Intro

A conversation that sparks one of the darkest stories ever told.

 

 

 

There had been a conversation, of that he was sure.

 

The couple who had been sitting at the table just behind Him had been fighting, and He had been listening intently. Though pretending to be uninterested in their loud bickering, His head was turned slightly as He eavesdropped. Apparently, the husband and wife had each been having an affair with an entirely separate couple; a sort of romantic coup d’état between four unfortunate individuals. The entire thing was too intriguing for Him to ignore, and He only wished He had brought a pad and pencil to write it all down.

They had both left, in a huff, through opposite doors and He was left disappointed that the argument hadn’t grown physical, for it would have given Him a reason to turn around and tell the both of them to shut up before making a well-pointed exit. Instead, the darkness of the night lingered just beyond the swinging doors as they were angrily shoved open. He rubbed His tired eyes. Was there no end to His disappointment?  A bottle of wine came with the usual large crystal glass on a silver tray. The waiter touched the glass down lightly on the table in front of Him. He nodded in thankful acknowledgement and slumped over an arm, staring at the scarlet drink as it flowed into the glass, swirled for a moment at the bottom, then ceased. His mind drifted, as it often did. He considered how bitter it would taste, how drunk He would feel after He finished it, and how miserable He would be upon returning home that night.

The restaurant He sat in seemed lavish, but in actuality was not. The crystal was really glass; the blood red ‘imported’ carpets were really cheap knockoffs; the wine was atrociously bargain brand, and nearly every chef who worked beyond the swinging double doors was an ex-convict or something equally substandard. Though, He guessed, if one could see the bare surface of things unlike, they might’ve found this place somewhat appealing, but was really just as cheap and half-assed as He was.

As much as He wanted to leave, it was raining outside. Beyond the window, heavy drops fell onto the cobblestone road, illuminated by the neon sign out front. His apartment was a fair distance from this place and it simply wouldn't be worth the trip. No, He thought. He would wait it out here.

To His surprise, there came the sound of a chair being pulled out and sat in. He looked up to see a gentleman in a spotless black petticoat sitting at his table, which was a rare sight. He hadn’t known gentlemen in black petticoats to stray around these areas of the city.

“Would you happen to be�"” the gentleman began to ask.

“Yes, most likely,” He said without removing His eyes from the wine.

“I’ve had a hard time finding you.”

“Well then, it seems I’ve done a good job evading you, until now. Tell me, what is it you want? Are you another story enthusiast come to learn of my adventures?”

“I’ve heard you were the one to come to for such things.”

“I am.” He thought about taking a sip, but it might be bitter. He hated bitter wine.

“Would you be so kind as to tell me your story?”

“My story? My good man, if you really want to know that, then my best advice would be to go home and never bother me again. There is nothing for you to gain by hearing what I have to say.” He finally took a delicate sip of wine and cringed. Bitter, just as He had thought.

“Please, it would mean a lot to me,” the gentleman said, his eyebrows furrowing as if there was a thought in his head that had been burdening him.

He looked over the gentleman with bloodshot eyes. An enormous handlebar mustache; that petticoat, and a comb-over gelled to sleek perfection. The gentleman bothered him. Something about the way he sat with his back straight and his hands folded; the kind of man who would pester him, show up at his home, on a relentless rampage to learn his secrets. And at the same time, there was something vaguely familiar about his presence. His head was already throbbing with the strain telling the story would put on His mind. But then again, He didn't have much to go home to, only a sleepless night, followed by a good day of excessive drinking.

“You look like you’re headed to an event,” He said.

“Maybe I am.”

He eyed the gentleman a little more and breathed a long sigh.

“I had better get some payment out of it.”

“Of course.”

“Well then, listen hard because my story won’t be repeated. And you had better order something to eat because you’re in for a long night�"something simple because these imbeciles screw up anything beyond microwaveable. Keep your trap shut. I don’t like being interrupted, try not to develop a cerebral hemorrhage, it’s not a story to be taken lightly and neither is it a fairytale.

 “I’m well prepared for it.”

“You had better be. This particular story begins in another world, in a place you’ve never heard of. A place called England.”

