A satire about me

Ok, I wanted to write a satire but since I don't like pointing out other people's defects ... I decided to point mine :) (chosen my 3 strongest ones)

Man, I know you more than me,

let me give you a few tips,

don't care that much 'bout money,

it won't bring you happiness

if you're afraid to spend it !

Why hold it so greedily?

Can't bring it to hell, you know?

And, why do you eat so much?

Won't solve your problems eating

sandwiches, fries or junk food !

You just end up torturing 

your body and soul, that way !

Kill your moral eating that

beast, bet its taste's worth the crime !

But, first of all, wake up, bro' !

You're not more important than

any other in this world !

If you die, the sun won't stop 

shining, the world won't stop spin.

Stop watching you reflected

on that lake, Narcissius !

Author's Note

Decided to follow the latin literal satire elements:
- Aggressivity against vices
- Simple lexic
- Perfect metrica (and 0 rhymes xD)
About the last one, I didn't decide only to write in 7 syllable verses but also in 7 verses stanzas (7 is the magic number xD)
Hope you like it, a tip: Do the same, you feel much lighter after poiting out to yourself your worst defects !

Reviews

[Victoria PoetryBunny]

Nice write. I like how you talked about money and food. I really like the feelings and thought in this, and in that last stanza. I like this part:
"But, first of all, wake up, bro' !
You're not more important than
any other in this world !
If you die, the sun won't stop
shining, the world won't stop spin."

[Zahra]

I really liked the concept, analysing yourself in a humorous way. Takes a strong mind and heart to do it. Very nice!

[TL Boehm]

I believe those who write spend much time in introspection. usually we are our own worst critics. Its an odd mix of ego and self loathing.

[quinfinn]

ooh! slap the reflection in the water....."take that, Narcissus!"
i have always found it wonderfully wicked to poke fun at myself,
in verse and in song...and i am not loathe to attack my faults from time to time
this takes a lot of courage and a lot of personality, so beautifully done is this fine write of yours

[外人 (Gaijin)]

Thanks, it was kind of difficult to write this (to accept these as my flaws, not to find them out, after my friends have pointed them out for ages, I already knew what I had to look for xD)

[quinfinn]

that's what we call an inside straight in poker!

[Laura Maidah]

I'm so confused.

[外人 (Gaijin)]

Why? xD

[T. Michele Smock]

COOL

[To be scene To be heard..]

loved reading this piece

[Coyote Poetry]

"If you die, the sun won't stop
shining, the world won't stop spin.'
There is wisdom in the words. Life teaches us what we do and the kindness done is what important for a good life. I like the strong ending to the outstanding poem.
Coyote

[afra]

beautiful ...good work

[MOON]

Good write nice points rais.