Totenkopf: The Unforgiven

Pagemaster�s Contest #1; I have toyed with the idea behind this story for a long time. I have read and heard similar things, but nothing quite like this. It is a mixture of history and fantasy. I hope you enjoy it. Doc.

“EVEN AFTER MY DEATH, YOU WILL NOT TASTE DEATH! BUT YOU WILL LIVE ETERNALLY DAMNED!”

The weather had turned cold and it was beginning to rain. Three men covered in fur hide cloaks stood watching as the flames slowly took hold of the wood. It would be over in minutes even with the rain. The oil they poured out would see to that. The crazed foreigner kept shouting at them. This one did not seem afraid to die, or burn, Lothar thought to himself.

“What is he saying?” Gregor asked turning to his brother.

“I don’t know. I do not speak the language of the Hellenes.”

Pulling back the weather curtain, Gregor yelled back into the common lodge. “Obart! Come here! We need you to tell us what this Hellene is yelling!”

Obart looked up from where he had been eating and shook his head in agreement. The noise in the common lodge had drowned any noise from outside. Obart picked his way through the others having their evening meal and drink. He went outside with the three others, tankard in hand. He listened for a moment.

“The Hellene is cursing us.” Obart looked blankly at the three from face to face.

Gregor shook his head imploringly. “Anything else?”

“He says we will never die.”

“Is that all,” Reiniger replied, clapping his brother’s shoulder.

They began laughing and raising their drinks in toast to one another. They had ignored the Hellene as the flames truly took hold of the pyre. There was a flash of light. They turned to the direction where the Hellene was being burned. From the size of the fire and its glow, the Hellene priest should have been screaming. Yet, he stood there, freed from his bonds. Then, he began speaking to them in their Danube-Teuton dialect.

“I came to you a messenger to give you a warning. You did not heed my words. Now, suffer the curse of the damned. You will not rest with your fathers. You will taste death many times but will not die. You are eternally damned. You will walk this world in its shadows. They will hunt you. You will hide but they will find you. You are the unforgiven.”

There was another flare up around the Hellene. The four Teutons covered themselves with their cloaks as the fire grew white with intensity. Then it went out completely. The pyre was fully consumed.

*   *   *

It was raining. The battlefield was strewn with the corpses of many men. The oil fires held on tenaciously to anything that burned. The break in the forest was supposed to give the Teutons the advantage. It did not. The skirmishes had lasted for days. Finally, the lines had been drawn along this tree break. What had been a farm turned into a place of carnage. The battle along the Rhine River was ferocious and terrible. Both sides had lost many good men. But, in the end, it was the Teutons who lost to the invaders from the south. Their banners of eagles and symbols. Their ordered ranks and weapons. Their tactics in the field and their seemingly endless supply of fresh troops had destroyed the defenders. At first it seemed the Teutons would drive the southerners off the field in a rout. The southerner ranks fell in and back. The Teutons overran the first few ranks with screams, shouts, and war cries to create fear in their opponents. The southerners just fell back further and further until it was too late for the Teutons. The sides of the southerner ranks swelled with hidden troops and collapsed on the Teuton main army. It was the Teutons that were routed. Very few escaped the field. The Teutons were given no mercy. They had never given any. The southerners collected their dead, burned the Teuton weapons, and left again to the south. Only the corpses of the Teutons and their animals remained on the field. The birds and scavengers would come soon.

“Aaaaahhhhhhhhaaa!”

A scream of pain rent the air. Within a mass of strewn bodies, one moved. It crawled and clawed its way out of the tangle of arms, legs, and torsos. Panting hard, he lay there in the midst of the mud, blood, and oil. Feeling his strength returning to him, he pushed himself into a sitting position. He let his eyes survey the field of dark colors and confused shapes. A hide covered man slowly stood. Then, another. Then, another. The sitting man maneuvered his unsteady legs underneath himself. He willed himself to stand. He stood and watched as more men rose from the battlefield. Soon every man that joined him from his village was standing. They stared at each other and around them at the battlefield. Everyone else was dead.

