Entry Three

October 11, 2010 – 8:35am

I had a really good weekend, except for the fact that when we got to a bar together, she got on the phone with a friend and talked for an hour.  It was mind-blowingly rude to not only myself, but everyone else hosting the event.  It was very disappointing.  I’m sure the alcohol had something to do with her poor judgment though, and the rest of the evening was a lot of fun for both of us.

 

I keep getting a strange sense of dread though after good weekends like these.  I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I feel maybe I had a better time with her than she had with me, or if it has to do with her walls coming back up because she doesn’t want to feel vulnerable.  I think whenever we start getting it all going in the right direction her fear of all of this being a mirage starts to take over.  I’m not certain of it, and maybe it is my own fear being assumptive, it’s just a "gut" thing.

 

We were intimate last night, and I made the mistake asking her if she wanted me to stop.  It is clear I need to be more assertive and take over the situation instead of losing confidence.  If she’s allowing me to touch her, why would she want me to stop?  Again, I think it’s my own fear that she is just allowing it to happen because she feels obligated.  I don’t want her to feel obligated; I want her to WANT it to happen.  I must admit though, during and after the acts of intimacy, I’m very certain it was what she wanted.  It was a great night of love-making.

 

So here we are on another Monday, and I have some trace levels of doubt in myself.  I’ve been working very hard on eliminating my lack of confidence because being very confident is who I am.  I’m saying “Sorry” way too much and coming off like a very weak man.  What I really need to do is just be myself and walk with purpose, make whatever decision is in question and commit to it with confidence.  That will be a big step in the right direction for both she and myself.  She needs a man who can be the alpha when needed, yet also relinquish that control at the right times.  It’s a tough line to walk but I’ll get there soon.  I’m already seeing that it needs to happen and recognizing where I can make the needed changes.  That’s always the first step isn’t it?

 

I'm slowly getting my confidence back and I hope that is going to make things a lot better.  I feel I need to assert myself a little more without looking like I'm trying to be a dominant male type.  So here's to a good weekend and the week ahead.

 

I just need to keep on doing my thing and get stronger by removing some of this guilt I still harbor.  When I have a lot of guilt it takes my confidence and throws it out the window.  So as I cleanse my guilt it brings back that much-needed bit of confidence to be the man I can be.