Clouds of Smoke

When anger is left bottled up inside, it is like a volcano waiting to erupt.

I curl my fists as heavy lungs pant.
Internally storing my temper, my rant.
My raging pulse like a violent chant.
Today I can't. Right now I can't!

You taunt me making me feel small.
Your stupid words make no sense at all.
I must steady my breath lest I fall,
And my fleeting composure I must recall.

I hate when you make fun of me.
Your evil smile is all I see.
I'm bound in rage no longer free.
You did this! Now you must flee,

Before I strike you down again.
I can't control myself when,
Anger's fire roars within me then,
My sword becomes mightier than my pen.

Clenched fists, nostrils flared.
I can now see that you never cared.
I have just the right punishment prepared.
And yes, you should be really REALLY scared!

Reviews

[emipoemi]

Your musicality is choppy through the occasional line, but the message and rhymes are on point! Well done! Much enjoyed!

[Dianne S Penfold]

I break up the flow and the rhythm of the lines intentionally. It is kind of what I do in most of my poetry. Thank you :)

[emipoemi]

but if you do that, then you force the musicality to land in odd places, and by extension mar the poem as a whole. Musicality is not something that should be deliberately tampered with, for in theory it's the crux of any piece. Deliberate musicality tampering should merely be done in satire or meta otherwise it runs the risk of ruining the piece as a whole.

It's ultimately your call, but just giving my two cents. For, truly if this is your thing when you write, it wasn't as prominent in the first poem I reviewed, which I say again is divine! (The "cocoon" factor is the only factor that struck me as odd). But this one, maybe because you're setting it in a different, more strict rhythm that a bunch of lines don't flow as well as you're wanting them too.

Play around with it as you will, but again, it's your call. I'm just stating my suggestions and advice.

[Dianne S Penfold]

Thanks for your advice. I appreciate it. :) I just mess with the flow based on what I'm feeling when I write. Not everything has to flow everytime. I do not know if this will make sense to anyone else but me, but I do like poetry that is rugged and Somewhat broken. That's what I write a lot of the times. The work I publish here, is just a fraction of my work.

[emipoemi]

poetry can be rugged and still have good flow, that's where the craft comes in. And I'm just saying that if you want to be rugged, the poem has to flow that way in its musicality. If you feel it, let it flow that way, but in so doing, the visual aesthetic should also correspond to everything. I always say "shut your brain off" - let your feelings do the writing. The poem knows what it wants. Just follow. Again, it's your call. Just giving my two cents.

[Dianne S Penfold]

I do not agree with your advice. Our styles seem different. Some people get my work, some don't. You didn't and thats fine.

[W R Stowe]

Nice display of temper and self control

[Dianne S Penfold]

Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it

[W R Stowe]

your quite welcome