Fed Up!

A girl and a situation that can only withstand so much.

The thought of seeing my mother everyday makes me sick. I despise seeing her at home and at school. Seeing her serve food to people is just too much for me to handle. This sounds ridiculous I know but only if you knew what happens behind closed doors.

 

            “Honey, make sure you get some of that fruit down at the end of the line,” my mother says in her sweetest voice. This almost makes me feel like we have one of “those” relationships, like she truly cares for my well being, but I know the truth.

 

            I whisper in my most bitchy voice, knowing I will probably regret this later. The only problem is I can’t help but take this opportunity; knowing there will be three hours left in the day before I face the heat. “Like you care about my health at all, just because you work here doesn’t mean you can speak to me.”

 

            The look on her face is priceless and I high five my inner self on a mini victory. Score one for the mentally and physically abused.

 

            While sitting in my last class of the day I try to think of what I could do to get out of going home right away. Only if I were athletic, then I could have an after school activity to keep me busy. Hmm, maybe I should consider that further. The bell rings and I am brought back to how much I will be in pain when I get home. I know it is my fault though. My wanting to win a little victory will land me with a sore a*s, plus some. Good thing I have a great sense of humor or I wouldn’t make it through the day.

 

            *sigh* “Here we go…”

 

            As I open the door to the house I step inside with caution, praying that she isn’t home yet. I could have the upper hand here. I didn’t hear a noise. I sigh in relief as I make my way to my bedroom. While making my way there I felt like someone was watching me, but I brushed it off telling myself I’m just being paranoid.

 

            Flopping on my bed and cracking open my books, as if I’m really going to study, ha! I hear something fall. I go to my mom’s room to find her on the floor. S**t! Why did I think I could be so lucky? I debate on helping her up. She looks so helpless and vulnerable that I almost enjoy this moment, but I know I have to help her. So I make my way over to the bed where she lies on the floor by the edge. After four steps I feel a ping of pain. I look down to find that my leg is bleeding. She has thrown a broken bottle my way. I know her aim was off because the usual target is my face.

 

            “Get over here you piece of trash! Help your mother up,” my mom says kind of demon-like. It really scares me. I’ve never said anything back to her until this afternoon so maybe this was the outcome; a worse version of this woman. I do as I am told only to instantly regret it. Why I am such a good daughter I still have not figured this one out.

 

            When I go to grab her hand, instead she grabs mine. Pulling me to the floor with her, she tries to wrestle and maneuver herself on top of me. This feels like so many of the other times, but also different. She is more aggressive. I can’t understand why though. Is it all because of a few words that I said? As I make my attempt at releasing myself she jabs her knee cap into my ribs. You can imagine how much this had to hurt.

 

            All of a sudden, as I am adjusting to this new pain I am gasping for air. She is choking me. I can’t believe this. She has done some horrible things to me, but try to kill me is a first. What I could have done I don’t know or understand. I wish I could see what she was thinking. What she is feeling in this moment to understand. Is this really going to be the end of my life? I see the ceiling fan going in and out of view. I know I am losing oxygen fast but I don’t know how to escape. This is bad.

 

            After a few moments I am conscious again, free of the weight of another. I look around blinking, trying to focus my vision on something familiar hoping that I’m still at home. When I do focus I see her, my mother on the bed above me crying. A tear hits my face and I realize how much she is letting loose. Does she think I am dead? What is going on? I am still so confused.

 

            “Mom,” I say kind of low so I figure maybe she can’t hear me, she is still crying loudly. “Mom, why are you crying?” she looks up distraught and very pained. I just think to myself that this woman is very disturbed and this abuse has to go beyond me. Maybe back to the marriage she once had with dad before he divorced her.

 

            “I, I didn’t kill you, oh thank god.” She actually starts to smile; then frowns again when she really stares at me. There is a look in her eye that I never noticed before, it draws my attention. Before I can place the belonging of this foreign stare she is at it again. I am starting to think she has completely lost it. This time I dodge her apt attempt at pinning me down. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be victim to this crime she commits every other day. This is insanity and I don’t deserve the treatment.

 

            I spot the broken bottle on the floor and launch myself towards it. If she is going to try and kill me then I need a weapon, a form of protection for when she goes too far like before. I don’t want to hurt her, I don’t even think I can, but I have to fight. Still on the floor my mother looks for her own weapon. I see her looking frantic. Maybe this is my chance. I cautiously move closer not wanting to alert her too much. Finding it harder to even think about what I may have to do to her.

