I thought about that bullet

My first poem of the year

This whole thing started as a short story to write for my first of the year,

But I ran into dead ends as every thought turned into fears.

I’ve been faced with the thought of changing every fiber of my being just fix all that I’ve fucked up,

As I try to think of alternatives I’m faced with living without the three reasons why in the morning I want to wake up.

I wrote like I’m used to writing telling the tales of some ruthless killers,

But when I start I run into mental roadblocks stopping my usual thrillers.

The thoughts of making every promise empty and breaking the heart of just one hurts like a bullet to the spine,

Being sober is the worst part because I know for sure every thought is simply just mine.

Their disquiet voice when my mind breaks down and reality becomes a question that I must ponder,

But in my disillusioned state I visit past memories that I lost and a future of things to where I must wonder.

Those around me worry like I’m a dead man walking,

While when I turn my back they are like predators; they keep stalking.

My first piece of the year was supposed to be a short that brought bullets, mayhem and blood,

But when I tried to write it it came out as broken thoughts and it felt like feet dragging in the mud.

I think more about dying lately because it seems to be standing here grinning square dead right in my face,

I’m fighting like gladiator with sword and shield but somehow I’m still coming in last place.

Water under the bridge and it seems like it’s becoming a flood,

My life savers are my writing, my kids, and some wonderful bud.

An old school told me if the head leads then the body will follow,

But negated to school me on the fact that most promises in life are truly brutally hollow.

When it comes down to the end I will be nothing but another faded voice that made an impact while I breathed air like everyone here,

I love it when people read what I wrote while I was high or had just the right amount of brandy and beer.

When it comes down to it it’s like I had some kind of speech,

But it’s my own mind while standing at that podium I seem to extend a hand to reach.

Let me calm down I think I need to smoke one,

But if I die tonight how will life be for my only son.

Any avenue that I take I’m going to hurt someone at the end,

But when it comes down to it maybe I’ll find my true friends.

I’m like Christopher Walken sick as I want to get when I write about cutting someone down to the bone,

At the end I’m the only one left in my mind when I’m sitting here all alone.

Go up and down on the roller-coaster of life then park the car at the neutral stage where it is caught,

Then you’ll learn from this game of life you’ll find what you sought.

Like Godsmack, I need serenity in a place where I can hide,

While I dream about those who never have been on my side.

I’ve been having nightmares about those who’d kill me slitting my throat over a sink,

I wonder now if it’s even safe for me to really by myself for me to think.

With the cohorts around me is it really safe to think that my life is going in the right direction,

When the worse part of me is striving to make a resurrection.

Okay to those who want me to bring my good old style of violent heat,

They killed silently, maimed the rest, and at the end their money quota they did meet.

My troubles like all the time are just temporary and at the end will be fine,

But while I go through them my life they do define.

Like this or not I’ll keep doing what I do best trying to keep my stories for all to read,

But when comes down to it it’s my kids I have to feed.    

Live and learn, then learn as you live,

But the most important thing to know is to not to forget to love; it’s the only thing we can really give.

      007.

Author's Note

This is my first one of the year ladies and gentlemen. I don't usually ask but do me a favor and let me know what you think.

Reviews

[luvingu01]

deep, scary and far from the shallow depths of a coward life-a man which runs away from this responsibilities. i can honestly see the breakthrough at the end of the tunnel for there is always hope and a festering rainbow that only elevates the soul..
keep writing bro

[Dez H.]

right on ms lady, thank u for the review.

[Sami Khalil]

"My first piece of the year was supposed to be a short that brought bullets, mayhem and blood,
But when I tried to write it it came out as broken thoughts and it felt like feet dragging in the mud.
I think more about dying lately because it seems to be standing here grinning square dead right in my face,
I’m fighting like gladiator with sword and shield but somehow I’m still coming in last place."

That summed it up marvelously. Pen on...:).........................

[Dez H.]

Yo right on man that poem rattled in my head for days b4 I was able to piece it together to tell how i really felt. Thanks again for reading it.

[Sami Khalil]

Wow. You are welcome man...:)..................

[DBrown]

Damn bro that was some of your deepest yet. You truely are a painter with a pen and the page as a canvas. Your words paint pictures in the mind the same way some watch movies on a screen. Sometimes pain in writing can bring about a kind of relief that other options can't cure. Keep doing what you do bro!!! You truely have a gift and blessing in how you write. 007 fo life.......

[Dez H.]

Right on Agent, I'm glad you love it dog. Out of any you know how we gotta live, survive, fight and when it comes down to it we know how to care. Thanks again big bro. Holla at ya boy. 007 fo Life......

[Tina Louise UK]

Powerful, honest piece..the last line holds so much truth :) x

[Dez H.]

Right on miss lady this one just came to me, i'm glad you like it.