 

 

 

Author's Note

This is merely the intro, I wrote it on the fly. It probably needs a lot of work so please make reviews as constructive as you can.
P.S. neither of the men are named for a reason.

Reviews

[TL Boehm]

The restaurant He sat in seemed lavish, but in actuality was not. The crystal was really glass; the blood red ‘imported’ carpets were really cheap knockoffs; the wine was atrociously bargain brand, and nearly every chef who worked beyond the swinging double doors was an ex-convict or something equally substandard. Though, He guessed, if one could see the bare surface of things unlike, they might’ve found this place somewhat appealing, but was really just as cheap and half-assed as He was.

This part here made me chuckle. I read it several times and enjoyed it immensely.

[Jooolie]

I like it so far :) Good intro, and I like the fact that both the men are anonymous. The details were great and I look forward to reading more.

[Aggie Skeleton]

I liked it, it caught my attention, something you never fail to do. I want to read on. And I shall...

[Kloud_Nine]

A good openeing, though I dont care too much for the text (it actually made it kinda hrd to read) that aside though your dialogue is smoothes, transitions too and no gramatical mishaps that i noticed. There really isnt much to point out and, looking at the other reviews, anymore praise or complaint would be redundant.

A fine openeing so far.

[Mary Evans]

Very nicely written. You've got a nice style and good grammar.

The tiny things I spotted:

“as he eavesdropped.” I believe it should be “was eavesdropping” since it was going on for a while.

“Apparently, the woman had been having an affair with a man who was married to a woman of whom the husband had been having an affair with.” You lost me…. I had to read it 4 times to slightly get it. I suggest rephrasing. (After 6 times I realized it’s a circle with the end leading to the beginning, let me read it again and see what I will make of it this time XD I have a feeling it’s an editing error)

“He nodded in thankful acknowledgement and slumped over an arm, staring at the scarlet drink and thought about how bitter it would taste, how drunk he would feel after he finished it, and how miserable he would be when he returned home at night.” Too long. Separate. I noticed you have tendency to use long complicated structures which is great, but it’s better to simplify things sometimes.

“but was really just” There should be a subject somewhere in there.

“enthusiast come to learn of my adventures” Again something’s not right here. Say it out loud and judge for yourself if you would speak like this or not. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me.

“a comb-over gelled to sleek perfection.” I think you missed “hair” in there.

Its overall a very nice intro. You established the mood and introduced the characters well. Also manages to draw in the reader.
Well done.

[Ashley.M.E]

This is really good. I love the way you have wrote it. I would say more, but I am tired... which kind of makes it hard sorry.

[JelliFyshKissUs]

Aw don't try to be coy and tell us you wrote this on a fly. NO ONE writes this well on fly, Domenic. This writing allows my mind and eyes to drift gracefully long the path of words, in unison at all times. There was not a moment when I had to go back and reread to gain the thought you tried to convey. Superb job. Now I've got to hear this story about England.

As far as the featured reviews--Don't agree with two of them at all. Amazing how we reviewers differ. I love the tongue twisting affair line--the only one in the piece--and I don't need you to tell me where he is. I hate stories like that, that just tell you instead of allowing you mind to come up with the visual on your own. I don't need a name from the beginning when it is a story written in First Person and there are only TWO PEOPLE. I've just read a story that begins like this from the author of Narnia, so it's not like it can't be done. Subtly approaching the descriptions of these characters is intriguing, I think. But I'm no educated writer and I'm not rating this on a scale of 1 to 10, so what do I know?

[Joshua Donahue]

Hmmm...it was interesting, for sure. However, there were things I found had some problems:
1. Apparently, the woman had been having an affair with a man who was married to a woman of whom the husband had been having an affair with.

*This part is HIGHLY confusing. i read it at least a dozen times and it got me so confused I skipped it. And I have NEVER read something quite so complex (and I have read some complex things, trust me!)


2. To his surprise, he heard the sound of a chair being pulled out and sat in. He looked up to see a gentleman in a spotless black petticoat there, which was a rare sight.

*You never really say where he sits at. You simply say the character hears a chair being pulled out and being sat in, but you never say where. I mean, it later becomes obvious (sort of), but you still just say the character looks up and see a gentleman "there". So where is there??


