A satire about me

Ok, I wanted to write a satire but since I don't like pointing out other people's defects ... I decided to point mine :) (chosen my 3 strongest ones)

Man, I know you more than me,

let me give you a few tips,

don't care that much 'bout money,

it won't bring you happiness

if you're afraid to spend it !

Why hold it so greedily?

Can't bring it to hell, you know?

And, why do you eat so much?

Won't solve your problems eating

sandwiches, fries or junk food !

You just end up torturing 

your body and soul, that way !

Kill your moral eating that

beast, bet its taste's worth the crime !

But, first of all, wake up, bro' !

You're not more important than

any other in this world !

If you die, the sun won't stop 

shining, the world won't stop spin.

Stop watching you reflected

on that lake, Narcissius !

Author's Note

Decided to follow the latin literal satire elements:
- Aggressivity against vices
- Simple lexic
- Perfect metrica (and 0 rhymes xD)
About the last one, I didn't decide only to write in 7 syllable verses but also in 7 verses stanzas (7 is the magic number xD)
Hope you like it, a tip: Do the same, you feel much lighter after poiting out to yourself your worst defects !

Reviews

[Victoria PoetryBunny]

Nice write. I like how you talked about money and food. I really like the feelings and thought in this, and in that last stanza. I like this part:
"But, first of all, wake up, bro' !
You're not more important than
any other in this world !
If you die, the sun won't stop
shining, the world won't stop spin."

[eglantine]

Glad to see you exploring the many facets of poetry. I never knwo what to expect from you lol. I'll def have to try this out. Did you mean "your" instead of "you" in the second to last line?

[外人 (Gaijin)]

Thank you very much for your review ! Where? I've checked all the poem again looking for that wrong "you" but didn't find it :(

[eglantine]

Maybe I'm reading it wrong but, I'm almost positive that it's the "you" in the second to last line... sounds wrong as it is. change the tense of reflected?

[外人 (Gaijin)]

at the beginning I thought "reflected" as "reflection" so the possesive "your" would make sense but since I changed to "reflected", I thought the possesive made no sense anymore

[eglantine]

I still like "you" better lol

[外人 (Gaijin)]

I wrote you :) That's the right one xD

[eglantine]

om gahahahaha! subconcsience peeking through? gaaah I partied too hard this weekend lol

[外人 (Gaijin)]

so lucky !! I haven't partied for ages !! :(

[eglantine]

oh well if ya lived closer you culd join my friends and it--this past weekend involved dancing, bet-making, good food, blues festival, night pool adventures, drinks, even a bouncy house lol. we know how to have a good time here

[kayla]

Lol. I like this. It's funny and I can definately relate (except for the first stanza, cuz I never have money) lol

[MandaBear]

Very neat idea for a poem:) Might have to try it one day

[Mockingbird]

very amusing poem. i guess your vices are greed, gluttony and hubris. it is a good idea to try one. great job.

[外人 (Gaijin)]

Actually on the last stanza I've tried to "mix" two vices since they looked very close to me: selfishness and hubris :)

[BLBrown]

First, I really like the idea for this poem, about ones own devices. You made this very interesting, learning about what you consider to be your vices. I think I shall make such an attempt...thanks for the idea.

A few comments:

- I think your note means you used 7 syllable verses but they are actually of different numbers so probably needs some tightening up...the English version anyway

- If you want a review of some specific meter then it helps to put that in the notes so one knows what to look for (i.e. Iambic Pentameter)

I encourage you to continue to work on strengthening the structure of your poems...the ideas are all there and are very good.

Keep writing!!

[外人 (Gaijin)]

Sorry, my bad :(
Since I'm totally unable to count syllables in English (It's so different from couting them in Portuguese or in Italian !!) I used that website http://www.google.it/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CFwQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.syllablecount.com%2F&ei=WYkCULeED8Gg4gS0grmrCA&usg=AFQjCNF7z2st5MlyE3LqnJAx41Yozncqhw&sig2=ZZiouxBebsjWQJpURF8B2w, guess it makes mistakes too xD

[BLBrown]

Yes, I figured that was what was happening. It would be interesting to see you work on this now translated version, challenging yourself to produce a poem that is not in your mother language, but that has strong poetic structure. It doesn't have to be exactly like the other versions. Food for thought.

[外人 (Gaijin)]

Actually I've written this one in English, if I write in Italian or Potuguese I put the original version firs and the translation in English below. Tried to count rhymes by myself this time, could you please tell me if I got 7 syllable verses this time? Thank you very much for the warning !

[BLBrown]

Sure:

Only one line has 8 syllables:

Why' you hold it so greedily? You could change to "Why hold it so greedily?"

[外人 (Gaijin)]

Thank you very much again ! Already changed :)

[Talismanic]

Amazing:) and yeah, great idea! I agree... a bit of healthy self-heckling helps us to not feel so at the centre of our own little universe, and makes our ego-centric habits and worries seem pretty ridiculous as well.

[♪The Girl Next Do..]

Interesting! I don't believe I've read anything like this on writers before. Great write!

[外人 (Gaijin)]

Thx =D

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

No probe :3