Lover's Struggle

A tale of two who have grown apart after a tragic incident resulting in PTSD

As the lights dim and the curtains draw closed, they embrace in a heat of passion that only they knew. A hard day’s work, rewarded with a lover’s touch. All they wished was to stay in this moment, as long as the night’s stars will let them. His head on the pillow, while hers on his chest. He whispers of only sweet nothings for their future to come. She lies there taking it all in. “I love you,” she says barely audible. And he kisses her forehead, “I love you too…always and forever.”

            Another memory Melissa remembers while sitting in the waiting room. Her husband Joe was in the emergency room. On his way home from work, there was a collision on the freeway. A semi-truck spun out of control over the railing on the road and took five other cars with it; including Joe’s car.  The doctors said that the collision could have been worse. The drop was only seven feet. If it had been any higher, like eight or ten feet Joe could have died instantly from the pile up. He was the first car to go over with the truck. There was no cushion for his fall but the semi.

            Melissa arrived at the hospital as soon as she could. She too was at work and had only two hours left until she had to leave the office. When she received the call she couldn’t believe her ears.  After arriving Melissa ran to the front desk, before she could ask where her husband was she saw him rushed in. He lies there on a gurney being rushed towards the Emergency Room. She saw tubes sticking out of him and the nurses holding huge pieces of gauze down to stop some of the blood. There was a metal piece sticking out of his stomach, Melissa knew once they took it out all hell would break lose with his body.

            This only frightened Melissa more. She felt useless in the situation. She knew she could do nothing to help save his life. All she could do was pray that the surgery was going to be successful. If it didn’t…well she couldn’t even think about that, she would be devastated and heartbroken. Melissa patiently waited for her name to be called. She kept contemplating if her name being called sooner or later was the better sign. She believed that the longer he spent in the ER the longer the doctor was trying to make sure Joe lived to see another day.

            “Melissa Finekin,” the doctor calls with his clipboard in hand. It has been three hours since she saw Joe being rushed into surgery. Melissa only hoped that these long agonizing hours weren’t gone to waste.

            “That’s me.” Melissa says as she gathers her items to head back with the doctor. He leads her down a long white hallway in silence. “Is he going to be alright doctor?” she asks cautiously, not sure if she truly wants to know the answer.

            “He is recuperating slowly, but we believe he will live.” The doctor says this in monotone so that Melissa is unable to sense his tone or mood towards the surgery’s outcome.

            They arrive at B64, Joe’s room. Melissa looks through the glass before going into the room. She still sees the tubes like before, but no blood was visible or the piece of metal that was there three hours ago. She finally opens the door. The room smelled of peroxide and pine sol, not too strong but just enough to notice in the air. Before she could reach Joe he moved slightly and tried to open his eyes. Melissa rushed over and tried to help him better adjust himself.  Then she whispered to him to just rest and relax. He did as she said and went back to sleep.

A couple hours later, Joe awoke again.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Melissa asked.

“I’m fine. Just a little out of it,” Joe says very low. As he lies there he begins to look around the room. Everything begins to come back to him, as soon as it does though, he panics. His heartbeat rises and the machine goes crazy. All Melissa can think to do is talk through what is going on, as she is unsure herself.

“Joe! Honey! What’s wrong? Talk to me, please.” Melissa says all this while trying to stay as calm as she can.

“A truck. Five cars. Bodies. Blood everywhere. Can’t breathe. Can’t breathe.” Joe says everything breathlessly while trying to explain what he is seeing.

“Honey you are in the hospital. You’re far away from the accident, you’re safe now. More conscious of what could be happening, Melissa tries to further calm him down. But before she can completely do so, doctors are surrounding the bed making the situation worse. Joe is more out of control with his breathing and he isn’t calming down. The doctors decide that the only way to do this is to give him a shot of sleeping medicine. In the background Melissa is standing in the corner confused and scared. She can’t hear a thing; only see all that is happening. She wants to ball up and sink to the floor. She knows that she needs to be strong for them both though.

