Greed

It's been a few years since I've written anything and has been extremely difficult attempting to recapture old feelings and write with the raw passion I once did.

Greed

 

I once wrote an entry about the weightless and freedom I felt while being driven insane.

To look back on such powerful emotions at a pivotal point in my life is truly breathtaking. Even in this renewed life, I gasp to choke on the rough beauty drawn in abstract form and watercolors. Daily I attempt to feel the tempered edge crafted those three long years ago. Under the weight of pain and pressure of failure, I sought to understand and forge ahead. Today, much to my chagrin, I haven’t come close to recapturing those feelings that made everything so raw and provocative. Even now in this attempt to see the truth, I begin to see the redundancy in my writing…

Even still, that humbled voice calls out to me. A voice singed in mysticism and veiled in haze gray and underway to distant shores.

I’m always left behind, so why follow it... what’s the point…?

The truth is the same as it’s always been; I’ve never known the answer. But I guess I couldn’t help but feel that I’m being led to somewhere I belong, rather, to the place I was meant to go all along.

In these years of hiatus, I found love again, I’ve had a child, I even renewed my passion in my career. One could surmise that I’ve grown up and moved beyond the need of selfish emotional triggers.

But I hate that thought.

I’ve always been selfish, I’ve always wanted power, and I still want everything I desire and more. And why shouldn’t I, this is my world after all. I want my family, I want my friends, my career, my dreams, and I want the spark that made me dive into truth and self-reflection. Before that spark, I lived in the void, believing that the things reflected in my eyes had no meaning and that the things that could not be reflected in eyes did not exist.

However, I am beyond such blanketed statements. The obstacles I am faced with today are no longer tied to pain or a lack of understanding. Blessed with a burden of knowledge, I stand as the Sage of the modern age and have seen all that has come before and long after the conception of human thought.

The only one stopping me from having everything I seek is me. I suppose from this reflection; my writings will consist of disparaging thoughts and self-hate. And while I do wish to use brevity in my approach, self-hate doesn’t quite cut it.

I just want to evolve; To grow beyond my wants, my needs, the path of the Sage, and at some point, this world.

I’ve come to see now that the voice that calls out to me isn’t so mysterious and far but behind locked doors. Disappointingly, as I claw away to tear down the door, I fail. Bloodied knuckles, broken fingernails, and tired eyes, I fall in the dark before the brilliant illumination spilling from the opening between the door the and floor.

I choke to hold back the tears, but I’m not as I once was, and with rage in my heart and defiance in my eyes, I will be back.

Author's Note

I hope that this entry conveys a clear picture of my struggles over the past few years. If you've gone through something similar I'd really like to have a discussion about it.