Entry Eleven

October 15, 2010 - 7:55am

I just want one more chance.  I need her to give me that last chance to finally make things right where I was unable to before.  I didn’t know how bad it was, and for how long it’s been this bad.  It’s only been six weeks for me to try and get this right, yet for her it’s been months and in some cases it’s been years.  There is an immature side of me screaming how unfair all of this is, but I’m sure she sees it the same way.  How unfair it’s been that she’s been settling for second best.  She’s been settling for an existence that hasn’t been what she wanted.  I’m sure letting go of those thoughts is next to impossible, but that’s what I need her to do for this to work.  Not to mention she needs to do that so our children can have a solid foundation for their young lives.  Most importantly, she needs to do it for herself.  She deserves a better life than the one I’ve apparently provided her and that is so sad to think about, but it’s the reality of all of this.  I’m fighting a way against years of build-up and I’m not sure there’s any way to defeat that kind of emotional force.

 

I was very close to asking her to leave this morning but I can’t do it.  I need her too much, and as soon as she leaves it’s all over.  There would be no looking back.  I swore I would give everything I have to make this relationship succeed, and asking her to go would mean that I’ve given up.  I haven’t given up, and I’m sure I’m making a mistake by still hoping we can come together as we once had.  I just can’t let it go.  I’m refusing to let that thought of redemption go away.  In those moments where I do feel it all slipping away from me I go to some very dark places.  It affects me, my work, those around me, and most of all my children.

 

We have a dinner tonight with my parents and a fellow student of hers.  I’m really not in the mood for any of it honestly.  I just want to run away and hide for the weekend up at the cabin and be alone.  I need a break from all of this s**t.  I’m tired of the façade and feeling like I’m living a lie.  We’re pretending to everyone that our marriage is fine and strong when it isn’t.  It isn’t anywhere close.  It’s barely 8 o’clock in the morning and I already want to take a nap.  Being up at 4:30am and dealing with all of this is very taxing on the mind and body; I need some sort of respite.  Unfortunately I keep thinking that respite could be with my wife…but she doesn’t want me anymore.

 

I need to snap out of this funk.  I need to see the colors again, instead of this grayness covering everything.  This is all so difficult and I don’t see it getting any easier anytime soon.