A trek

A mystery in the middle of...

“Mind a cup of coffee?” �" A smiling shopkeeper of probably my age.

“Thanks, would love one.” �" Unburdened from the backpack and relaxed on the bench of the shop.

“Back from a journey it seems, where did you trek to?” �" The face still smiling, behind a steaming kettle.

I pointed yonder-atop the mountains that stretched behind me, noticing the surprise in his eyes as his smile faded. “Are you serious, you went up there?”

“Hell yeah! I indeed am coming from that top.” �" Pointing again to the same place, a little worried �" “Why do you ask? What is so strange about that?”

“Nothing. Never mind. Care to share the experience?” �" Excitement mixed with fear was prominent in his voice.

“Sure mate” �" lighting up a cigarette �"“I really had a great experience there, especially during the night”

“What happened at the night?” �" The restlessness in his eyes was prominent.

“…the day was short. With the evening setting in and the breeze getting colder, I decided to settle inside my tent. I managed a bottle of whiskey from a local shopkeeper and relaxed in the warmth of the tent. The faint light from my torch created a mysterious sight. I could hear a drizzle that with time intensified. I was almost a bottle down when it seemed that a gush of water splashed over my tent. The sound was tremendous but what scared me more were the distant but distinct helpless screams of the people. I thought of going out of the tent but with the slightest move I knew I wasn’t in a state to do so. With more water splashing over my tent I was sure there was nothing I could do even if I did go out…” �" I paused unknowingly, may be for quite some time until he broke the silence.

“Go on. What happened then?”

“I don’t know. I lost my senses perhaps. The next thing I remember is that I woke up in a shop today. How and when I reached the shop has faded away. Neither had I enough time to ask and put apiece the forgotten part of the night…” �" I looked at him, confused perhaps.

“All you say is what I don’t mean” �" he sighed with disbelief.

“Why so? Don’t people go up there?” �" I asked bluntly.

He went into the shop asking me to sit for a while. When he came back he was more gloom. Handing over a newspaper cutting he asked me to read it.

What the newspaper had on it printed could be briefed as �"

“… there had been a downpour, unpredictable like most mountain rains but of a much higher intensity, as if there had been a cloud burst. A flood followed the disaster flushing out the entire place that I spent my last night at. Three shops that had been serving tourists up there from the time the place came to be known flowed away with the flood. Quite a number of tourists lost their lives too…” �" the inset had the photographs of the three shopkeepers, one of whom I recognized as the owner of the shop I woke up at, today.

What surprised me more was the date the news was published. It was a couple of years back.

Author's Note

Criticize and tell me how did it go.

Reviews

[suchitra sarmah]

i like the ending..and the style of writing too

[jennifer little]

nice story I liked it keep up the good work had great flow to the story

[Ryan Henderson]

I agree with Anvinash, it certainly WAS an effective thriller. Thank you for sharing!

[Avinash]

It sent shiver down my spine in the penultimate line. That was an accidental rhyme. :P Jokes apart It was an effective thriller. Really worked.

[Dipanjan Dutta]

Thanks mate for reading and saying something nice. ;) The accidental rhyme meant a lot :D

[AprilRN1210]

This was interesting and had a little twist at the end that makes you think.. I just had quite a few places I stumbled with phrasing, punctuation, and grammar… I tried to catch and offer suggestions on most of the parts.. not an English expert.. just trying to help..


“Mind a cup of coffee?” " A smiling shopkeeper of probably my age…. This is a fragment.. would reword it some kind of way.. maybe (smiled a shopkeeper that looked around my age)… something like that…

(“Thanks, would love one.” " Unburdened from the backpack and relaxed on the bench of the shop.”)… again fragmented.. depending on scene you want to create, as to how you would word it.. maybe something like.. (“Thanks, I would love one,” I smiled back as I removed my backpack and relaxed on the couch.)

(“Back from a trek it seems, where did you trek to?” " The face still smiling from behind a steaming kettle)… would change one of the “treks” to a different word and again, fragmented when worded this way.. maybe something like… (“Back from a journey it seems, where did you trek to?” questioned the friendly face still smiling behind a steaming kettle.)

(I pointed yonder, atop the mountains that stretched behind me not failing to notice the surprise in his eyes. The smile has almost faded, I know not why but he didn’t mind giving me the cup of coffee.
“Are you serious you went up there?” " Uncanny expressions in his eyes.)…
would combine these two… and change wording a little.. flows so much better and cuts out words that detract and distract..
(I pointed (over) yonder-atop the mountains that stretched behind me, noticing the surprise in his eyes as his smile faded. “Are you serious, you went up there?”)

(An excitement mixed with fear)… would leave out “an”.. not needed..

("“I really had a great experience there, especially the night”)…. Doesn’t make sense worded this way.. Would maybe say “ especially during the night”.. or especially late at night.. or maybe.. especially that last night.. something like that..

“…so as you see the day was brief since I reached late and nothing much happened. But the night was quite exciting. I must admit I was afraid at a point of time.” " stopped for a sip on the coffee.
Fragmented here again… also needs some punctuation and would probably combine.. maybe something like.. ( “…so as you see, the day was brief since I reached late. Nothing much happened, but the night was quite exciting. I must admit, I was afraid at one particular point in time,” I said, pausing to sip on my coffee.)

(He was restless " “What happened at the night?” " speaking for the first time since I started my story..)……..how was he restless?.. show the reader.. what was he doing?. Was he fidgeting in his seat, eyes darting, breathing increasing, body movements?... wouldn’t say “at the night”.. maybe something like… “What happened that was so exciting?” He asked, speaking for the first time since starting my story.

(I could feel something fishy but somewhat ignoring it I continued.)… stumbled. .would maybe add some punctuation…. (I could feel something fishy, but ignoring it, I continued.)

(to give a sight).. would leave out the “a”… not needed and makes you stumble.. .
(I could hear a drizzle has started that with time intensified.)…..feels weird worded this way to me.. maybe something like…. (I could hear a drizzle starting- one that with time only intensified)…
(I was almost a bottle down when it seemed that a gush of water splashed over my tent.)…. Did it seem or did it actually splash?... would cut out “it seemed that”.. and just say.. (I was almost a bottle down when a gush of water splashed over my tent.)

(The sound was tremendous and what scared me more were the distant but distinct and helpless screams of people.)…. Would change the first “and” to but… and delete the second “and”.. (The sound was tremendous, but what scared me more was the distant, but distinct helpless screams of terror.)
( even if I go out. )… would say “even if I did go out”.. flows better..

(I probably have lost my senses then for I don’t remember nothing more.”)… stumble here too. maybe just keep short and simple.. (I don’t remember anything after that)

(idea of how and when did I leave my tent.)… would say “idea of how and when I left my tent)

[Dipanjan Dutta]

Thanks a lot April for the corrections. Its a pleasure you devoted time to review my writing. I surely will make the necessary changes

[AprilRN1210]

you're welcome.. anytime... glad I could help.. :)

[Pushkar Prabhat]

well, it is quite good.........very well written......
But it gets very predictable.........(maybe it was just me; i watch like tons of movies)
engaging and entertaining!!!
i liked it!!!
:)

[Dipanjan Dutta]

Thanks for stopping by and giving me a genuine review Pushkar...

[Pushkar Prabhat]

you are welcome............ :) :)