One

The waves of the ocean crashing on the shore, the birds flying through the windy air, and the cool salty water of the beach. It feels that I am in peace within the presence of this place. My father’s idea of summer this time was actually awesome. Ever since my mother died, every summer we’d just stay in the house, as if it’s just like a normal Saturday or Sunday. Maybe he actually recovered already, or maybe not. Losing a love one is very hard, and when you realize that the person you love is not beside you anymore, all of the memories suddenly flashes before your eyes… And that’s the hardest part of all, remembering those moments in the past with that one person whom you cannot see nor touch anymore. I love my mother so much, and I know my father love her so much too, but after she died it was very hard to approach my father. It feels as if he lost everything when she died, but he forgot I’m still here with him, and I will never let him feel that loneliness ever again. All those sleepless nights was so hard for me, and after a few hours I leave the house to go to school. And when I get back, it seems that my father has already gone to work, but every night that he got back from the office it’s always the same…seeing him drunk, hearing him crying, and shouting my mother’s name. My mother was so lucky to have someone to love her that much, but it seems that because of that strong love it became the reason for my father to loose himself. I would never want that to happen to me….

“Sam! Samantha! Come inside it’s getting dark already, if you stay longer in the beach you’ll catch a cold..”

So, this is me walking towards the house of my mother’s sister, Cameron, spending our summer with her, in her place, her beach house… And it’s so amazing, who wouldn’t want to live near the beach.

“Hey Cam! I love your place, I mean the back of your house is the beach… And that’s really cool…Thanks for letting me and Dad stay here for the summer”

“Yeah, me and Cliff needed some company… you’re mom also loves this place so much, and her favorite spot was at the beach.. Well, it’s also really great that you and you’re Dad are staying here for your summer vacation kiddo, I’ve missed you guys so much..”

“I’ve missed you too! Well, let’s get inside… I’m starving”

“Sure! Let’s go, it seems that you’re dad and Cliff are the Chef’s for this night”

Cameron’s place is the best, it can already be called as a paradise. Even though she doesn’t have it all for herself, at least she shares it with her boyfriend. I still wonder, when will Cliff be ready to propose to her?.... It’s been 4 years…. Isn’t that enough?... Well, I guess there are some love cases where you can’t predict anything. While their all busy with the cooking, I’m here in the living room looking at some old pictures of Cameron, Cliff, Dad, and Mom. They look so happy, why did my mom got Cancer.. that only proves that life can sometimes be so unfair, whether you are good or bad. Next Saturday will be my 18^th birthday, and it’s the 2^nd birthday I’ve had without my mother by my side. I wonder if my dad still remember my birthday, last year, I was the one who reminded him that it was my birthday and all he did was give me three hundred bucks. I know it’s a lot, but I’d rather spend my birthday with him by my side. The father I used to know, the father before my mother died.

Since this summer was my dad’s idea, I wonder if he’s already moving forward. I know that it’s very hard to accept that mom will never return to us, but we have no choice but to move on, that’s life. I love mom so much and it’s very hard to imagine a life without her, but I need to accept the fact that she will never return. I need to be strong especially for dad, he will be raising me all on his own, and it’s not easy being a single parent.

“ Sam! Dinner’s ready!..”

“Yeah, I’m coming!”

“Hmmm… The food is absolutely amazing!”

“Well, it seems that your father hasn’t forgot his spot at the kitchen and of course, my boyfriend Cliff is one of the best chefs of this generation as well..”

My dad just smiled at Cam and Cliff without even a single word. In two years, this was the first time I had a real conversation during dinner. And it was with Cam and Cliff, although my Dad was also at the table, he chooses to eat his dinner silently especially when most of our topics was about Mom’s happy memories. I know that deep inside my Dad is feeling pain, but I can’t blame Cam, she talks about Mom so much because she simply misses her. Unlike my father, he chose to be silent whenever a topic about Mom is being talked about. I know that he misses her a lot as well, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. For him, whenever we talk about Mom all of the pain suddenly returns and he couldn’t do anything about it.

When Dad was finished eating, he stood up, placed his dishes at the sink and went straight upstairs to his room. He might’ve been tired or maybe he was not happy with us talking about Mom. I know that Cam and Cliff have also noticed Dad’s actions, yet they chose to be silent because they know why Dad was like that during our Dinner. And I think Cam felt bad, because she was the one who brought up all the topics about Mom, but as I’ve said before I couldn’t blame her, she just misses Mom so much. After eating, Cliff took all the dishes to the sink and Cam kissed my forehead and said goodnight, and she also told me that my room is upstairs first door to the right. I also said goodnight, and I also told her that she shouldn’t blame herself for the way Dad acted a while ago. She smiled at me, and told me to get some sleep because tomorrow she will be touring me around Boracay.