As the sound returns to Melissa’s world the doctor is calling her name, trying to grab her attention. “Mrs. Finekin, we believe that your husband may experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but only slightly. The accident was a near death experience but he did not go into war. You will have to be patient with him.” When the doctor finishes, all Melissa can do is nod in response. She wonders how long the PTSD will last.

While processing all that has happened in the past 12 hours Melissa wonders when it will be okay for them to leave. Once again, Joe awakes. This time he looks more exhausted in the face. He looks around some more. Before he can go into a possible episode again Melissa quickly explains the situation before he can react.

“How long have I been out?” Joe asks Melissa.

“The majority of 12 hours. Be careful though, you have 40 stitches in your stomach.” Melissa helps Joe sit up easier, plus propping some pillows behind him so it is more comfortable.

Melissa and Joe sat there for another hour or two talking about what has happened. Melissa explained all the doctor has told her. Joe was in shock. He didn’t even remember panicking the first time he woke up. He admitted to thinking that he was going to die from the accident. He couldn’t move at all. All he remembers before now is falling, screaming, blood, and flashing lights before blacking out.

“You guys are able to leave now. There are some papers that need filing out first before you do,” the doctor interrupts. Melissa is very happy, she hates hospitals. After the paperwork was done Melissa rolled Joe out of the hospital. It was 7 am when they go outside. The sky was a beautiful shade of pink and purple. On a morning like this they would have been sitting on a hillside enjoying a Frappuccino. When they arrived home Melissa called into work, she thought she should stay with Joe. He would need her, so she thought. Joe wanted to start work immediately, the next day.

“Honey that will be impossible, you need to rest for a week before you can go and drive again. Prepare yourself for this. Remember what the doctor said about the PTSD? Anything slightly related could spark up an episode. Baby steps.”

“I will be fine. I don’t want to be treated like a cripple, neither will I act as such,” Joe says firmly.

Melissa didn’t want to argue, not with him in this condition. She only wanted to help him. She decided that she would make some breakfast for them then rest.

Four hours later she hears Joe panicking. He is sitting in front of the TV. The news is showing the accident and talking about the survivors and the ones who didn’t quite make it.

“I should be dead. Why did they make it? Why do I live?” he whispers breathlessly.

“It’s ok! You lived because you had good doctors, I prayed for you.” Melissa tries to get him to understand.

“No! No! Facts! I should have died, no questions asked. I should be on that list of non-survivors!” Joe was yelling. Melissa was a little frightened now but she knew she had to be strong for them both.

After half an hour she convinced him of thinking he was worthy to live, though others did not. This was only the beginning. Joe had nightmares almost every night, he had panic attacks while driving to work, and every once in a while he would get sent home early from work. The nightmares never let up. Melissa decided that she would drive Joe to work so that he wouldn’t be a danger to other drivers as well as himself on the road. This lasted for two years. Melissa was exhausted. She was at the end of her rope, she believed.

Melissa started seeing a therapist because she didn’t know what to do. During the sessions her mood never seemed to get better.

“What am I paying for? You haven’t helped me one bit. I still feel like giving up. My husband is getting no better!” Melissa snapped at her therapist.

“Melissa it doesn’t seem like you’re putting in any effort. Your husband went through this near death experience. The doctor told you that you needed to be patient. He was right; it takes a lot of patience to deal with something like this,” the therapist says calmly.

“Well he has been like this for two years! When does it end? I am exhausted. He doesn’t care what he is putting me through, or he would try harder to get past this.” Melissa sounds completely defeated.

“Why don’t you two get out of town for the weekend? Go spend some alone time together, rent a hotel for something romantic.”

Yeah, let’s take a DRIVE somewhere. Great idea doc…” Melissa drifts.

