A Look At My Looks

A journal writing exercise from the K12 HS Creative Writing Club. A 'venting' journal post, free of restriction.

Dear Diary Exercise... March 21, 2012

It's sometimes very hard sometimes to feel beautiful when everything around you tells you that you aren't. I can't really explain how I feel about myself, but even just walking through the stores and seeing all the pretty clothes is simply depressing. It's fine at first, but imagining myself in it how I'd like to look, and how I know I'd look, it's two totally different images.

I sort of hate my body, and love it at the same time. I appreciate that I'm not a stick, and I like being able to fill out certain outfits with the curves that I do have, but at the same time it's a slap in the face when I am not curvy enough to have something fit me properly, or too big to fit something else.

It doesn't help that all the boys I know are superficial, and don't like me because I'm not a size 0. I know I'm not fat, but sometimes I feel like it. I know it's better to have brains than beauty, but why can't I have both?

I think I am my worst critic, but if I don't do it nobody else will. Everyone is quick to say you're beautiful, but they never mean it. They never tell you why. They never sit and listen when you want to vent about how horrible you feel sometimes.

I'm too happy to be depressed, the way they see it. But maybe I'm not too happy to be depressed. Maybe I'm just depressed enough, and sometimes not too depressed to be happy.

Nobody thinks I make sense, really, whether they say it to my face or not. Nobody will understand the way that I feel, and I can't say why I feel how I feel, because I don't know.

Sometimes I feel okay, and other times I don't. Rarely do I feel honestly good about myself. It's a mundane existence sometimes. Burdened with work, stress, and expectations. Sometimes I'd just like to pause the game for a while.

Author's Note

Reviews welcome...

Reviews

[Ami N.]

This is a piece that I'm sure we can all relate to. Well, I can definitely say that for myself. To say it plainly, I'm on the short side, so a pound I gain looks like ten on me. I've had moments when my biggest enemy was the mirror and the weighing scale.
But then, I stopped looking at myself and started looking at others. I realized that, well, everyone has some flaws. I've never, in my life, met someone that I would describe as 'ugly' and only one out of a hundred are actually 'pretty'. But then, when I look at the globs of makeup they put on, that perception changes too.
I stepped out of the 'obsessing over my body' circle, and I realized that everyone was so busy criticizing themselves, that they payed no attention to me. And if I ever asked, the answer would always be 'you're soo pretty!'. And then back to obsessing over themselves. Like you said, everyone is their own biggest critic.
I've realized that the people that matter don't judge you by what you look like. And there's many times I've wanted to vent about what I look like, and I'm so glad I have my friends to do that with. Because they listen, and they know that I am more than what I look like.
And I agree with you. Sometimes, I wish I could pause the game of life too.

[JadeForever]

i like how you explained all her feelings...I can really relate..

[~Dragon X]

As many others have put already, I feel the same too sometimes. XD I'm going to keep my review short and simple, because I'm tardy on this review and everyone else said what I hoped to say. It's like a painting you make. Everyone says "that's so pretty!" And "OMG THAT'S LIKE TOTALLY AWESOME" but all you see are flaws, because you're the painter.

[Lina Grey]

I think you make sense. I feel that way too sometimes, and I find your line about being "not too depressed to be happy", rather than the other way around, to be quite appropriate. Everyone always tells me how attractive they think I am, but when I look in the mirror, all I can see are the flaws. I also like how these feelings relate to much more than just looks. It really gets on about opinions, relations, and comunications, leading into deeper issues than openly discussed.
Also, it's helpful to understand that nearly everyone who reads this can relate. I have yet to meet someone who I would consider one-hundred percent naturally pretty. Everyone has flaws and imperfections, and those who seem like they couldn't tend to hide them with make-up or other artificial, superficial masks. On the other hand, I don't know anyone I would consider truly ugly, either. Perhaps this is because when I look at someone I see more than just their body, I also see their personality, so my opinion of their looks is influenced by my opinion of their personality and everything they are. This tends to smudge the line between "ugly" and "pretty".
You are correct, everyone is their worst critic, because if they don't no one will. I could never had said that better and don't need to explain to you or comment on something you clearly understand. This was a beautiful, raw write. Thank you.

[Lowesy]

ya know what? I feel the same sometimes, I have big feet, and it's hard to find shoes that fit all the time.... I have ugly feet haha :D Seriously though, I do kind of feel the same, probably not on the same level as I know most women have their insecurities about certain things which as a man I'm not programmed to understand, but it's hard when you have friends who are rugby players so they're 6ft 7 and weigh 17 stones, and others who are extreme sports enthusiasts so fit as a fiddle with massive arms, people say I'm alright looking and have a decent personality but I do get where you're coming from