Entry Four

October 12, 2010 – 10:38am

Another morning with some mixed feelings on the entire situation right now.  I’m not sure if being so busy with school is a good thing or if it’s detrimental to the relationship.  I’ve completely come to grips with her being so busy now that she’s carrying more units and having a heavier workload, so the resentment I used to have for school coming first is gone.  She needs to be able to focus on her school work, and it’s giving me the opportunity to be with the kids more.  I like that a lot.

 

But what I’m really wondering is what is going to happen when she gets a break from her schooling during the holidays.  Is that time going to work for us or against us?  Right now there are plenty of distractions to keep us busy, preventing us from making our current situation the focal point of our lives.  But when some of those distractions are eliminated, what happens then?  I think now is a very crucial time in this process because we can set up the foundations for when we do spend more time together.  We can prepare ourselves for what our new expectations are going to be, and what we can do to maximize our chances of success.

 

The last two nights have shown some improvement in that she can actually lay in bed with me before going to sleep, whereas before she couldn’t even do that because she was so used to having so much private time.  I was encroaching on that space and time, thus causing a lot of frustration for her.  We’re clearly still re-discovering our comfort zone with this huge shift in our lives.  I’m not playing any video games at all, and don’t even miss them.  That surprises me a little bit but in some ways I really didn’t think I would miss them due to the severity of the situation.

 

I really wish I would have known how serious this was prior to being so close to the end of her rope.  I could have saved her a lot of loneliness and pain had I realized what was happening.  Sometimes that is hardest part of all of this for me, and at other times I’m just so angry she didn’t have the ability to recognize it was getting this bad, or just chose not to discuss it with me.  Her being completely content with the notion of separation or divorce just blows me away.  I truly hope I get a real opportunity to make her realize what she means to me and that I’m willing to be the man she fell in love with, and even better than that as we continue the reparation process.