Help me please

I could have helped you if only I wasn't in need of it either.

Her left hand cried out for help. She could see her there. For a moment it seemed that she was coming in aid of her as she stretched out her opposite arm, towards her. But then that face too grieved pain much like her. And there they fell on their face, at the same time and blood oozing out through their neck, both gasping for breath.

Undamaged still is the mirror between them.

Author's Note

Criticize

Reviews

[MoriartyMesa]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWP6Qki8mWc

[Dipanjan Dutta]

That one is one of my favourites of Beatles..thanks for sharing the video URL

[AprilRN1210]

this one is thought-provoking and pretty vivid in detail.. I love the message expressed here as well.. you have done this in a very creative, affecting way that not only "shocks" the audience, but done in a thought-provoking powerful way that stays with you long after you finish reading.. If I could offer a few suggestions or hints on where and how I was confused.. (just my opinion.. )

"she could see her there".. where?.. off in the distance?.. just on other side of room?.. in her head?...

you use "she" in previous sentence and then in next sentence, so not sure if talking about initial lady crying out for help or the one seeming as if coming to her aid.. not sure how to change this around exactly, but admit was confusing to me...

the next line maybe describe how a face seems to be grieving and in pain instead of just telling us that it is... makes it more vivid if you show us..

"And there they fell on their face(s), at the same time(-)blood oozing out of their neck(s), both gasping for breath.."

love the last line... makes you think!.. overall this is pretty awesome writing... first I have read of yours, and look forward to more:)

[Dipanjan Dutta]

Thanks a lot... appreciate your detailed review for that is needed... while I agrre with the edits
"And there they fell on their face(s), at the same time(-)blood oozing out of their neck(s), both gasping for breath.."

However, the one as you said, "she could see her there".. where?..

Answer to this right here will not bring the long lasting effect (if any) in the readers after the last line.

And the use of "she" is kind of intended to confuse the readers, yet again to get the essence of the last line...

Thanks again for the suggestions though.

[AprilRN1210]

I understand and respect the vagueness of the piece.. and respect your thoughts.. true, "right there" would not add any effect that is wanted in the reader.. think a little more detail here might.. but again respect your opinion as it is your piece and you know the effect you want.. can see your point with the "she".. definitely confused me.. got it after a few reads though.. :D
you are more than welcome.. like I said, it is a very well written piece and I enjoyed it!... can't wait to read more.

[Dipanjan Dutta]

It is indeed a pleasure when someone appreciates my writing, and more in so much details...its an honor... :)

[Sophy Freebirds]

This reminds me of my poen Humbled hubris. Its the same concept too. I ain't accusing you of plagiary. But well the clever part was mention of the word opposite. It made the bells ring in my brain. The last line just did the cementing job. A wonderful concept of desperation to save a rotting soul.

~Sophy :)

[Dipanjan Dutta]

Thanks Sophy for such a detailed review

[Azure]

This is amazing i could sense the desperation of the characters wonderful vivid imagery perfect Story :P

[Dipanjan Dutta]

Thanks Az...its not apoem though...but a review is always encouraging...

[Azure]

oops sorry lol and np

[Coyote Poetry]

The poem is amazing. You create place, situation and possibility. I felt one person trying to save themselves and failing. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Dipanjan Dutta]

Thanks Coyote for the review

[Avinash]

There are two ways to look at it. One we can not help another because we are also in trouble. Or we are in trouble because we do not help another. Imagery is smart. Enjoyed reading it.

[Dipanjan Dutta]

Indeed so...and actually it can be looked upon in a number of ways...based on the reader's perception

[Gurleen Saluja]

Nicely penned sir. A thought provoking write. A limited set of words describing vastly a situation.
Thanks for sharing. :)

[Dipanjan Dutta]

Thanks Surleen for your kind words..

[Gurleen Saluja]

Gurleen please :)

[Dipanjan Dutta]

Oops...that was a typo...extremely sorry Gurleen

[Gurleen Saluja]

Need not be sorry. It's okay :)

[Sami Khalil]

I like the reflection of agony and pain and how one hand wanted to help the other but both are in the same predicament. Excellent...:).......

[Dipanjan Dutta]

Thanks for a review Sami

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome...:)........

[priya]

Amazing imagination, and I read it thrice before I could abstract what you meant by this piece of work..I dont feel there is anything to critize in it...its captivating.. ;)

[Dipanjan Dutta]

Thanks Priya for such a beautiful review...reviews and appreciation from readers is always inspiring...and this one just came into my mind ibserving people who blame others for net helping them without knowing the reason for so...

[priya]

its actually heart breaking to realize people seldom understand others' point of view and become judgemental.. thanks for sharing such a wonderful piece.. :)

[Dipanjan Dutta]

The pleasure is all mine... :)

[priya]

as you say.. :D