His Unlikely First Day

I was getting out of the car when this new guy, a bit older than I drove up into the school parking lot. When he got out of the car, all the girls there swarmed over to greet him. I ran inside the school as quickly as possible to avoid him and all the 'popular' girls here. Me, nerdy Chloe running? That was a sight! I hate running! 

When I got to my locker, he was there. Again. Why does he keep showing up in my school around me? Please go away! Please go away! I thought, not thinking he'd actually not go. No, Instead, he had to come to my locker. Yes, my locker. 

"Hello, my name is Dave. I'm new here." The new guy- I mean Dave- said. 

"Hi, I'm Chloe." I replied not knowing what else to say. 

"Would you like to show me around this school?" He asked. I looked up at him and saw that he had the most wonderful intense sky blue eyes. 

I hesitated, not sure how to reply. "I think that you should ask one of them." I said, pointing over to the people who were glancing over in our direct and talking. "They seam to want to show you around." I told him.

"Yes." He seamed a bit put-down, if you know what I mean. "But, I don't want them to."

"Okay. Fine," I said, shutting my locker and locking it. "Who do you have for your homeroom class?" I asked.

Author's Note

Here's the first chapter, kind of introduction I guess.... So... What'd ya think?

Reviews?! I'd like to have some input.

This just doesn't seam like something I'd read, but....

Would you keep reading it, is it interesting?

Reviews

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

I must say you did captivate me with this "obsession" led pre-text to cover the plot point, but then it was so short. Yes it's direct and to the point, but i felt as an introuduction to the story it leaves the reader a bit far from realiztion than I'm comfortable with.

.novelists.elite.info.
.display. Thomas Fitzgerald
.memberID. 028
.division. III
.division.leader. Ryan
.name. Thomas
.username. kissaled
.novels. Adrian, Memoirs of a Gay(sha)!
.status. Early Reader, Early Writer
.join date. 06-27-11

[Lou Briggs]

“a bit older than I” should be “a bit older than me”.

She’s a nerd, so she can’t run? That’s a pretty huge stereotype. Is she overweight? Or just unathletic or uncoordinated?

I’m not gonna lie, but this chapter is not very accurate of high school life. This sounds more like a scripted episode of some show like Degrassi. That doesn’t really happen too often, and, unless he has a specific reason for talking to “nerdy Chloe”, he wouldn’t. Unfortunately, high school has a hierarchy, and if writing doesn’t quite follow it, it seems contrived. For instance, in Twilight, when Bella moves to Forks, everyone thinks she’s the most gorgeous creature to ever live. This simply does not happen outside the world of complete imagination.

You have a few typos, and this would really benefit from a good proofreading.

-Lou

.display. Lou Briggs
.memberID. 030
.division. IV
.division.leader. Vacant
.name. Lou
.username. Lou Briggs
.novels. ----
.status. New Member
.join date. 07-02-11

[Coyote Poetry]

A very strong beginning. Poor girl can't escape crazy Dave. Could be a interesting tale. A excellent chapter.
Coyote

[pamzilla. &hear..]

What have I learned about Chloe since I started reading this book?
She. Doesn't. Like. Dave.
To answer your questions:
Yes, I'd keep reading.
Yes it's interesting.
So WRITE MORE!!! Or I'll send my ferocious, baby blue, nighty-night teddy bear after you!

[Jessi Berlasty]

" a bit older than I(,) drove up into the school parking lot." "I'm new here.(,)" T(t)he new guy" "I'm Chloe.(,)" I replied(,) not knowing what else to say." "around this school?" H(h)e asked." "ask one of them.(,)" I said" "in our direct(ion) and talking. "They seam(seem) to want to show you around.(,)" I told him." "He seamed(seemed) a bit put-down, if you know what I mean. "But,(no comma) I don't want them to."" I don't think that is a good place to put "If you know what I mean"

I'd add more detail. I have a soft spot for high school stories. I think it's because mine was never adventurous. Impress me.