Happy Birthday to me

A man thinking about his life on his birthday.

              Happy Birthday to Me

 

 

I wish I could say I was where I wanted to be in my life. My wife hates me and my kids hardly see me anymore; and when they do I’m so busy that I just get to play and talk with them for a couple of hours. My job takes me away from them and what I do distances me from them emotionally. I pretend like it doesn’t bother me but when I am by myself or no one is paying any attention to me, I think about them and inside I yearn to be with them knowing they are at home without a father and husband they so desperately need. My wife takes pills to deal with the way things are and when I get home they are all sleep so the only way I can spend any time with them is when I give them kisses that go unnoticed as I imagine that they are dreaming of a life they deserve. I’ve tried to get my wife to leave me on many occasions when we argued but she doesn’t want our children to know how bad things have really gotten. My first daughter, I fear she isn’t really mine but I never dwell on it because I’ve loved her ever since I first laid my eyes on her when she came from the womb; I had talked to her so much when she was in my wife’s stomach that she stopped crying when she heard my voice on her day of arrival. She’ll be something in her life; at eight she is way beyond her age in her mind and has immaculate voice when she sings. My second girl she is a small goddess, much like me she stays to herself and I can see that she will be a deep thinker that will either go inside of her head before making any decisions or she’ll just not give a f**k if she makes an irrational judgment. She’ll also make it big in her future because she has an imagination that exceeds this bland way of life and she won’t give a damn what people think about her. And my son; my only son, he will be the death of me if somebody doesn’t do it first. He is as devious as I am now thinking of new ways every day to bring an adventure to life breaking something, taking things apart or just mentally f*****g with his mother and sisters. He is my legacy and will the only proof that my last name will go into the future. It makes me smile to think of them when I’m not around or when I watch them play when they don’t know I am.  A good father wants his children to be like him or to at least have someone like them when they grow up but not me; my only wish is that they avoid being or being around anybody like me. I hate what I have done to my wife, I remember when we first met she was so full of life as she smiled all the time and had some kind of ambition to stay happy. Now she deals with things forcing that same smile out that used to come so easy for her knowing she is unfortunately afraid of me.

A lot of times I wish I don’t make it as I do what I do just so they can move on and with the money I have stashed away combined with the life insurance policy I have, they’ll never need for anything ever. I down my drink of alcohol hoping that it’ll numb what I feel but when my friend sits down across from me I am reminded of what I really am. He talks and I pretend that I am listening putting on a fake smile when he starts to laugh at whatever he just said. I know I’m not s**t and the foundation I have built for my life I will never be, and I wonder why I am so popular among those around me. If I died tomorrow I know the funeral would be packed for a man that has sent so many there before I reached it myself. I honestly hate my life and when it comes down to it if I wasn’t afraid to end it I would have been gone a long time ago. I just don’t understand myself anymore, I thrive and get paid for hurting others but when I wake up in the morning and no one is around I lay in the bed thinking about how I can avoid getting out of the blankets that I feel is my fortress of solitude as I wrap in them like a butterfly in a cocoon. As I sit in silence these are the things I think about but as I go on with the day I am constantly reminded on how much I am really needed here. Maybe things will change for me before I leave this life and maybe I’ll see my family happy the way they should be, but right now just like for a long time I am a piece of s**t that doesn’t deserve to have the things that I have made for myself; happy birthday to me.   

Author's Note

Just something i wrote for the hell of it.

Reviews

[Ani]

i love you dad.. always and a day forever and eternity