Imbecile Stupider

A stupid story about a boy called Imbecile.

 

 

Life’s unfair. It gives gold to crap people and crap to gold people. But sometimes someone up there pays attention and gets everything in order. And Imbecile Stupider was made by that someone paying attention. When Imbecile Stupider was born, that was on 28^th February 1992, the first thing that came rushing out of his parents' and five elder sisters’ mouth in unison was, “Why does he look bored?” The doctors ran some tests on him and they all came back normal. He was just really bored, that was all the explanation they could give. Imbecile didn’t cry or laugh or even essayed a smile until he was a week older. He scratched his forehead and picked his nose, and when anyone tried to play with him he just flipped the bird. He was unable to understand all the hype around him. He wasn’t no Jesus Christ or Leonardo DiCaprio; he was just a snotty little guy who peed and crapped his pants or diapers. He would be in his cradle all day long, sleeping in fits and starts, and when not he would be just staring at the ceiling wondering what in the hell was going on.

Our dear Imbecile didn’t learn to talk until he was three and a half years old, although he learnt to walk within eight months of his arrival on Earth. He walked with his head down, and that often met him with to floor with a thud. His Mom would say in her sweet voice, “Baby, walk with your head up so you can see what’s in front of ya. You can do that, it’s so easy.” But Imbecile didn’t fathom the language this creature was speaking, and would start crying his eyes out. His crying was another thing that worried his parents and five elder siblings very much. It didn’t sound very much humanly, and every single time he cried Mrs LookIamOldAndGrumpy from the next door would yell in her crow-like voice, “Who the f**k is playing a f*****g banjo so f*****g horribly? It hurts my damn f*****g ears.”

When Imbecile went to school, he made fifteen friends on his first day and that made his parents and five elder siblings proud. They told each other that he would be very famous when he grew up, you know like Justin Bieber--they would sing the megahit Baby horribly--or Robert Pattinson. The second of three sisters said she would pen down a good damn screenplay for his baby brother and direct it as well. Imbecile was no popular in school, though. His fifteen friends soon found out how simple-minded he was and they began to unfriend him. Even his teachers had worn out after trying a gazillion times explaining him that the sun was a star and not a gigantic bulb made by the guys at Disneyland.

On his sixteenth birthday his parents gifted him an iPad Pro and his five elder siblings gave him the box set of Indiana Jones movies, which he completely and utterly failed to understand, and also help him make a Facebook account. Imbecile had eleven friends on his Facebook: his parents, his five elder siblings, his Grandma and her boyfriend, and a cat and a dog. He chatted with the cat all day and fell in love with her. They went on a date--here, Imbecile first thought that his friend the cat had asked him to buy her dates so he ordered a 300g packet of Safavi Dates from Amazon--fter two weeks' of chatting.

After going on fifteen dates with the cat who turned out to be a nerdy girl with large glasses and braces, they finally came on the topic of virginity. “Yes, I would like to have sex. Would you sex me?” Imbecile asked, innocently. And she did. She sex Imbecile, and she regretted it all her life with all her heart. Imbecile sucked in bed, too. But what didn’t suck was a cool set of superpowers he was rendered after losing his virginity.

Yes. Imbecile Stupider was a superhero now.

Imbecile Stupider could fly…horribly, and could spit pink clouds from his mouth which didn’t do anything special but burst into rainbow colors. But hey, at least he got that flying mode on him now. Let’s get down to it!

Imbecile flew like a peacock"a retarded peacock. He could be in air for about thirty seconds and then he had to get down and drink two cans of Redbull, for he believed Redbull really gave you wings. 

He read many comic books and watched every single superhero movie ever made--and if you asked him which movie he like the most, his answer would be instant and it would be Batman and Robin. Imbecile learnt that you had to have a costume and a bad a*s villain if you were to be a superhero. He made himself a fiery orange costume, and that was pretty impressive for someone like Imbecile, and a black mask to go with it. Now comes the villains.

Imbecile Stupider never met a villain in his seventy-four year old life, because nobody knew s**t about a pink-cloud spitting and awkwardly flying superhero. That awkward flying proved to a boon, though. He never had to buy a bike or a car, or rent a taxi. He would be at work--he was a photographer for a local newspaper--ten minutes early every day, flying for thirty seconds and landing to drink two cans of Redbull.

Whenever he was bored Imbecile amused himself by spitting as much pink clouds as he could in ten seconds. His best was seventeen and he was never able to break it.

Time flew by and Imbecile Stupider grew an imaginary tumor. He named it Dumb A*s. When he was seventy-four years old, he decided not to be bored by life anymore and be just dead. He was on his deathbed, surrounded by his five elder siblings, their children, and their children’s children. Everybody tried as hard as they could to talk some sense into Imbecile and begged him to stop this foolery, but Imbecile was hell bent on dying, and so die he did. But before dying he discovered something, and that something gave him a bloody heart attack.

Imbecile Stupider had closed his eyes and had told everyone to get out. “Let me die, will you?” He had said them, annoyingly. And as everyone got out, disappointed and furious, and Imbecile lay on his deathbed with his eyes tightly shut, he dreamt of his only sex partner the cat. But then suddenly a lizard, crawling on the ceiling, lost its grip and fell on his face. Imbecile jumped from the bed, uttering the curse word “M**********r” for the first time in his life.

There was a drum roll, and a high-pitched trumpet blow that almost made him cringe. A female voice without revealing herself announced in a robotic voice, “Congratulations! Pro version activated! Enjoy!”

Imbecile rose from the ground and flew out the open window like Superman. He could shoot laser beams out of his left palm; he could shrink like AntMan and get big like the Hulk whenever he wish, and he could also make anyone do anything with his mind.  

Sutpid dumb a*s you! You screwed everything up. Now what the hell are you gonna do with these damn powers when you’re on the motherfucking--and at the utterance of this word he flew at the speed of light--verge of dying? Huh? You bloody a*s stupid m**********r--he went out of Earth, flew past Mars, Jupiter, and was on his way to Saturn when his heart pumped for the last time.

 

 

Reviews

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And stupids can be a good read too! I thank you sir for this cool short...mmm...some words were more adult like which I ain't but was an amazing read...Thanks for sharing😊