left the room and headed towards the main entrance. My grandmother had moved quick to talk to me. 
"How was it?" She ask, excited to hear.
"It was... quiet." I said, solemnly.
"Oh... why?" She insisted. "What happened?"
"She didn't talk to me or even look at me. Or anything. It was like I wasn't in the room." 
"Just give her time. I had the same problem with her for awhile to."
Another lady had cut in, "We all do. She's not used to this environment."
I replied with, "Neither am I but still..."
"Guten tag, ladies. Balthide," the man said, "and Lyra." I turned around to see it was Nikolas who was off duty for the moment. He didn't have on his olive green uniform, but a gray coat and his uniform underneath. He had shook my grandmother's hand before shaking mine. 
"How are you, my dear?" Grandmother exclaimed.
"I'm well," He answered. "I thought I would see how you are settling in, Fraulein Lyra?" 
"Going quite well so far. I haven't had a problem," I lied. "Are you off duty now?"
"For the moment. Did Marcel give you a rough time?" He joked. "He isn't exactly the easiest person to get along with. Stubborn kid."
"He was just fine." I didn't lie because he was kind, as the rest of the men who I worked with.
"That's good," He sighed. "I'm sorry I didn't escort you as I promised yesterday. I forget I was to be on duty earlier than normal." 
"That's okay."
He smiled and said nothing. I forget my grandmother was still beside us.
"How are the others?" She asked. "Would they like something to eat?" Placing both hands on his shoulders.
"I think they would, but I know a few will be getting relieved in a moment." He informed. "If you want to, I think they'd appreciate that." 
"I'll bring them something!" She smiled boldly and happily. My grandmother had always loved to help out 
We were standing by the door in the hospital and said nothing. He had looked at him as he looked around. Immediately looking away when Nikolas would notice. I finally broke the silence. "Do you want to escort me to the gathering hall?" I asked, charmingly. He nodded, taking my arm and hooking it into his. "It'd be an honor," He went on. "right this way."
We headed to the hall and sat down at a table meant for two. I saw my grandmother again with two other ladies. She had three loaves of pumpernickel and rye. The other ladies had an assortment of meats. She smiled as she headed off, I saw my Doctor across the room with another elderly lady who was probably around her age. I sat down to enjoy Nikolas' company. "Are we to be served or do we...?" I asked, finally. "Just grab a plate from that table over there and then head over there to be served." He answered. "Do you want anything?" I asked. "Come on, let me get something. You helped me a lot yesterday." He sighed. "If I can come with you..." He suggested.

We got up and got our food which was served by, who I assume, were prisoners. This was the first time I had actually seen who they were. There was two men, both of whom had striped prisoner rags that were white and an a soft blue. On their jackets and sweater, the two men I had saw had different colored triangles. I noticed Nikolas posture had changed from soft to a more stern. He stood up perfectly straight with an emotionless face. The two men were probably in their mid twenties but both looked old. They had very bony hands and hunched over. Their lips were dry and they had heavy bags beneath their eyes. I said nothing but I did notice.

We got our food and had set back down at our table. The hall was getting full now so I was glad that we came when we did. I told Nikolas to go sit down so I could get his drink which I insisted to since he carried my plate for me. "What do you want? Coffee?" I asked. I knew he might have another long post again. He nodded and said danke. I got our drinks and we had finally sat down to eat. Part of me had been very happy about this but another part of me was anxious. I just had a load of questions to ask him. "How is your day going?" He asked me, taking a bit of his potato with sauerkraut. "It's moving along." I lied but gave it away with how hushed I answered. I looked over to see my doctor over across the room. Her hair down and enjoying company from others. "What happened?" He asked, peculiarly. "Well," I huffed, "I don't think she really likes me or anything." I said. "Who? Dr. Metzger?" He asked again. "Yes. She didn't even notice I was in the same room. She didn't tell me what she was doing, what we're to do, or anything." I sighed again. "I was upset a little bit. I wanted us to get along but I don't think she really considered working with me." I stumbled over words from how fast I was talking. "I'm worried she won't like me and I just want to make a good impression." He smiled briefly, "I'm sure it'll be okay. Just give it time. Just relax. It's your first day here. You can't expect her to like you already. You're a nice girl and I like you." He laughed. "I know... I just want to make a good impression so far." "And you have."