The rain soaked men covered in mire slowly made their way around the battlefield. There was very little conversation. Anything useful was collected. They rearmed themselves with anything that was serviceable as weapons. They found themselves along the north side of the clearing. Lothar looked at these men. Each had questions etched into their faces. Their eyes were a mixture of fear and shock. No one had any answers for what happened to them that day.

“Let’s go home,” Lothar said to no one in particular and nobody objected.

Let go of Expectations..... Jul 15, 2007 - Aug 25, 2007 Win The Honor of being the first Pagemaster

Reviews

[Teresa Bridges]

I am totally speechless! This had me from the beginning and kept me reading until the very end. Good descriptive writing and it keeps the readers interest, waiting to see what happens next. I did like the way you combined the history and the fantasy. Well done!

[Chris Pavey]

Loved the title. It drew me in. A great read, but I agree with others here, it reads like the beginings of a larger piece. I hope you're still working on it as it's got great potential. I also love the mix of fantasy in with history. Historical Fantasy is what I write and what I think this is.

[Ryan McAuley]

Absolutely wonderful! I would love to see this expanded and made into a no kidding novel.

There was one part that I thought you could combine two sentences together:
The Teutons were given no mercy. They had never given any.

But that is just an opinion thing.

I truly do want to read more of this... please write more. : )

[TL Boehm]

loved the descriptions in this piece - graphic and vivid - I can almost smell that toxic mix of death and oil...hear the crackling pyre...well done
The theme definitely has potential. there is some serious 'meat' to this story already and I found myself pulled in, wanting to know more. The beginning jumps right into action - and the second half raises so many questions.
I would say you are on to something wonderful with this.

[Vanessa Whiteley]

Well this is a page turner of a story with a wonderful flow.

�What is he saying?� Gregor asked turning to his brother.
�I don�t know it's all Greek to me..�

And how come Obart doesn't get to watch the entertainment, at least until he's called out?

The Hellene Priest has a neat turn of phrase. Quite spine chilling that bit.

"...You are eternally damned. You will walk this world in its shadows. They will hunt you. You will hide but they will find you. You are the unforgiven.�

I didn't think the following flowed as well.

But, in the end, it was the Teutons who lost to the invaders from the south. Their banners of eagles and symbols. Their ordered ranks and weapons. Their tactics in the field and their seemingly endless supply of fresh troops had destroyed the defenders

'what HAVE the Romans ever done for US?' 'Well apart from the odd massacre of Teutons, the aqueducts and sanitation' and as for massacres that was a half-hearted attempt.

A hide covered man slowly stood. Then, another. Then, another. The sitting man maneuvered his unsteady legs underneath himself. He willed himself to stand. He stood and watched as more men rose from the battlefield.

Actually this is very well described. Your descriptions throughout are excellent. A good story.

[Ismael Rodriguez Jr.]

you wrote a story that grabed me from the start and wouldn't let me go. That's how interesting your story was.

[Helen Woodward]

Even after my death you will not taste death! But you will live eternally damned!
Sounds like something The Fuhrer would say in one of his hysteria rousing speeches! And indeed this sounds familiar because of the feeling of nazi-ness I get from it...I realise it was set earlier though.
The battlefield scene was especially good Doc, I also liked your use of psychology. All in all a very thought-provoking story that leaves the reader stunned with the use of brilliant imagery.

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

This story is so interesting it kept me enthralled.. i enjoyed the mix of history and fantasy.. you wrote this so well, bravo and good luck with the contest~

Chloe
xoxo

[Carole]

Doc, you used some incredible imagery in this story and it is obvious you are very knowledgeable or you wouldn't have been able to produce such an incredible story line. I am not much of a history buff, but I would say you have got something here. Hope you win. God Bless. Carole :)

[Otimbo ( Timothy B. Dru..]

Love the ambience, especially in the second half, where there are only one or two significant utterances of dialogue. Fantastic.

[C.L. Wilson]

finally a story in this contest. i was thinking about writing a story version of the poem i entered but thought it would be just as good in poem form.

great story and more than fitting opponent to everyone in this contest