On her way home, Melissa thought about what the therapist said. She decided that it was worth a try, but instead of a hotel, she would book a weekend cruise. This way they are not on the road for a long period of time, avoiding an episode. After arriving home Melissa decided that a hot bath would help her relax. Before she did so, she booked the cruise.

“Melissa! I’m having another one!” Joe says as he enters the door.

“Honey, if you have acknowledged the episode then try to prevent it,” Melissa said uninterested while reading her book in the den.

She hears faintly Joe trying to calm himself down, but he is not succeeding. She moves to the kitchen to help him, like she has done many times before.

“When is it going to end,” Melissa whispers.

“I don’t know.”

“Some good news, I booked us a cruise this weekend,” She says nervously, hoping he is excited.

“Why?” Joe seems confused.

“What do you mean, why? Something that we can enjoy since we haven’t had much of that since your accident,” she says sourly and a little irritated.

“I don’t know about this, I’ll think about it,” Joe says ending the conversation and getting up towards the bathroom.

Melissa sits there speechless. A little upset, Melissa starts thinking about whether Joe wants to spend time with her or not. Getting up, she prepares dinner, and then goes back to reading her book. She is checked out for the night. This is how most nights have been since the accident.

It was Wednesday when the trip was booked. The next two days were a blur. Melissa was excited whether Joe went or not. “Are you coming?” she asked Joe Friday morning.

“Where?”

“The cruise. I think you should. I am going regardless. We both need a break and a getaway. It leaves in five hours.”

“It seems as though I have no choice,” Joe says almost disappointed.

Melissa pretends not to notice. Joe calls into work. They leave for the cruise. They weren’t on the road for long, thank God, in Melissa’s mind. The last thing she needed was for him to have an episode before the trip. He has been okay for the past two days, no nightmares. Maybe things are looking up. As they board this luxurious ship Joe looks nervous before entering the ship, but after going inside he looks a little more calm walking around.

They settle in and go exploring. The day is going well, and they are actually enjoying each other’s company. Then dinner comes. Half way through the meal, the news is on low in the background. It is talking about the two year anniversary of the accident Joe was in. Melissa hears it first and wonders why they could possibly be showing it right now. Apparently, a senator’s wife died that day, they are remembering her.  Melissa calls the waiter over ASAP. She decides nothing will ruin this. “Can you turn off the news,” she whispers to the waiter. It is too late though, Melissa sees that Joe has heard it already.

“No! No! Joe, don’t, not here,” Melissa says nervously.

It’s as if Joe can’t hear her. He sinks to the floor and crawls under the table.

“Joe, stop this now!” Melissa is yelling now, also trying to whisper to not draw too much attention. “Don’t embarrass me!”

Joe is still under the table. Melissa wants to cry from embarrassment. She doesn’t know what to do so she leaves. Joe is still under the table experiencing his episode and Melissa is nowhere in sight. After 20 minutes pass Melissa hears a knock at their door. It is Joe and the captain of the ship.

“He told me this was his room…” the captain says looking worried.

“Yes, he is my husband. Come in,” Melissa says low and embarrassed.

She can’t believe this. This trip was supposed to be relaxing, episode free. It was too good to be true. As the weekend passes slowly they do their own things.

“This was a disaster,” Melissa states.

“I told you,” Joe says.

“This is the last day and nothing has changed. You’re still PTSDing. When is this going to end? I don’t think I can take this as the rest of my life with you.”

“What happened to, ‘for better or for worse’?” Joe says shocked to hear this come out of her mouth.

“This has been the same for two years. I don’t know if I can wait two more years for you to be normal again.”

“I had a near death experience!”

“Two freaking years ago! Get over it. Be happy to be alive! I have no more sympathy, empathy, whatever I am supposed to feel left,” Melissa looking exhausted.

“Well you’re not the woman I fell in love with anymore. What happened to her?” he whispers.

“She disappeared. I lost patience. I am tired, and I want my husband back.”