 

             Confusingly enough, I don’t try to attack her. I put my weapon down and walk away guard still up in case she throws herself onto me. I realize this is crazy, and no way for two people to live together. I don’t care that she is my mother; I need to find a way out of this situation. For heavens sake I don’t even know why she treats me this way. It is disturbing and frustrating. I am going to lose my mind if I don’t leave. So I make an executive decision and start packing my bags. I don’t know where I am going yet but I’ll figure it out. Maybe I will try to find my dad or something.

 

            While I am packing my mom appears at the door. “What are you doing?”

 

            “Packing, what does it look like?”

 

            “Where are you going?”

 

            “Any place away from you. I have never done anything but be a good daughter to you and you treat me like s**t. Beat on me for no reason, I don’t even think you know. One minute you want to kill me and the next you’re crying because you thought you might have killed me. I don’t get it.”

 

            “So you’re going to leave like your father did?”

 

            “I’m sure he had a great reason.”

 

            “You were the reason.”

 

            “What?”

 

            “I wouldn’t get rid of you. When we found out I was pregnant he was far from happy. He wanted me to abort you but I couldn’t. I loved him so much I could never get rid of something that he was apart of as much as myself. So he stuck it out for a little bit but the pressure got to him. On your second birthday he left and filed for a divorce. Now every time I look at you I see him, and I think to myself, maybe if I would have listened to him he would still be here. We would still be in love and living a wonderful life.”

           

“So you blame me for him leaving, though it was your choice to keep me. What an illogical way to think. I kind of wish you would have just gotten rid of me. I wouldn’t have had to endure the pain you have caused me. Mentally and physically. All these bruises and cuts you place on me, all these things I have to hide. In the summer I can’t even look nice because I have to hide these!! *As I show her my scars from her* And I am always wondering why my mom doesn’t love me. *Shaking my head*

           

“I love you, I just love him more and whenever I get angry or think of you being the cause of why I am so lonely and sad I lose control.”

 

“You need some serious professional help mom. I am leaving you until you find a way to deal with this painstaking depression you’re putting on both of us. I’m sorry but bye.”

 

I have finished packing up what little I care to really take with me and leave. No plan or direction. Then I think to myself, maybe now my dad will want me. Maybe if he knows what I have been going through with mom he will want me by sympathy or something. Where do I start? I don’t even know if he lives in the city anymore. I guess I could do some research in the library downtown.

 

            About a month goes by and nothing. I have been homeless hoping and praying for some sort of sign that I will find him. I looked him up by name to see if I could at least Google him to see if he has done something with his life, and I did. He is a scientist now, Dr. Cavinaw, at one of the universities, about 5 hours away. If I had bus fair I would have traveled to see him but I didn’t so I called. I tried everyday for a month and nothing. I almost gave up hope. Then yesterday he finally called me back. I was so nervous. We talked for a few moments and set up a time to meet at a nearby restaurant, a.k.a. near me.

 

            I’m sitting in this restaurant feeling out of place. I have been on the move and haven’t showered for at least a week but I managed to clean myself up in the bathroom, enough to look as though I am not living in the park. I also found out that mom got some help. She called me the other day telling me she checked herself into the local clinic and wanted to know if I would visit her. I told her that I couldn’t, not yet anyway. 20 minutes go by and he still isn’t here. I start to wonder if he is really going to make it.

 

            “Hi, Anastasia?” this man walks up to me. If this is my father how does he know it is me right away?

           

“Yes, that’s me. I have been waiting for about 20 minutes. What happened?”

           

“A little bit of traffic, and to be honest, I was a little nervous as well. I am sure your mother has told you stories of our messy marriage towards the end.”

           

“She did but I haven’t had the best of times with mom for years.” I explained to him what had been happening. He was shocked and then felt terrible for leaving us.

           

“I did love your mom; I just don’t think I was ready for parenthood. We were young and I just didn’t picture my life the way it had turned out. A lot of it had to do with me not being happy with myself and I took it out on you guys.”

           

“Seems as though you both have that characteristic, taking things out on others when they don’t deserve it.”

           

“Yea I guess so, but what she did to you was completely worse. What have you been doing for the past month?”

           

“The truth? Living at the park. I haven’t gone to school in a month either. I know that is bad but I didn’t think I could go through school anymore like everything was fine. My sophomore year grades are going to suck. I was wondering…maybe I could live with you. I thought maybe you would want me now once you got to know me. And maybe I can go to school where you live instead of going back to my old one. I can get a fresh start on my new life.”

           

“I never stopped loving you Anastasia. I would need to make some different living arrangements but I think we could make this work.”

            “Really?”

 

“Yes. I would love to get to know my daughter. And maybe we could go visit your mom together some day soon.”