….I can see my mother at the beach calling me and smiling at me, her smile was as beautiful as before. Those sparkling blue eyes that shimmered through the sunny day and her long brown hair that smelled like lavender. I miss everything about her and now I can see her, I kept on walking and walking but it seems that I’m too far away. I started to run but I was too late her image became blurry until she completely disappeared….

Another dream about my mom, I kept on wondering on why I always have these dreams where I can’t reach my mom. Is there something she wants to tell me? I couldn’t share my dreams with anyone especially my dad. It’s bad enough just to talk about mom, but to tell him that I kept on having these dreams about her, that would really make him upset.

As I checked the clock on the night table beside my bed, I saw that it was just 6am. I was shocked, because back in California, I never woke up as early as 6am. Perhaps, my body is still adjusting, since the Philippines is too far away from California. And at least my jetlag have already eased a bit. I twist and turn in my bed, but as much as I want to return to my slumber, my body is contradicting what I want. So, I got up, wore my grey sweater and went to the backyard to walk for a bit. A morning stroll at the beach is maybe just what I needed. And as I was walking and staring at the ocean, I was mesmerized by the beauty of the sun rising from the middle of the ocean. It was too beautiful to completely endure the thought of it in my head. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful than this. Maybe it was a great idea that I didn’t return to sleep. I stopped walking and sat down on the sand, and just stared at the sun rising from the ocean. I could remained like this forever, I thought. I never want to leave this place, especially this very moment.

 

*Beep..Beep..*

I was surprised by the sound and vibration that I felt from within my pocket, and when I checked my phone I saw that there was a text message from my best friend back at California.

“Hey! What you up to? Are you already at the beach? There’s no harm in updating your best friend, DUH?!”

I just laughed when I read her text message, by reading it I can already hear her blabbering mouth. Even though Clarisse is like that, she’s the only one I can trust in this complicated world. Nobody understands me better than her. We’ve been best friends since 6^th grade. I was new at the school, and luckily I ended up sitting next to her, and by the 2^nd period she was already borrowing my colored pencils, but it was no big deal. By the time that lunch break came, she insisted that I should join her and from that period, I knew that she would eventually be really close to me.

“Not much, just sitting at the beach by myself..”

I knew that she wouldn’t reply right away, she’s probably still asleep. And now I am back to my own world. I hate this peaceful atmosphere. It just makes my mind alive and full of useless thoughts. It’s better if I had someone to talk to, rather than sitting here at the beach all alone with these thoughts of mom, dad, and my s****y life.

I’m beginning to feel the summer heat, I checked my watch and realized that it was already 8AM. I’ve been sitting here for two hours, better get inside to see if they’re already awake.

As I opened the sliding door, I saw Cameron in the kitchen cooking pancakes.

“Smells good”

“Oh hey, went to the beach? Everybody’s still asleep, just thought I should prepare breakfast already”

“Want me to set up the table?”

“That would be great, thanks Sam”

So I went to the top cabinets and grabbed some plates and mugs, and I also grabbed the forks and knives in the bottom drawer. I placed them neatly at the table. I realized as I was setting up the table, all I remember while helping Cam, was none other than my mother. I remember how I always help her in setting up the table, and there are also times where I would help her cut some vegetables. How I wish to trade anything in the world just to have those moments with her again.

“Hey you finish there?”

“Uhm. Yeah”

“Good, take your seat and I’ll wake the others.”

I know what she’s doing. She’s making us whole again, especially on the side of my father. And I want to thank her so much for her effort, but it seems that the father I used to know is already gone. I think that even if I told her that, she wouldn’t give up, and I know the reason why. It’s all because of me. She thinks that my life would be ruined if my Dad continues to act like that. But it’s really no big deal. As long as I’m with him, everything’s fine. I’m old enough to understand how my Dad feels, and I will never leave his side no matter what. Because at the end of the day I’m his daughter and he’s still my father. No matter how hard it gets I’ll stand by his side.

Dad’s awake, and Cliff is being dragged by Cam by the arm to get him moving. It seems that the both of them are not really morning people.

“Okay let’s eat, I prepared pancakes, bacons, and eggs.” Cameron said with a big smile plastered at her face.

Well, the meal was great. Everyone was quite as they ate their meal, it seems that none of them are really morning people. After eating Cam and Cliff cleaned the table, I wanted to help but she insisted on me going out and having fun. I don’t really get it. She knows that I don’t know any people here besides her and Cliff, to think that we’re in an Asian country and I’m an American, who don’t know their culture nor their language. I heard that Filipinos are good in English, but that’s still not the people. I’m not good in socializing, as much as possible I would rather stay in the house, watch a few movies or just read a few books. Call me introvert or anti-sociable, I don’t really care. It’s how I roll.