“Well I can’t guarantee I will be the same man, or when I will be again. I don’t know what to tell you.”

“I don’t either…” Melissa says sadly and depressed.

‘What do you want to do then? What are we going to do when we get home? Obviously you can’t be with me anymore; I don’t want to hold you back…” Joe says feeling heartbroken and lost. He doesn’t want to lose her but this PTSD is harder and more complex than he ever imagined.

“I don’t know…I just don’t know yet,” Melissa admits while looking distant. In her mind she sees that things can’t possibly go back to the way they were before the accident. Nothing feels the same and she even feels embarrassed about the way she handled things the first night.

The ride home was silent. Melissa drove and kept her eyes on the road. As soon as she entered the doors of their home she was right back out them in a matter of minutes. Joe was confused and lost. His wife had never acted in this way and he had no idea where she was going. He sits in the living room with the bags still full and the air still tense. He wants to win her back, spark that romance that was there before the accident. It’s not as if he isn’t trying to fight the PTSD. He knew he had to try harder. But he also thought to himself, should he have to work hard to win her back? If she hasn’t accepted the facts and reality what more was there that he could do?

Melissa was on her way to Yolanda’s house. Her best friend, she hasn’t spoken to her in about six months. She lived on the other side of town but with Joe’s PTSD, Melissa hadn’t had time for friends recently. She put all her time into trying to make Joe feel better that she didn’t have any time for her. Maybe that’s what this was about, not enough time to do some of the things she wanted to do for herself. This was frustrating her. Melissa knew she still loved her husband. Why couldn’t she suck it up? This wasn’t going to last forever.

“Melissa!!” Yolanda yelled when she opened the door. “What are you doing here? I didn’t get a call or anything.”

“I need someone to talk to.”

“Oh, sweetie, ok come on in. It’s a bit messy but I think you can handle it.”

“It’s about Joe and I. I told him that I couldn’t be with him because of this continuation of PTSD. Was that wrong of me?”

“Well it depends on your reasons for saying so. Do you not feel like he is trying to get over it, or is he digressing?”

“Neither, I just feel like things have gone for the worst. We don’t act like we used to. And sadly my lack of patience has gotten the better of me in the situation.”

“Well then it sounds like you may have some soul searching to do.”

“How do I go about it though? I am not sure myself what is wrong with me. I thought I could do this, be that supportive wife, but now it doesn’t seem that way at all.”

“Maybe there is something in life you see yourself doing that you feel Joe is holding you back from? And you have seen that through the PTSD?”

“I am not sure but that could possibly be it.” Yolanda and I sat and talked for hours and she helped me see that Joe and I need to try new methods of getting rid of the PTSD.

“Thanks again girl. You really helped me with this.”

“No problem at all, any time.”

On her way home, Melissa knew she needed to apologize to Joe for her impatience and the things she said to him on the cruise. She knew she still loved him and wanted to remain married. Melissa just hoped that he still loved her after everything.

When Melissa opened the door of their home she was surrounded by a luminance from candles and dim lighting by the dining room table. She also smelled roast, mashed potatoes, and corn. What was going on was all she could think.

“Did I walk into the wrong home?”

“No honey, I cooked for you. You have done so much for me over the past couple years and I wanted to repay you for that. I haven’t shown it but I am very grateful that I have you here with me to go through this experience.”

“Oh! This all looks great. And you’re welcome, but I am sorry I said all those things. I still love you and want to be married to you; I just think we need to try some new methods. Something more direct, but we can talk about that later. Let’s eat!!”

Melissa and Joe sit down for dinner and actually enjoy it. They begin to rekindle the marriage that got side tracked. They test out the new methods of getting rid of his PTSD and Melissa worked on her patience.

A year and a half later Melissa was pregnant with their first daughter, Joe was on his way to successful full recovery, and things were looking up for them.

Author's Note

Honest comments, please and thank you