Poppy Fields

Inspired by William Stone WW1 veteran who died aged 108 on 10 Jan 09 and everyone who has given their lives fighting for freedom.

 

Watching the action rising

Above torn boundaries, I know

The Angel of Mons sheds a tear

Raining on victims below.

Young men in their prime

In muddy trenches fought

Until their time expired

Their dreams began to rot

In these patchwork fields

Seeds of hope were sewn

They gave their short lives

In poppy fields they've grown.

D.Hinson

Author's Note

I am thinking about extending this...one day. �rd draft. Thanks to everyone, esp Emma for the suggestions. This is definitely a work in progress.

Reviews

[Jon Gary Frost]

i enjoyed your historical references in this piece. In reading some of the reviews it seems you have made some amendments to this piece.

One suggestion. The first stanza still seems a little off. The "watching the action I know" sounds,at first glance, like you are saying you know the "action" not "I know the angel cries". It seems like you may have changed some of the "belows" based on Katherine Halls review. It might flow better with something like:

Rising above torn boundaries
Watching the action unfold below
The Angel of Mons sheds a thousand tears
to match the lives this day cut low.

Something along those lines.......

Left alone, a very good poem. Tweaked a tad and could be something great.

[Amber Elaine Marshall]

I love it very heartfelt.You do a great job using strong descriptive words and symbolism.I do agree with with your thought of extending it,I think it would make a much better read by giving it a lil' more to it.

[Ama May Cooper]

Hmm im some what diaspointed by this piece. Your work has been one ive been reading for a while but this has somewhat let me down.
Even so the message is clear and easy to dechpier i think you are write extending it is something it needs but altogether still a good piece that cputures the morning quite well

[emmajoy]

A gentle and sincere tribute to all men and women who've died in battle and, for freedom.

Whilst this poem is brief - as per some interviewers, I think its brevity is the heart of any such tribute, you say or write too much, the post could become melodramatic.

I wonder about slightly altering the first and second line as follows:

'Watching the action rising
Above torn boundaries, I know
The Angel of Mons sheds a tear
Raining on the victims below'

Only my thoughts.

Thank you so much for asking me to review, it's been a pleasure, if not a sad one.

[Deborah Leah Krempa]

A very well written poem. I will never understand war of any kind. It's all senseless and heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing. Debileah

[QuietPoet]

This was good, but I want more! lol It seems you can add a lot more. But nice emotion and heartfelt.

[Katherine Hall]

In Flanders field, the poppies grow.
great flow to this poem, and I would argue that the length is fine as is. Stanza 1, however, feels a bit awkward (the repeated use of 'below', for example). I would strongly consider revising that opening stanza, as it will have a lot of effect on how the reader will take in the rest of the poem.
Good work!
~Katherine

[Twilight]

A fine poem, but a little short? Even so, it is a sincere poem and flows rather well. The sentiments which it expresses, are also very worthy ones. Clearly, this is a homage to the bravery of those who died, fighting in the cause of freedom.

"Their dreams began to rot". This line (in verse two), represents the soldiers losing their idealism. Or, it could be expressing their loss of hope?

"The gave up their short lives". This line remined me, that many of the soliders would have beebn so young in this war. Also, they have exchanged their own lives for those of others. Obviously, some of the values and ideas of this poem, could apply to other wars than the one to which the writer refers (in her description). Another fine entry in my Contest! Thankyou, Dianah!