Dawn and Dusk

The light rises on

to take its share of the sky

because light is fair

 

 

 

The moon rises on

to keep watch over darkness

'cause dark isn't fair

Author's Note

syllable cout for both haikus: 5/7/5 and 5/7/5

Reviews

[Wolfwind]

Your stanza do carry the contrast that I think you were aiming for. I would make two suggestions... The double use of "light" in the first stanza is a bit redundant... I'd change the first "light" to "sun", that way it fits a better opposite contrast to it's counterpart the "moon", that appears in the second stanza. The second thing is... "bea?cause"(SP), how about "because" :)

No...this suggestion is just my opinion. Ending each of the stanza's in "fair" doesn't sit well with me personally... I would change it up a bit and have that last line be, "'cause night does scare". For me, that lends to keep the contrast of the two stanzas, plus... since you used the word darkness, having the word dark in the last line of the same stanza is a bit of an over use. I saw again... this is just my opinion. =)

Overall you've got a great idea with the piece or pieces as they could work on their own just fine!

Aaron - Wolfwind

[DogDrawler]

Okay. First of all, the moon is supposed to represent the light at night. Plus, I put "cause" because if I used "because" it would be one syllable too long.

[Wolfwind]

Oh, I knew that. I didn't see any problem with the use of 'cause in the second stanza. Nor that the light of moon chased away the dark... The idea I gave doesn't change the meaning of the piece. It's just saying it a different way, while keeping the beat count correct, without having to use similar words that were being used elsewear in the stanza. =)

[Wolfwind]

Wait... my bad... in the alternate version... you could use "because night does scare" for it would be 5 syllables.

[DogDrawler]

Oh, okay...

[Leandro Mendez]

nice, clever piece, cool write and read!

[Ezekiel Silver]

An exquisite piece that not only defines day and night but good and evil as well.

[Tina Kline]

I like this. Nicely done.
A good contrast between the sun and the moon.

[Coyote Poetry]

I like the poem. Direct and honest words. In the day s of old. Darkness did control the night. Thank you for the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Sam]

I like it. so simple but says so much. I love your style.

[DogDrawler]

Thank you! (yet it's not the only style I hold)

[Sam]

I shall keep reading then :)

[writingurl14]

This is beautiful! I love the way your short haiku's tell a story! Great Work!

[DogDrawler]

Thank you. Though I don't think none of my work could compare to yours. :)

[writingurl14]

thanks :) that is very sweet :)

[DogDrawler]

Not as sweet as you. :)

[writingurl14]

hehe ;) sooo

[DogDrawler]

Wkao38siwmi. "So" what?

[writingurl14]

idk ;) ummmm idk what to say lol