To Him:

a letter i wrote him

Baby boy,

As i look at you, laying next to me in bed, i ponder many things. what if we had never met? or was it meant to be? did God bring us together? or did it just happen? as i run my hand through your hair, meditating on these questions, here is what i conclude, we were meant for eachother, God brought us together, and we are meant to be, for how long? i am not sure, i believe we both want it for eternity, but only god knows the future. at times i question our love, relationship, and all, but then i think about all we have gone through. some times the hurt we have done to eachother torments my heart, the pain i feel for wrong i have comitten towards you are an endless fire that burn at me, makeing me feel as though i deserve only the worse you have to offer, and surely nothing clost to love, devotion, loyalty, and trust. the hurt that you have caused me seems to be a dog with ravies, constantly biting and knawing on my, infesting me with reocuring feelings of disgust, pain, and anger, so deep that at times i ponder if this relationship should continue to advance, or should just come to an abrupt halt, no comunication, nothingness, just be forgotten. yet we have made a beautiful daughter together, one that i couldnt see forcing to be without her daddy or vise versa. i want us to be a family, but there is another issue that plaques me.her name is kelsie. see you have another family, one that is not mine, and i have selfishly told you i would have nothing to do with her, due to her not being my child. well here is the truth. i am selfish, i want a family to myself. and everytime i look at her name on your arm it reminds me, my wish will never be granted!so then i think more selfishly. i want kelsie. i want her as "our" child. i want her to call me mommy and talk to me when she is upset. i want to buy her clothes and toys and help her with homework. talk to her about boys and friends and life. i want you to be happy and the four of us be a family, with hopefully more! but this too is selfish.. i would take her from jessica, as a mother i know how bad that would hurt, yet it doesnt stop me from thinking about it. oh and i could even make kelsie a photo album like kaylee has, but then what i fear is the talk telling her"im not your mommy.." that would kill me. but i would do it to make you happy!

well into another topic, im very stressed, scared, and semidepressed. i dont like change, especially a lot of it. my whole world seems to have been turned upside down and all around. to many things are new, and its freaking me out. i have to get a job, but im so scared to leave kaylee. i miss her while she is sleeping, how much more i will miss her when im working, and dont have the luxery to check on her and see her whenever i please. so this will be my first time having a job, first time leaving kaylee, first time paying rent, just to many firsts, and all happening in an area brand new to me! im scared baby, and no matter what you say, i feel i have a right to be. also some times you can be so mean to me, and it makes me despise you. i mean i still love you, as i always will, but it makes me not want to be around you at all! please, be more gentle with me. i dont like being hurt all the time, it makes me very angry, and makes me want to hurt you back, yet i cant for fear of what will happen in return. oh, thank you for making kaylee a bottle for me, even though i already had one made, it was thoughtful and i appreciate it. now, just do it a little more often. realize when i work, you are going to have to do a whole lot more than you do now. you will do about half of everything. im working at night, so she will be asleep for you, but during the day, im going to need some rest. so you will have to listen out for her crying, pay attention to when she eats and know that she eats about every two hours, sometimes longer, but if it has been two hours and she is getting fussy, dont just put her in bed!

any ways enough about all of this. as you can probably tell, im freaking out about everything. anyways, its probably getting even later, i just checked the phone, its 4:08am!!!! so im going to stop writing. i love you handsome. hopefully all will work out in due time. sleep tight my snoring prince. mwa. i need a smoke :P

<3Dezie May