 

            Quite frankly I was somewhat shocked at how happy my dad was to see me and take me in. I wonder if he had a girlfriend or if he has any pets or if he is a vegetarian or…I guess I could ask all of this later on when we arrive at his home. I am just so anxious about this. We did stop by moms before we left out of town. She said she was in rehab so we felt it was safe to go and not be seen. I grabbed the remainder of my belongings and we headed out. I just can’t believe this, but I need to sleep.

 

            Five hours later we are at my dads. He has a huge house, enough to house 10 people. At moms it was just a two bedroom, one bathroom, and one floor house. We had a small kitchen and living room. Mom didn’t make too much being a lunch lady, and with spending money on her addiction, that didn’t make the circumstances any better. Dad’s home was a two floor house with four bedrooms and two full bathrooms. He had a kitchen that made up two of the bedrooms, which weren’t small either. The living room had a big 50” screen and three couches surrounding it. This was amazing. My dad was rich in my eyes ha-ha. I decided to ask the big question then.

           

“Soooooo do you share this home with someone dad?”

           

“I do actually. I forgot to mention that I have a girlfriend who lives with me. She has two kids of her own. I don’t know how shocked she will be because I did not tell her about you but she is sweet so I think everything will be good.”

           

“Oh…ok. So do her kids always stay here?”

           

“They do every other week. She has an arrangement with the kid’s father. They each have a room here and now you can have one. You don’t know how happy I am. Honestly, more happy than I thought. I see how Angela, my girlfriend, is with her kids and it always reminds me of you.”

           

“I’m glad dad. But why didn’t you try to contact me then if you always thought of me?”

                       

“Honestly, I didn’t know how you would react and I didn’t know if I would be strong enough mentally to handle rejection if it came down to that. I felt terrible about the way I left you and my pride got in the way. I regret how everything happened though.”

 

“Well, to new beginnings,” I smiled.

 

A couple hours later I was in my new room painting with my dad and we were bonding. I was telling him about some of the better times with mother, and only briefly stayed on some of the bad topics. He told me about how he became a professor and what that has been like. I enjoyed watching my dad talk; he had so much passion when he did so. Or maybe the fumes were just getting to me. While the paint dried we left to got to the store and buy some new furniture and accessories for my room. I was so excited. I never go to do this with mom. My room stayed blank and basic.

 

When we arrived back at dad’s house a lady and two kids were there making dinner. I assumed this must be his girlfriend and her kids. The daughter looked close to my age and the son looked younger. I hoped that we all got along, never had siblings before, this might be interesting. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at us as we put the things by the stairs; introduction time I assumed.

 

“Angela, this is Anastasia, my daughter. She is 16 and is going to be staying here from now on,” my dad added an award winning smile so that it didn’t seem like that big of a surprise. But I could tell she didn’t know what to say about me, not even a hello. How rude. So I took the honors of being the mature one here.

 

I stuck my hand out to each of them, “Hi, Anastasia. Nice to finally meet you. Haven’t heard much but from the little bit I have you all seem wonderful. Can’t wait to get to know everyone better.” Now if that wasn’t a great first impression I don’t know what was. After a second of holding my hand out each shook it.

 

The daughter introduced herself first which was odd but pleasant at the same time. “My name is Shanice, nice to meet you too. I am glad there is another girl here haha.”

 

Then the son stepped up, “Hi, names Andrew, hope you can throw. I need a practicing buddy and everyone else seems ‘too busy’ to help me.”

 

“Of course dude I can throw a good spiral majority of the time, hope you can catch,” I winked as I said this because I liked him already. I didn’t expect such a welcome. I couldn’t stop smiling.

 

Finally it was Angela’s turn but she didn’t seem too enthused. This was odd to me, seeing as though my dad has allowed her and her family to stay in his home and connect with one another on a deeper level. Maybe she just wasn’t as welcoming or forth coming. “Hi, my name is Angela. Your father never told us about you so I am sorry for the sudden silence from me. It is difficult when you have believed one thing and now it’s different. But this is wonderful. Welcome to the family and I hope you enjoy it here as much as we do.”

 

“Thank you. I have a good feeling I definitely will.” I had a weird vibe from her but maybe I was being paranoid with wanting to be well liked that anything slightly off made me squirm. But now that intros were off the table, everyone went back to what they were doing.

 

“Derek, can I have a moment with you when you’re done?” Angela asked. This didn’t seem odd to me until I heard the whisper from Shanice.

“She’s mad at your dad, she only calls him Derek whenever she has an issue. Just thought I’d fill you in on the code around here.”

