The Devil Goes Digital

 

Satan did not particularly care for the ways of humans, but there was one thing that had caught his attention.

The thing was computers.

They looked very nice.

He sort of wanted one.

As a matter of fact, it went beyond sort of wanting one. Satan just wanted one. He wanted one because he didn’t like Hell’s low-tech reputation. The age of craggy rocks and open pools of lava were long gone; Hell was a civilized business now. No one used pitchforks anymore, and they had gotten some nice paneling for the walls and floor. But all the files were still kept in file cabinets, and this did not sit well with the Lord of the Under World.

He wanted to go digital.

He imagined pirating all the latest top forty jingles and blasting them throughout the torture chambers of Hell on new surround-sound system speakers. He imagined the souls in the Adultery section writhing in agony to Britney Spear’s “Womanizer” and the Suicidals suffering to the harmonies of the Jonas Brothers. He imagined getting an iPod and playing the Rolling Stone’s “Sympathy for the Devil” over and over while doing paperwork. He imagined the end of paperwork; he imagined getting all the files onto a Dell laptop and emailing them to his secretaries. He imagined Facebooking God and harassing him with silly bits of Flair. He imagined blogging.

He imagined this, and it pleased him, and the thing looked easy enough to handle---how hard could it be? Humans had invented it, for crying out loud---and he wanted one, so there. But maybe he would get a Mac instead. He liked the Apple logo; it brought back memories of the good old days in the Garden when he started that whole mess with Knowledge.

 Maybe he could get one in red.

He went to Best Buy, because word on the street (paved with good intentions) was that that was the best place to go. He looked human enough; he hid his horns under a hat, wore sturdy boots to hide his goat-hoofs, and admitted roguishly to having slight “sunburn”. The nice-looking, but nerdy, kid selling him the Mac was succinct and customer friendly, and Satan was delighted. He was so excited he even bought the warranty policy without asking any questions.

He returned to his domain whistling, which frightened his minions and their victims to no end. He put a sign up on the door to his office saying that anyone who dared disturb him would be even more damned than they already were, and began cheerfully putting his new toy together.

He ignored the instruction manual; those were for sissy mortals with no time to be imaginative. Satan was willing to bet his hooves that he could find better uses for his Mac than twenty computer experts combined. Hell was going to get upgraded, big time.

There is no real measurement of time in Hell. No one kept watches or calendars. It was generally assumed that time was passing the way it usually did, and everyone knew how the passage of five minutes felt.

Five minutes passed many hundreds of times before Satan was seen outside of his office again.

He was not so much seen as heard. There was a strangled, dignified kind of scream heard through the thick door of his office, and the sound of a piece of high technology experiencing impact against that self-same thick door. Satan’s minions knew better than to knock and enquire as to the health of those inside.

Satan packaged what remained of his Mac in its box and went back up to Best Buy.

The nice-looking, but definitely nerdy, kid at Best Buy was in his station, and Satan dumped his box of Mac pieces on the table. “I would like to return this, thank you very much.”

The nice-looking, but very nerdy, kid smiled, confused. “What happened?”

“It did not work,” Satan told him stiffly. “I bought a warranty. I want to get rid of the thing.”

The kid chuckled. “So throw it in the trash. I can’t do anything with it.”

“I want my money back.”

“No way, dude. Are you kidding? You totally trashed it.”

“Because it didn’t work.”

“Somehow I don’t believe you.”

“Look, nerdy kid,” said Satan. “I bought your warranty.”

The nerdy kid didn’t look so nice anymore. “Well, I guess you didn’t read it then, because, guess what, you can’t return your Mac in this condition.”

He proceeded to quote the entire policy, injecting his own snide comments and California witticisms. Satan stood there, being lectured by a punk, nerdy kid who had infinite amounts of knowledge that had somehow escaped the great Under Lord’s notice during his reign Below. Satan was being bested by a human.

This was worse than that episode in Georgia with the fiddle. He had never felt so belittled, so insignificant, so stupid in his existence.

He was distantly aware, in his haze of humiliation, that the nerdy kid had stopped lecturing him, and was asking him if he wanted to purchase another computer to replace his Mac catastrophe. Despite having just ripped Satan’s pride to shreds, the nerdy kid looked as innocent as an angel.

Satan considered his prospects carefully, and finally pulled out his card. “Look, if you ever want a better job, call me. You’re really good at this.” And he walked away.

The digital age could wait a few more centuries.

And thus it was proved by a nice-looking, but nerdy, kid at Best Buy that evil is always vanquished by the forces of good. Bless the Mac.

Author's Note

I'm looking to improve. Please don't hesitate to write any criticism that comes to mind.

Reviews

[Amber Nicole]

"The thing was computers.
They looked very nice.
He sort of wanted one."

"This was worse than that episode in Georgia with the fiddle."

This was hilarious! And those lines have got to be my favorite parts. Your view on Satan is definitely one of a kind. I love it.

[Suzanne Sherif]

OMG this is funny! I love the descriptions of Satan's daydreams about what he's going to do once he joins the digital age.

I'm just wondering about the ending: God bless the Mac. I don't think it's in line with the evil vs. good ending. Also, I'm not sure that the ultra-slick nerd was the epitome of good, he was just a very good salesman.

I think you need to clarify what you want the take-away message to be, and then come up with a very good "punchline". Then you're there!

Good stuff!