DREAM OF A PAST REALITY

EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES I CAN SEE

THE OCEAN COMING ALIVE UNDER THE MOON.

THE STARS THEN REFLECTED ON IT

REMINDED ME OF A TIME THAT ENDED TOO SOON.

THE MOUNTAINS THAT BORDERED THE WATER LINE

STOOD TALL AND MIGHTY ABOVE ME.

AND ONLY THE STREET LIGHTS PROVIDED SAFETY

BUT NOT AS FAR AS THE EYE COULD SEE.

DROPS OF SWEAT SLID DOWN MY BACK AND

MUSIC PLAYED SOFTLY ON THE BACKGROUND.

CHILDREN PLAYED WITHOUT THEIR PARENTS

SOME, IN LAUGHTER, FELL TO THE GROUND.

'HAPPINESS' MY MIND TOLD ME.

THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

NO ONE HERE CARED ABOUT MONEY

OR WORRIED ABOUT THE LOSS OF A LIFE.

I SAT ON A CHAIR NOW FACING THE CITY

AND LET MY NOSE DO ALL THE WORK

PEOPLE SOLD FOOD ON THE STREETS

I SMELT CHICKEN, CHILLI, MEAT AND PORK.

ALL COOKED OVER A FIRE,

ALL MADE WITH LOVE.

I LET ME BODY RELAX AND

STARED AT THE STARS UP ABOVE.

SO DIFFERENT FROM THE REFLECTIONS...

THESE ONES WERE UNMOVING, UNFORGIVING.

THEY LACKED THE BRAZILIAN SWAY

UNLIKE THE OCEAN ALWAYS MOVING TO A RHYTHM.

SAMBA COULD BE HEARD MORE CLEARLY NOW

AS IF PEOPLE COULD TELL THE NIGHT WAS RUNNING AWAY.

I WONDER IF THEY WERE TRYING TO HOLD TIME HOSTAGE

OR JUST BEGGING IT TO PUTT OFF THE FOLLOWING DAY.

Reviews

[Dr. YumnaKay]

"'HAPPINESS' MY MIND TOLD ME.
THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
NO ONE HERE CARED ABOUT MONEY
OR WORRIED ABOUT THE LOSS OF A LIFE."

Happiness really is in small things like these but we tend to seek it in different ways. I liked the imagery here.

Just a small point of critic: when you write something in all caps, it's like the words are shouting which causes a somewhat negative impact on the reader. Other than that, I enjoyed reading this. Nicely penned 👍

[LKBillips]

I loved how you incorporated more than one sense. The sense of smell invokes many memories and I feel like you captured a more realistic moment by adding this element. Good job!

[Poeticme]

Beautiful....Simply beautiful

[JayG]

If you're going to write structured poetry you need to do more than mostly rhyme two lines per stanza. A lot more comes with it. Prosody matters a great deal to the flow of the piece, and it appears you didn't take that into account.

I would strongly suggest you read the excerpt to Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. It's a really good overview of the basics of stressed and unstressed syllables and how to manage them.

As for the thought/theme, I think too much of it remains in your head.

In the first stanza You speak of moonrise, and how the reflection on the sea reminds the speaker of something unknown that you never expand on. But you mentioned it, so it must matter.

So you devoted four lines to telling the reader, not what happened, but that something that's not important enough to follow up on happened at an unknown time to an unknown person, in an unknown place. Informative, perhaps. But is it entertaining?

In S2 you tell the reader that bad things are going on out of the light. But you never mention that lack of safety again. So why bring up the subject?

In S3 we learn that unknown children had fun doing something unknown. But that appears to be irrelevant because that's dropped too.

In S4 you say that in this unknown place no one worried about money. No one? In the entire town no one is sick, or knows someone in danger of death? No one lacks money? Okay, I suppose, but where is "here?" No hint, No hint why it matters to this unknown person. And if the safety doesn't extend beyond the streetlights, there must be unhappy people there.

The problem, as I see it, is that you're talking to the reader, but not giving context for why it matters to either the reader or the protagonist. So you're talking to the reader who comes to you to become involved emotionally. And that takes more than a report on things in general in this unknown place.

Unless you make the reader know why it matters to the speaker, how can it matter to the reader?

So instead of informing the reader, involve them, emotionally. Make THEM care, not just KNOW.

[Farhan Shaikh]

This is amazing poem, I love to be happy and we can find happiness when we follow our fate where it takes us.

[Zoya]

True meaning of happiness portrayed here! Love, unity among the people can contribute to the mental well-being of each person on this planet as there would be nothing that can possibly make them sad, only happiness to be embraced! But nowadays, unfortunately, nothing such as this is seen...Anyway, this is thought-provoking and I enjoyed reading it!