Charlemagne Back From The Grave

This was my World History Project that I had to do on Charlemagne... So I decided, since I am still mad at her, that I'll make fun of him as subtly as I can, and see if Connellan can figure it out...

Today, I will bring back Charlemagne from his peaceful, everlasting sleep to talk to him. Enjoy this fun interview!
Saxon Wars:
How would you describe the Saxon wars?
It was harder for me to prepare my armies than to take them down to sign a treaty. Of course, they broke treaty, causing the long, bitter war of which I won. I would describe it as a bitter heresy war. The war lasted about three years, but it is still to this day one of my famous long wars.

Sibling Rivalry:
Was there any bitterness between you and Carloman?
At first, we were fine until my Dad, lovely Pepin the Short died and divided my land between us brothers.  Carloman got the larger, better piece of land than I did, and I got the north, farthest away from Rome and the Papacy.  When I asked my great loving brother (And I mean that sarcastically) to help strategise against Chunoald II outside of Vienne, he decided to argue and go back home like the coward he is.  So I decided to go against Chunoald any way, and won, of course.  I am, as you kids now-a-days say, awesome like that.  Then another time was when we were both Fathers.  Of course, Gerbera just had to have a son, and Carloman just had to name the child Pepin. How dare he?  I am Charles the Great.  I should’ve had the first son.  I should have had the son named Pepin.  My first son was born just after Carloman’s son, Pepin.  Then Carloman decided to ally with Pope Stephen III!  Of course, my bloody mother decides to get in between us.  Pope Stephen is still confusing me with all his promises.  He is one of the most contradictory men I’ve ever met.  Anyway, shortly after Carloman died, and I cast away his family because of their connection to him, I then took over the entire Frankish Kingdom.  It was easy as pie.  So yes, there was a lot of bitterness between me and my cowardly brother, Carloman.

How much different did you feel after being a king than being an emperor?
I feel that it was inevitable and destined by the Christian God for me to become King of Franks, Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire, and Charles the Great, not my lowly brother Carloman.  I am the one who seized the opportunities that presented themselves to me. He [Carloman]  just sat there in his palace doing nothing.  I am the greatest King in the Carolingian line, and so much more.  I helped create and expand Christendom.  I guess I felt more pride, and happier [about being emperor].  Maybe I felt like nothing can stop me now, not that anything could stop me before, but after being crowned Emperor, I think that I felt like nothing, not even death, could stop me from taking my place in the empire, and in history.


It’s said that you’re the greatest Hero, a hero for all seasons. How do you feel about that?
I feel like those who say that [about me] are awesome.  Really, they are.  I mean, I may not be Alexander the Great, but I am an awesome warrior.  I wonder who wrote those great stories fantasizing about me.  Yes, I’ve read them, and they’re great.  Most are a bit off the truth, but they’re still very creative and well written.  Some make me sound a little too good.  A bit.... how do I say this...they make me sound a bit too good to be true..almost bigger than life.  They make me sound like a good, healthy version of Genghis Khan without the murderous side.  Yeah, a good Genghis Khan.  I like that, but as much as it pains me to say, most of those “heroic qualities” aren’t in me. I’m just a good King and Emperor who knows what he wants, and will do what he wants to get what he wants [for the sake of his kingdom].

How do you feel about the myths?
I love them.  Didn’t I already tell you that?  I answered this question. Are you trying to waste my time, Child?

Oh no, sir but please bear with me.  What do you feel are your greatest accomplishments, and why?



Did you kill, or have your brother Carloman be killed?
No.  As much of an atrocity and how mad I was, I was farther away from the coward as I could possibly be.  Besides, he died under mysterious circumstances.  Nobody knows what happened to him.  I sometimes wish he didn’t die so early.  Although he was a bad influence on me, a cowardly influence, I still cared for him because he was my brother.  He was family, and I would never kill my family unless they betrayed me in the severest way, in the most severest circumstances.  Otherwise, never in my life would I kill my family.  Over my dead body would I kill my family.

Will you give me the answers to my geometry homework?
No, insolent child.  You know geometry better than I do.  I didn’t learn half of that because that didn’t exist in my time.  At least, not this advanced geometry.  I thought you were good at geometry?

Maybe I am, maybe I’m not.  How did you improve the economy of Europeans?
I improved their economy by using my campaigns and wars to the interest of not only me, but also to my people.  Those who were used [as soldiers] were paid greatly, so when they were paid, so when they shopped, the shop owners were paid, and it all trickled down.  Maybe the president of your country should try something to that effect.

