Because It's Been a Long Time

 

Because it’s been a long time

He sits after the show and doesn’t pay attention

And lets his band mate take the money

And refuses to let anyone buy him a drink

Because he swore off it, that living in the moment thing

He won’t look anybody in the eye

And assures his band mate that he’s fine

And won’t smile at the people telling him what he already knows about his voice

Because he doesn’t bother unless he’s onstage

He can’t see anybody in the lights and that is fine

And he can’t think about anything in the noise and that is good

And the ring on his finger catches the light and warns off the girls

And that is for the best

Because it’s been a long time

He’ll go visit her later that night

And there might be grave diggers in the early morning

And he will probably forget to buy flowers

And he won’t think ahead to bring a flashlight to read the stones

Because it’s been a long time

And he is still wearing her ring

And he is still refusing to move on

And he is learning to do without.

Author's Note

I'm looking to improve. Please write any criticism that comes to mind.

Reviews

[Phenomena]

Very unique topic:) In a good way of course:) Just one little tip: This sounds like a short story, which isn't bad, just add more detail:) Hope this tip will help:) But nice work:)
God Bless:)

[lizap]

I love it. I really do, so emotional and sad it really brought feelings to me.
i dont think you should have a space between the lines though...it stops the flow of this wonderful piece.
and i agree about the band mate thing with the previous review...other than that it's great, tells an emotional story in a good good way!

never stop writing
Liza:)

[Elandra]

Well you asked for criticism and so here you have it... Wow. Amazing work. So emotional and beautiful and... wow. ;)

You did a great job with this poem. The twist at the end really caught me off guard, and worked out excellently since I spent the whole first half of the poem wondering where it was leading. I had such a beautiful "epiphany" moment with the line about forgetting to bring the flashlight. I loved the short lines, especially near the end where it really began the rhythm of "And he... and he". And the repeated line was a perfect touch.

One nit picky thing was at the beginning you repeated "band mate" twice in two separate lines, but they were close enough that when I read it it sounded repetitive. Personal opinion of course so feel free to disregard. :)

Great job and keep up the good work!