3. “Fine, I’ll tell you. But listen hard because it won’t be repeated. And you had better order something to eat because you’re in for a long night - something simple because these imbeciles screw up anything beyond microwaveable. Luckily, this restaurant is open twenty four seven, so there will be no disturbances. That is if there were no more couples who decide to stop by for a heated argument.”

*In this paragraph, the character seems like an ENTIRELY different person from the beginning when he was first introduced. He isn't exactly defined whatsoever. I mean, he is first thought of as a nosy person. Then, when he receives the wine, he seems like a drunk (and drunk people are not nosy people. They only care about themselves). And then, in the end, he seems like a very wise person. You need to define your character and make sure his dialogue, thoughts, and behavior are all consistent with one another. :)


4. The plot itself. The no name thing did keep my curiosity, but there is so much that can help with that. I mean, basically, a stranger walks into some place and tells a guy he wants to hear his story. The guy says no then says okay and says he will. Seems a bit...far-fetched to me. Sorry. But maybe it's just me.

This is NOT a bad review, please know. It is just a review that is meant to help you in improving your story. :) With that, I think the story was interesting and unique. I am looking forward to see what happens with the characters. So I can't wait to read the next part. Although, in this intro, I would like to see a little more details on the setting. But just a smidge, because it IS an intro after all. :) Hope I helped ya!

[Rapterj]

First off, I thoroughly enjoy the captivating style of the no-named hero/anti-hero. I’m quite intrigued as to the universe you’re painting here. And with that said, I’m off to my points:

The first sentence and first paragraph are striking and decisive – but after I read all through the introduction, you never return to that level of grandeur to conclude the introduction. It may be in another chapter, but I feel slightly cheapened with such great writing that doesn’t quite close as brilliantly as it opened.

I absolutely love the first 2 paragraphs, but as you start to reveal more about the restaurant, you seem lose with the chapter’s protagonist, describing his thoughts almost as if you are 2 steps further from his mind than you were in the first 2 paragraphs (almost as if you started paying more attention to the restaurant than you were about how he sees the restaurant – it may just be personal taste, but I prefer to decipher the storyline from the protagonist, it helps me gauge what kind of character he is).

As you introduce the Gentleman , you stall the description of him. While it may be intentional, I think the outright scandal of his appearance (in contrast with our world today) is something that would give much more impact if we are presented with it as quickly as possible. It also helps illuminate the possibility that we are in a different setting, possibly a different universe or different planet, than the safe and sound café that could be right around the corner. Even more so, with the mention of the word “microwaveable” after his description.

As you progress through the discussion between Gentleman and No-Name, the conversation becomes less memorable. It opens strongly, but feels awkwardly like both parties don’t have a lot to say. I suggest after writing some more of the story (or unearthing it in your mind), you revisit this and give them some more “character” responses more trademark to their developed personalities. Also, it doesn’t quite make sense why No-Name actually decides to tell his story, maybe something along the lines of “He could tell the Gentleman wasn’t going to take ‘No’ for answer. And the quicker he told the story, the quicker the Gentleman might go away and he could return to his bottle in peace.” -- well, I’m not you, but you get the idea.

Well, for your plot, I award 9 points out of 10 – simply because it felt soooo short. And the conversation was kind of a failing point for me – especially after such a bold intro line.

For diction, I award 9 out of 10 points – Just because you used the phrase “What on Earth was this man’s deal?” Otherwise, I felt as if you were defining a universe of your own, with a unique style, and your word choice reflected just that – until you popped out that phrase, which became an instant killjoy.

For prose, I award 8 out of 10 points – since the style is so bold, unique, and defined, as I mentioned. However you lost a point for the style fading during the restaurant description, and another point for the “empty” feeling of the conversation.

All in all 9/10 points. Damn fine intro and it was so enticing I just had to jump to the next piece to read more. I simply love how this opened up.

[Miss Coral]

Really like this.. reminds me of the opening to my favorite book, The Name of the Wind. The reluctance of a legend to share a story..
nice character development and description.
Great chapter, as usual. Looking forward to reading more.