Since you mentioned it, how do you feel about the idea of the people electing their rulers, i.e. the U.S. electing their president?
It’s the new way, I guess.  I am, as you would likely say, stuck in the old ways.  I guess I would like it better if I was a regular person.  But I’m a king, and I like my hereditary ruling but it makes sense why your “founding fathers” put in their version of democratic leadership.  I understand why they did it too, but it doesn’t mean that I have to like it.

What’s your opinion of President Barack Obama winning once again?
As much as a lot of people are probably going to stop me, I’m going to say that I’m glad. Romney would have brought your country back to my times.  Obama helps your country keep going forward in the ideas of growth.  Romney’s ideas are more, ah, archaic in a sense, if you know what I mean.  Romney was definitely born in the wrong century.  I think that he should have lived during my reign.

If Romney lived during your reign, what would you have done?
I would have put him in a position of limited power.  He would have had to convert to Roman Catholicism, instead of this heretical Mormon religion.  If he converted, he probably would have been a royal advisor or a teacher to my daughters.  Because of his flip-flopping, I would not have put him in any other place in my kingdom.  I cannot trust someone who does not have strong convictions.  One day, he would be for a war, the next, he would give some reason as to why he wasn’t for it and chaos would erupt in my perfect kingdom, my peaceable kingdom.

Who would you have voted for Presidency: Obama or Romney?
I wouldn’t vote at all. For one, I am French, and if I did live in this new millennium, I still couldn’t vote. But as to preference, Obama for his forwardness, Romney for his archaic thinking. I am archaic, remember that. I may be an awesome warrior that people fantasize about, but I still am archaic. I also would not have voted because neither is the best person for the job. Great, now I am flip-flopping.

Okay then... Let’s switch gears. What are your philosophies of life? What do you believe in?
I believe that God gives each of us life, and that it is our duty, as Christians, to do everything we can to improve others, so that we can all go to Heaven. I believe that only those who chase after their dreams can take hold of them and make them real. I believe in destiny, and that God makes our destiny. I also believe that we can make our own destiny, as long as it’s in God’s will. I believe that just because you go to Mass doesn’t mean that you are any more or less Christian than I, or any person who does not go to Mass.  No, I didn’t always go to Mass. I also believe that only those who work hard for things truly earn them.

Okay, I’m going to stop you there, Charlemagne. If you could talk to your brother, Carloman, what would you say?
Well, I would say “hi”. That’s about it.  And probably something to the effect of how he was a coward.  Why do you ask?

Hey, I’m the one who asks the questions, Charles!  I ask because here he is!  Hi Carloman, can I call you Carlie?
Uh.... Sure... Why not.

Okay Carlie, let’s get on with our interview.  Are you proud of your big brother?
I guess so. I mean, I wish he did a few things different, but all the same, he’s alright. `

Have you two talked at all during the millennium you both have spent in Heaven?
Yes and no.  Almost every time I try to talk to him, he turns every conversation into an argument.  I do not know why.  I just sometimes want to talk to him, just to talk, like brothers, not like rival sibling kings.  It’s sometimes really annoying.

Charlemagne, what’s your response to that?
I beg your pardon, Carlo!  It is you, Carloman, who turns every conversation into an argument! It is you who is the child, who is the burden, who is the one that died!

Um.... Charles, you died too... Over a thousand years ago...
Yes, child, but I died later.  I lived to an old age, not this snobby child-king. He didn’t even complete a five year reign! Carloman died at a young, cowardly age.  He didn’t even take the time to try to go to war, or win some glory for his cowardly name!
Okay... Carlie, how do you think this conversation should end? Do you have any last words?
Although I didn’t know Charlemagne well in my later years, I do wish that we didn’t fight so much.  Most of our fights were because Charlie was so bull-headed, so King-like, that he wouldn’t do anything, come to any midpoint, or meet with anyone because he had to have everything brought to him. He was so obnoxious, so uptight about everything. No one couldn’t change his mind. Do I wish I got to know him better as an adult? Yes, but on the same token, I am kind of glad that I did not.

Alrighty, you both can go back to your everlasting sleep. Thanks for coming back for my interview!
You know we do this every year, right?

Thanks Charlie. You made me feel lots better.... (Note the sarcasm.)
Bye! Go back now! See ya!

Author's Note

So how was it?

Reviews

[Marie]

It was very interesting. I learned a lot I did not know, and learned it inan entertaining way.

[Some Random Person.]

Thanks... It took me about four hours of research. God, I love my school library!