Last Letter

When I am vague, then I am clear.

When I am clear, I am vague.

 

You would think that to be contradicting and vague on its own. Wrong. It isn't.

Never had the feeling that something good felt a little wrong, whereas something wrong just could have been right? Some of you who read this letter already know that most things I am saying is relative to the locaion, situation and/or time. Yes, it all depends on many things before something can be described.

 

Where am I going with this? Nowhere yet everywhere. Explaining all yet nothing. it all depends if you want to listen or do not want to. It all depends on your focus. Do you view my statements clearly or vague? Or am I so vague that it all makes sense or am I so clear that all seems vague all of a sudden.

 

If I were to say I am dead, some would say its vague some would say I am clear. Clear because that accounts for the wicked letter and vague because I haven't told you my cause yet. You could even go as far and say I am lying because I can't be writing when dead.

 

I am a normal human being by the way. Just a very observant one. Curious about human emotions and behaviour and always trying to predict them. Impossible task by the way. Human behavior is unpredictable and uncontrollable. It can be guided but never leaded. The outcome of a conversation can be planned on but never foreseen. Not unless you have an immense amount of knowledge and wisdom.

 

I have guided many people to outcomes I have foreseen and outcomes I happen to have stumbled upon. One thing you get to understand from studying interactions with other humans is that you are still a human yourself. Guiding others is fun and satisfying and also encouraging but at some point, when you are lost yourself, it hits you. Where is your guidance. A human, able to solve all problems others give to it, turns out to have problems that are unsolvable for itself. I see a loop coming. Do you see it too?

 

So if the one helping needs to be helped, when will that stop? Never does. In the end, everything is a circle or rather a complex web. One thing leads to another and the other leads to the previous. In some way, even am I am a very sociable person, I am very scared of this thought. independence doesn't exist and dependence is something fragile. Easily misused.

 

Life's stolen, relations broken, emotions crushed, etc. Life is fragile like that. Especially in modern age. What does that mean? Fear. Fear of walking around and being robbed, fear of your cousin stealing your grandmothers attention, fear of your loved one cheating on you, fear of hunger, fear of governments failing to keep you save, fear of yourself messing up on safety and care. World is full of fear. No way around it. In fact I can roughly guess that 90% of the behavior of humans, can be explained by fear of anything. Scary.

 

Life is something I consider very vague yet so clear. So clear it's there, so vague to it's reason. I just think about the clear part. I don't need a reason laid out for me. I live while it's there. And when it isn't it won't be. Simple as that. Why give it more reason? Life is limited to many things and time is one of em. I would like to spend that time living rather than doing anything else. With this in mind, my fear is a lot less, yet I still fear. Human's are amazing. What's clear is vague, whats vague is clear. I lost fear and I still have it. I know all this yet the knowledge did not help me from preventing the inevitable fate.

 

I am on Deathrow. Soon I will be robbed of my life because I succumbed to my fear. My fear was other humans. Their behavior is too unpredictable. And when you figure this out, you tend to go mad. You snap. Atleast I did. I tried to resist but fear is something that is already part of us. Evolution may get rid of it. I give it a billion yearrs. I got stolen from, lied to, decieved and cheated on. Fear of the next fear drove me insane. Am I to blame for my crime? Ofcourse. I succumbed to what I came to realize was what was driving most of our irrational actions. Stupid. I deserve it. Anyone else in here does. Careless, enraged, immoral, etc. Describes some of us here.

 

Oh, well. Time is near for me to end my fears and pay for succumbing to them. Sounds like I am suicidal. I am not. I am wanting to live remember? Suicidal people are too weak to fight their pains. Gave up the fight, settled for less, peed their pants. Cowards. I despise those. Think only of themselves and not of the others who will be sad and have their fear realized. It's one thing to have a circle, it's another to feed it.

 

Have I lived? Yep. It was a blast. every bit. Regret nothing. Didn't want to do anything diffrently. I like who I am. I'ts what made me me. Even though it's gone soon, I will still have lived. Atleast I left my mark. Not referring to my crime. I left my mark on others. Their memory of me. They know that I was a good person before the incident. A select few will even understand my fear. Other than that they hate me and that's good. My lesson to them how not to have done it.

 

My time is up. Farewell, world. So cliche. You thaught me a lot and I am grateful. So. Bye.

 

Signed,

 

Meh who cares.

Author's Note

Felt like writing this. Pure fiction by the way. Review~