Let There Be Love

No description tonight, just confusion, for me.

So it's been 26yrs and my Father has decided to reach out to me.

In movies and tv shows I often find the protagonist trapped in a whirlpool of feelings in this situation, and just as I predicted,  I am without emotions.

I bear no grudges or misguided mixed emotions given the time and distance that has separated us, to include that fact that I've never met him. I mean how could I have any feeling of such. Television and movie drama is clearly far more dramatic than I've been lead to believe in lieu of this event. Our only true connection is biological, those are the facts, but even as I say that I am at a crossroad once again. Is this what I am supposed to be feeling?

I take great pride in the fact I am very in tune and aware of myself. I make every effort I can to understand why I do the things I do and don't, and I rather enjoy reflecting on my internal and external actions effect on the world around me. Yet, despite knowing who I am, I continually question my emotions in most matters. In my head I see some generic tv show son meeting his father for the first time through a letter casually sent to him just shortly after his birthday, and he is sad, elated, and learns more about himself while reading about his father's trials and tribulations than he has learned in years. Perhaps it's the media forcing such arbitrary thoughts in my head or maybe this is actually something stirring deep down is my self-consciousness 

I just can't tell the difference as of late. 

Despite knowing myself there is still such a large gap for me in understanding my feelings. I really hope that my writing will teach me why that gap still exists someday. You know, it makes me wonder how I fell in and out of love? It really makes me wonder if it was real love to begin with? Hell, now I question what exactly is love in the first place? But not today, I hate veering too far off topic, especially on questions that I can only offer limited conjecture on.

I feel like this journal entry is dragging on. I'm not forcing this entry at all but I'd really like to come to a conclusion sooner than later. My left and right brain have been fighting for years and I'm ready for it to be over with.

Looking at these pages my Father wrote I can see he has really good handwriting and a bit of uniqueness to it. His "I's" look like dashes in parenthesises turned vertically. His "y's" are always in cursive. His "E's" are amazing, they're in cursive and each stroke written is extremely sharp; I wish I could write them like that. And his "S's"...look...fancy as f**k, I don't know who taught him penmanship but it's quite extraordinary. With the exception of his lower case "I's", he leaves large undarkened dots above them like a 4th grader, it's almost infuriating to look at knowing he's 46, but to each is own. 

I've always found no peace of mind or solace in the idea of a God. I'm perfectly fine believing that at the end of my days I will fall sleep and forever dream in silence, and yet I'm relieved and happy to know that my Father has faith in a God. He is in prison for the rest of his life. I can't imagine the physical burden and mental anguish he has had to endure, but better to be a prisoner of the body then of the mind in my opinion. So if faith helps him face his reality every day, then more power to him, I've never been one to judge people and I don't intend on starting now.

Math was his favorite subject in school... I feel the need to immediately judge him now and never communicate with this guy again, lol. I absolutely hate math, but I feel a bit depressed knowing he loved it. I mean I hate it, but it always came naturally...

I'm still not sentimental like I think I should be and I'd never admit to it plainly because I'm just difficult sometimes, but, reading this letter makes me wish the world would just fall apart at the seams so I can remember the words to the song we sang in our dreams so many years ago. 

That's enough for today. Goodnight 

 

Reviews

[ReedWrite]

A few grammatical issues...but I love the writing. There is something provocative about first-person perspectives. It gives the reader a chance to step inside someone's head and view the world through their eyes. I like when writers step beyond the rules of engagement, and give an unvarnished, authentic perspective. Keep it up. I enjoyed this very much.

[EvaThornburn]

I also enjoyed your write. a wondering mind can sometimes be a very confused mind.Your work showed that and so much more. Thanks, for sharing. Was worth the read. Eva