The Day Before My 19th Birthday

A guy who is living his last year as a teen sees himself in the mirror

Molly didn't come today. I had to go home alone. I was smiling on the way. Well, Molly had told me that other girls had nicknamed me "Mr. Smiley" because I always smile.

I was just rational about two goals and a three point I scored. I always loved football and perhaps there was not a single day I didn't dribble a ball in my high school. However, I sensed the circumference of basketball only when I joined the university. And within two months I had learned a lot. Josh told me I could be able to catch up the play really fast. I mean, I am just an inch short of being 6 feet (damn) and I really like to jump and head the ball while I play soccer. My height and jumping ability really aided me to play basketball. When I started, I couldn't score a basket from a close range, let alone 3 points. Now I could score 6 out of 10 three points I tried.

There was another reason for my grin, tomorrow my 19^th birthday. I don't know what the day is going to be like. I was just excited. As I was walking by I got a message from Future, a friend from high school. He was a good friend, we studied together for 10 years. The message read, "Free this evening? I need to buy a jersey." Future always played football bare foot, now he buys football shoes every week, must be influenced by his new buddies around him. He used to talk so sweet, girls called him "choco-pie" back in school. I guess he isn't that sweet anymore, he has to cuss two or three times a sentence. He says, "Slang are so common in college."

It has just been a couple of months I have joined the university, I find this life completely contrasting to my high school life. I feel independent. I had Future and his gang at school, we used to be together every time. Things are different now and it makes me feel how much other have changed. And that message from Future really pissed me as he had already bought three jerseys last month. He seldom put jersey when we played together. Not only Future, everyone seems altered. Now, when I look back, they had been changing and I was so close to them that I never figured that out. They say we see better from a distance. And when I look at me, I see the same me, not a change.

Last week on our way back Molly took me to a café. She said, "Do you drink?" And I responded, as I always do when someone asks me that question, "Yes, cold drink." She giggled so hard that we were center of attention of everyone else around us. I don’t mind it because I love making someone laugh. I never wanted to drink. It's not that I hated, but I didn't care about it. I had never gone out to night club nor to a dance party. My life was so common and elemental that there was no such thing called fun or young, wild and free.

You might reckon my parents are restrictive. If so, take a look at my elder brother, 4 years older. Consider yourself lucky if you ever find him in his room. He is always out with his friends, travelling (to drink), going clubs (to drink) or having a party (to drink). Or with his chick (you know why). I can tell you, unlike me, he is "grown up". We occasionally go out to have lunch and the first thing he does is ask for a cigarette and a can of beer. I have never lit a cigarette while he smokes like a pro. He isn't a chain smoker, but he smokes in a different style. Last week we went to a restaurant, me, my brother and his girlfriend. And they both exhaled rings of smoke, racing and challenging who creates a bigger ring.

Taking about girlfriend, I got a call yesterday form my cousin, said he had a break up. The thing is, he is just 13. It makes me feel mortified as I have never been in a relationship and I feel I can never be in one. Making a girl laugh and impressing them are two entirely polar abilities. I lack the later. It has been a few days that these thoughts are hitting my mind like a sledge hammer. Am I too childish? Have I not grown up? Was I cerebrally same 10 years back? Was I too much in shadow of my friends that I never figured out what is going on? Will I never grow up? Can I never impress? Will I always be drinking coke?

Then a drop of rain fell on my arm and my brain rested a while. And within a no time it was a downpour. I was completely soggy. I rushed to a cafe. I ordered soup and fish and chips. I was a kind of worried as I knew my mom would scold the hell out of me. And over again I was back in the cerebration business. A guy, who will be living his final year as a teen is scared of his mother shouting at him. I took a glance at my shirt to see how much wet it was. The shirt was bought by my mother. I am not really selective in clothing, like a kid may be. Yesterday I couldn't help but eavesdrop while Kate and Jolly were having a chat. Hearing my name, I said, "What were you just saying?" Jolly said, "I was just telling that you are so sweet and helpful and the way you crack jokes and….."

I took my phone out to see what time it was. Then I opened music. Same old songs I used to enjoy five years ago. Not a single "classy" song. Not a metal song I had. Anyone who looked into my music library could tell I have no good taste for music. Then I came to a conclusion, yes I never changed. I am still a kid. I never grew up. I can never impress, not in this state.

Then I see waiter bringing my order. Can I change? Shall I do something, initiate, on a day before my 19th birthday? Think harder, I need to grow up. There was this apathy killing me.

My order is on the table. "Anything else sir?" the waiter asks. "Yes, a cigarette."