"No I didn't," I said.
"With me, you did." 
"I already ran into Sofie. Head on." 
"What?" He asked.
"I literally ran into her." I sighed again. "She was mad."
"Sofie..." He leaned in, making sure he was in the clear. "Sofie... is cold-hearted. Backer has a few problems with her. She always has an attitude."
"Oh believe me, I already know." 
He quietly laughed through his smile, He took another few bites, eating kind of quick. "Slow down! It's not going anywhere." I joked.
"What?" He said, mouth stuffed. "I'm hungry." 
At any other time, I would have been appalled by the bad manners he had at the moment. I pushed that aside to laugh. I slowly picked at my food.
"Are you not hungry?" He asked. I sipped on tea before answering.
"I am," I said, "I just have a question..."
"What is it?" He asked curiously. He raised his eyebrows and took a napkin to his lips.
I leaned in, trying to keep it to a hushed whisper. "Who were those people in the back?"
"Excuse me?" He said, "I couldn't hear you."
I moved over to be behind him, whispering in his ear. "Who were those people in the back?"
He inhaled deeply through his nose. "It's okay. Those are the prisoners."
"Why are they so thin?" I asked, I did feel like I knew the answer.
"Because they work off what they eat." He moved his eyes in a different direction. 
I said okay and left it at that. 
"When are you to get back to your post?"
"In about an hour. You want me to leave already?" He joked.
"No!" I laughed back.
"Well.... I got plenty of time to talk, if you'd want to just sit here." He offered.
"I think I might enjoy that." I giggled. 

He excused himself and he took my plate for it to be washed. I got up to go get another cup of tea with sugar and refilled his cup of coffee. Plain black roast is how he took it I assumed. I couldn't drink coffee without any sugar. To me, it was distasteful and I call myself a true German I joked to myself. I saw Sofie, still talking to another man who wore the same coat as Nikolas. Her laugh could be heard across the whole room. It was clear she was flirting with him from how she twisted her hair between two fingers and giggled, always smiling. She glared at me and curled her nostrils in disgust as if I punched her when I ran into her. 

Nikolas came back and I saw we still had a good twenty five minutes before he had to leave. I was to also leave then as well. He sat back down, and sighed from being tired. I could tell he was. "I got you another coffee," I informed him, "I wasn't sure how you take your coffee. So, it's just black." I said. "That's fine with me. I thank you, fraulein." He says, humorously. "I take you have many friends here." I giggled, noticing Marcel coming our way. He shakes Nikolas' hand and then mine. "Guten tag, Fraulein Lyra! Nikolas!" I welcomed him with a smile and Nikolas rolled his eyes without Marcel noticing. Marcel welcomed himself and pulled up a chair. He placed his cup of coffee on the table and grunted in bliss. "So, what we talking about?" He asked. I sat their quietly, kind of disheartened that our personal talk between Nikolas and I ended abruptly. Nikolas placed his head on his hand, "Just making conversation." He respired. "Just a friendly, one on one, casual talk." He said with such a monotone voice. I didn't say anything until Marcel asked me a question. "What's his problem?" He chuckled, nudging me in the arm with his elbow. "I don't know..." I deliberately said, trying not to be rude. "Well, Niko, I was letting you know. The Kommandant wants to see you shortly after your break but before you get to your post." He got up, offended after seeing what was going on. He didn't say a goodbye or anything but neither did we. I took another look at Nikolas, who at this moment, was clearly a bit miffed and clearly enervated. I looked down at his hands and then his blue eyes. "Are you okay?" I asked, softly. "I just... I just - just -," he exhaled, "I hate him sometimes." He strained his neck and took an angry inhale through his nose. "He can be very rude, boorish too. God, have you seen how sickening his eating habits are? He is kind and nice when he wants to be, but a b*****d any other time. I don't see how he is a married man. I either feel bad for his wife or she is the female version of Marcel." He exclaimed. He started shaking his head in disgust. "He's rude. He never says excuse me, he never washes his hands, and rarely takes a bath.  He thinks a cologne can cover instead. Do you know how much that man reeks like complete, utter s**t? It's appalling that a man in uniform can get away with that. It's appalling. It's like disgracing the Fuhrer." He caught his breath, I interrupted before he went back again. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything." I felt a knot in my stomach from how bad I felt. I had no intention on angering him just from asking if he was fine. He pulled out a small tobacco case made of leather with a swastika sown on. He then took out a small roll of cigarette paper and a box of matches. He rolled the tobacco in the paper tighly, crumpling one of the edges before lighting up. He inhaled deeply and exhaled the same way. "I'm sorry to smoke in front of you, fraulein. Do you smoke?" He asked. I told him I didn't and that it was fine. He took another gulp of his cold coffee before inhaling again.

