Entry Two

October 8, 2010 – 9:40am

I feel better today for some strange reason.  I have a bit more confidence in myself and who I’m becoming.  I had breakfast with my children this morning at Donuts with Dad, and we had a great time seeing their friends, our neighbors, and even some of my old schoolmates.  I received a loving hug and a few kisses from her, and they felt good…warm.  It helped me immeasurably, and provided me with hope.  Hope is the only thing I want to cling to in times like these and I continue to find little glimmers throughout my days lately.  They are hard to find because there are many things blocking them, but I search frequently to part the clouds and remind myself that hope is out there.

 

I’ve had some brief moments of doubt resulting in tremors within my stomach.  But this is to be expected isn’t it?  I really don’t think anyone in my current situation would be able to completely block out the pain and anxiety that goes with where I sit right now.

 

I told her today that I realize it has mostly been about me over the last few days, and what I’m going through.  I reassured her that I’m here for her if she needs anything at all.  It’s paramount to me that she knows how I’m not just thinking about myself during this situation, but instead I think about how I can help her feel like her true self again.  So she can be the bright and shining star that I fell in love with, and continue to gravitate toward.  When I see glimpses of a connection between us, I want to make them last as long as possible.  But it is difficult with her protective state the way it is right now.  She just won’t let me in.