 

“Thanks,” I said distantly. I have bad feeling about this.

 

As my dad and I finished setting up my room I couldn’t help but wonder what the issue could be. I hope she wasn’t mad about me. Or maybe he did something earlier that made her angry and they didn’t finish talking about it. Yea that had to be it. I couldn’t have done anything already, I just got here.

 

“Dinner is ready,” Angela shouted form downstairs.

 

“Ok honey, we will be right down,” my dad responded. We were putting the finishing touches on the room at this point. It was beautiful I couldn’t believe my eyes. Blue painted walls, queen sized bed, bed set and headboard, dressers, night stands, lamps, desk for school, anything you could think of that would make a 16 year old happy. “How do you like it?” Dad asked me as we were headed downstairs.

 

“It is beautiful, I can’t believe this, and it is like a dream. Thanks dad I really appreciate everything you have done for me so far. I don’t know what else to say.” I can’t hold a straight face.

 

“Well I am glad. Now let’s eat this food.” My dad looked excited. Angela must be a good cook.

 

After dinner was over the other children went to their rooms except for me. I wanted to explore some more. It was such a huge house. In my search for adventure I arrived at a door that I hadn’t noticed before. I go to turn the knob but then hear voices. It sounded like Angela and my dad, they were arguing about me. Angela didn’t approve of how my dad just brought me here without telling her. Last I recalled this was his home before it was hers. How can she get mad over something like this?

 

I decided to head back to my room. My dad didn’t talk to me for the rest of the night and neither did anyone else. I felt alone again. It wasn’t a great feeling, it sucked to be the outsider; and I thought high school was bad. I guess I had to give Angela time to warm up to me or something. Tomorrow was Monday and she was the one who had to take me to get registered for this new school. Maybe we can do some bonding then.

 

            I woke up feeling sore, I figured it was from all the moving and running around dad and I did. I let it slide and eased my way into the bathroom. I hadn’t noticed I was taking my time until Angela called me to come down stairs mid rinse of me washing my hair. Geez I didn’t know I had to get up any earlier. I rushed the rest of the process and got dressed in a hurry. When I got downstairs Angela looked irritated.

 

            “Didn’t your dad tell you we had to be there at 8?” Angela says to me angrily. Obviously she liked to be on time and I was ruining her schedule.

 

            “No, but I am ready to go now,” I say with as much enthusiasm as I could muster under the circumstances of little sleep and sore muscles.

 

            When we got in the car we rode in silence. I didn’t too much mind but it was kind of weird. You would think she would try to converse slightly but not a word. I registered for school and went about my day. I was lucky because I got to spend the rest of my day at home. Tomorrow would officially be my start of school. The week went by quickly so I felt like I had a lot to catch up on.

 

            It was awkward with Angela and it didn’t seem like it was getting any better. My dad seemed extremely busy so I did not get a chance to speak to him about the situation. I almost missed my mom. The days she was decent we actually talked about stuff that was on our minds. I could always count on that. I hope I didn’t end up disliking it here with my dad either. Then where would I go?

 

The next week dad seemed more available and I tried to talk to him then. The only thing that sucked was that Angela would always get in the way or ask him to do something. It is like she knew when I wanted to talk to him. It was frustrating and I didn’t want to complain but things were not getting resolved. I didn’t know how much more I could take.

 

Finally I had a moment with my dad alone. Angela had to go grocery shopping and I took the chance to confront him about her. “Does she not like me?”

 

“Honey, why would you say that?” My dad he asked genuinely confused.

 

“She doesn’t talk to me or try to incorporate me into the family. I have been trying to talk to her and even bond with her but this whole month has gone to waste it seems.”

 

“Maybe you are overthinking some things. She is busy and has a certain schedule she likes to keep. Sometimes I even have to schedule myself into her work load.”

 

“That doesn’t sound fun. It just seems like I am trying way more than she is and she is the adult.”

 

“Well, I will talk to her and see how she feels about you. Honestly, I haven’t heard any complaints from her.”

 

“Well that’s because she hasn’t been around me enough to know if I have any with her,” I say under my breath as I leave my dad’s office.

 

Later that evening I heard arguing. I was assuming that it had to do with me. Angela was the one upset again and I didn’t understand why. I had come to the conclusion that it was either me or her and I didn’t want to compete to find out who would win the battle. This was ridiculous though. I guess only time would tell how this would all play out. Honestly, I didn’t want to leave because of her and I didn’t want her to be gotten rid of because of me. And there wasn’t even a sure chance of me being the one to stay because I was the new comer. This was a sad day in the life of Anastasia and I didn’t see a happy ending.