It was quiet between us two for the moment, which was okay with me. I wanted him to calm down so he wouldn't get angry again. He put his forehead in his hands and slouched over. I did the same but with my chin on my first. He looked at me and closed his eyes tight. 

"I'm sorry, liebling." He opened his eyes. "I didn't mean to explode like that."
"It's okay. I understand." I told him.
"Do I still have the honor of escorting you back to the infirmary?" He asked, getting up.
"You still do," I smiled. "It'd be a pleasure."
I quickly gotten up and he snapped for some sort of janitor to take our cups so we didn't have to. Another prisoner who was in stripped rags with a pink triangle. Nikolas had told him the drinks go into a certain bin. I assumed that the prisoner had not been here for long since wasn't anorexic like some I've seen and still had his strength. At this moment, he did something rather unremarkable that I had the displeasure of seeing. Nikolas had snapped in front of me again but in a more outrageous manner. "Do that again," he dared. "do that again!" His voice rattled the whole room and everyone was looking at us. I put on an emotionless face in fear that I may be in trouble too. Inside me, I did feel some sort of sympathy inside. I was determined to keep quiet. The man was frightened as he shrank in fear. Nikolas had howled in anger and told him to again, "Do. It. Again." He took out his nightstick and gave him a wallop on his skull to which he went down immediately. Other Schutz men had came over once this had happened to drag him into a closet. Nikolas didn't follow them. He wiped the angry sweat off his brow and had ordered another prisoner to come sweep up the glass. He had taken my hand and helped me step over, though I didn't need that. I had picked up my dress a bit so I wouldn't sweep up any of it myself. We let go but he was ahead of me as he went out the entrance door. 

"Nikolas!" I hollered as he went past me, headed in another direction than the infirmary.
"Nikolas!" I said again. He stopped and turned to me.
"I'm sorry you had to see that." He said, letting his voice capsize.
I didn't know what to say at that moment so my lips had closed together tightly.
"I didn't want to do that in front of you. You're too frail for a place like this." He informed me. "Fraulein, will you forgive me?"
"I forgive you." I said in a hushed manner. 
"Do I still receive the honor of escorting you to the infirmary?"
"Yes, you do." I hooked his arm this time. 

He lead me back to the infirmary and all the way to my room. Dr. Metzger wasn't in the room yet and honestly, I had hoped she would take her time. I was excited to talk to Nikolas, one on one, and in private. He was the only one beside my grandmother to help me settle in and actually ask how I am doing. Despite the two days here, I felt quite comfortable around Nikolas despite what little I know. He was one of those people who immediately drew you in and couldn't let go. I knew that dating him or being with him would be far-fetched, but being his friend, to me, seemed to offer more. I was hoping that maybe when the War was over, we'd stay in contact. Part of me had already hoped that he wouldn't have to transfer or be relieved of duty permanently. I sat down on the hospital bed and sank into it. He pulled up the chair to sit beside me. From what I saw, he was still upset from his outburst in front of me. He gave me a fraudulent smile since I had given him a sincere one. "It's okay, you know." I told him, trying to be comforting. "I know." He said, staring down at my feet. "It really is... you're just doing your job." I informed him, still trying to be comforting. "I know." He said again. He sighed before saying, "I just don't want to think that is truly who I am." I looked at him distantly. "I understand."

He looked up at the clock. "I still got five minutes before I must be off." He said, "Do I get the honor of escorting you again?" He said, getting up and looking down at me with his head tilt in a gentlemanly manner. "You do." I said. "Do you maybe want me to bring you something later? Possibly a few slices of bread or coffee? Do you know what tower you'll be?" I asked him. Something in him had changed. "I'll uh, I'll be in Tower A, which is the tower right by the gate." He informed me, hesitantly. "I'll just meet you by the gate." He said, looking around like something has happened. "Oh, well, okay." I said, leaving it at that. "I'll be around... five?" "Five it is?" I had gotten up to wish him a good bye. Instead of a hand shake like last time, I decided a hug would be nice. "You better go now." I said. The room became empty again since Dr. Metzger wasn't here which would be empty still. He looked down on me. I could feel him track his eyes towards mine as I pulled away from our hug. "For the record... I am sorry. I shouldn't have had exploded like that in front of you. I don't want you to think that is who I am." 

"I understand."