Entry Ten

October 15, 2010 - 6:53am

Well, the reality is finally setting in that my wife has checked out.  Even though she keeps giving me little kernels of hope to cling to, I’m finding them less and less convincing.  She hasn’t left because “she has nowhere to go”, which really is ridiculous because if she wanted to leave bad enough she could find a place with her brother.  She offered up a suggestion that I could go live with my parents here in town, but I’m not the one that’s so unhappy.  To be clear I’m not happy with the current situation, but overall I’m still in love with her and don’t want her to go.  But I sure as hell won’t be doing her the favor of leaving to make it easier on her.  I want to give it everything I have to make sure there is no doubt, anywhere, that we don’t have a chance at survival.

 

I’m feeling some protective mechanisms starting to rear their ugly heads.  One in particular is when I feel things are getting fun and we’re laughing, I just want to turn it all off because it makes the fall that much worse.  I’m sure it’s similar to her situation where for years she would think everything was good just to be disappointed again.  So I think for the first time in my life I’m truly beginning to understand her level of frustration when it comes to this roller coaster…it’s agonizing.

 

What’s worse about all of this is that I still have to fully come to grips with the fact that my wife doesn’t want me anymore.  How f*****g painful is that?  It’s pretty much the hardest thing I’ve ever had to come to terms with.  I can do all of the things that she wants and needs, but because it’s me doing them, it just won’t matter.  The way she looks at it, and she confirmed this to me, “Why couldn’t you have done all of this over the last 13 years?”.  And when all of those thoughts permeate my mind goes to the fact that if she can’t get those things from me, she’ll get them from somewhere else, meaning another man.  Imagining my wife with another man is so painful and angering I can’t begin to describe it.  I feel violated and hurt and angry and resentful. 

 

What about the kids at that point?  How are they going to react to their Mother with someone who isn’t Daddy?  How are they going to feel when they see her holding someone else’s hand and hugging and kissing on him?  It’s making my stomach turn just thinking about all of this s**t but I’m supposed to be writing all of this here instead of talking about it with my wife, like this is helping one bit…it just makes me want to talk about it even more honestly.  I have no idea what to do with all of this.  I don’t know how to process these emotions because I had no idea it would ever, EVER come to this.  It’s a good thing alcohol and drugs don’t sound all too appealing to me at this point in my life, as it would be a good scene if that were the case.

 

I’m so angry right now.  So angry and sad at what life has become, and what it’s about to become.  What little hope I do have isn’t growing and when you’re hope is stripped from you, you’ve hit the lowest point.